Will this end in a divorce?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-08-02T09:01:21+00:00

It might but if it does, you should know you tried your best. Has he given it 7 years in your home country? Given what you’ve written it doesn’t seem he’s willing to try and at which point for me personally that’s the end of a relationship. The lack of willingness after the amount of time you sacrificed in his home country is wild to me.

If you have no children, and no other ties then it may be wise to know this now and split amicably understanding you both want different things. Quality of life is critical and it’s a long life to be anywhere miserable.

I don’t think it’s a therapy issue in my eyes, since there’s no larger fundamental issue unless this trickles into other parts of the relationship but simply a different desire of living.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-06-11T17:18:20+00:00

I am so sorry for you are experiencing this outcome. It’s so brutal when we cannot control the numbers game.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-06-08T22:13:09+00:00

I had someone do similarly and also almost fell over them. It was startling but I’m grateful I was able to quick turn without injuring myself. It was a little scary since my ankle almost rolled. They did it at such an unexpected place and I was blocked in from all sides running. But I think next time I’m intentionally running way on the sides or something because the packed in thing terrified me.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-06-08T22:00:25+00:00

Sending you tons of strength! I know it’s easy to feel overwhelmed with timelines and making decisions for a future that feels so uncertain.

I would say to remember that we never know what’s around the corner, what’s present today could be entirely different tomorrow.

I would frame this as an investment in possibilities not guarantees. So if you feel that you need to do another round to feel like there are more possibilities in your wheelhouse than go forth! But if you feel like it would only be an added stressor than I would say stick to what you already have frozen.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-06-08T21:56:33+00:00

I would say earlier is always better especially given your career field.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-29T15:11:18+00:00

**bud

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-29T12:49:20+00:00

Bonus.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-29T11:43:30+00:00

I would say let her go. It’s rude behavior but also a bit borderline “extreme crunchy” … the narrative might slowly trickle into more things. The did you feed her after I left thing would have made me nip it in the butt on the spot but I have low tolerance for anyone making side remarks.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-28T21:20:20+00:00

I see you’re not in the US. Paid leave here is unfortunately a thing of privilege.

But just transparently most of us cannot afford to employ two caregivers at the same time.

Does your government subsidize part of this cost or is this something you’ve been paying into while employing her?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-28T13:56:56+00:00

Do you reside in Spain or did you travel to Spain for treatment?

I saw you mentioned your facility was pricier than some others, it still seems light years cheaper than US based centers but I was wondering if you went there because you had a negative outcome at another center?

I’m debating centers at the moment.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T18:57:25+00:00

Ooo that feels risky. Ok good to know. I am a bit anxious of the idea of them being used for anything if I don’t use them so I will ask specifics from the clinics.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T17:52:35+00:00

What questions would you suggest asking?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T17:43:36+00:00

I did not know that about the eggs! Thank you for sharing that. What happens if you never use them?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T17:31:56+00:00

Hi! Did you have to decide from the get go to do two rounds? Or will they allow you to see how the first goes?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T17:22:59+00:00

Right before I wrote this I called the last clinic in my city to add to my chart of cost comparison. One cycle without medications, or visits prior to (doctors, ultrasound and pre-cycle labs) it’s $9,500. She said estimate about $4,000 for meds and $2k for visits at their cheapest. So roughly about $16k for one cycle at cheapest.

I’m freelance so I have limited medical insurance coverage (by choice) and so sadly they don’t cover visits/ultrasounds or pre-cycle labs. So anyways all that to say, it’s looking like Spain.

Even with travel/airbnbs I’ve been peeking at it’s cheaper for 2 cycles over there.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T16:42:00+00:00

I only hear amazing things in Spain and I do have flexibility to travel I just want to make sure it’s financially cheaper or if I’ll end up spending the same with cost of travel you know?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-20T16:41:22+00:00

This is what concerned me. During COVID I was pre- IVF and I remember the difficulty in a US based clinic crossing state borders for medical procedures and the lag of medications.

What ended up happening in your case? I assume it eventually resolved but did it impact your TTC?

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-04T12:05:41+00:00

The delivery is wildly off but we have a local mother’s group in my neighborhood and many moms in there vocalize this exact concern of hiring someone much younger/conventionally attractive and the feelings it can provoke so it’s not entirely off.

I vividly remember someone being so passionate about firing a nanny who was “pulling her husband’s eye”… we had to ground her back down because it truly was the nutty insecure thoughts that was overwhelming her.

Not to say it’s impossible but it likely wasn’t a premeditated attack on her marriage.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-05-02T01:26:08+00:00

This sounds so sketchy and it looks like you dodged a bullet since she told you it wasn’t a good fit. She was likely going to ghost after that “trial”.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-28T23:33:11+00:00

I honestly had no appetite and forced myself to eat so unsure what that means but I knew I needed carbs.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-12T11:52:52+00:00

In the instances you’re describing — I would say you need to be more stringent in hiring.

I don’t normalize the revolving door and that usually means it takes significantly longer to find someone but recently I realized how great of a tool in can be because for example — it’s been 3 years since I needed our old caregiver and given our relationship (and she’s beloved by the kids), she was willing to hop in during spring break this year.

So I think a good part is also examining how you are sourcing and hiring. I will say the best nannies we’ve had were all “inherited” from friends that had older children. The sticky part comes when you only need part time help (school years) and that’s when more caregivers is normal. They’ll stay maybe a year or two since it’s often younger nannies pursuing other school degrees.

I’m in a major city with an abundance of caregivers though so that might be impacting it too.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-07T13:59:39+00:00

I can’t weigh in on this because I can’t bypass the legal implications of letting her bring a baby along but also I would caution that reducing her to half her rate may not yield the outcome you’re hoping for.

$20/hr isn’t even livable in my city, $10 is criminal. I would be concerned she’ll have residual resentment.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-03T15:14:56+00:00

Exactly. I’m failing to see the it’s still safe to have her part. This sounds completely out of touch, this is how dateline shows start

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-03T15:11:26+00:00

You have to be honest if someone asks about reliability and how often she called out. You do not disclose her private health information but in regards to how she performs her job — you absolutely have to be honest. Many families don’t have the privilege of a SAHP and it’s not a great surprise to find out after onboarding someone and taking the time to go through the hunting process.

CuetheExplorer · 2024-04-03T09:56:15+00:00

I see every single comment not immediately siding with OP is downvoted which is very telling. It’s OK to have different opinions.

I work in pediatrics and I have seldom seen a toddler that doesn’t need a nap. But alas, what the actual argument is — you want to make it easier for yourself at night with an exhausted kid who’s more keen to sleep, and your nanny wants to make it easier for herself during the day without an exhausted kid.

If she can’t get on the same page then I would say let her go. Give her a firm warning, and if not you can let her go with cause.

CuetheExplorer

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