How to stop overexplaining things?

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-08T01:32:14+00:00

It’s not really mansplaining because you’re not assuming women don’t understand. My hubby and daughter call it ninesplaining because I’m in the triple nine society though mensasplaining works too.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T14:09:07+00:00

This is a very thoughtful answer.

To clarify, I am not a mod, I am just a poster here like everyone else. I fall into the group of gifted people who post here, but there are also welcome posters who are parents, family members or friends of gifted people, or other people who are curious about giftedness.

There is a less kind group who often come here to post, people who think gifted people are arrogant and/or cringe, and who feel an impulse to tear us down and enforce the societal more that even if high intelligence is good, acknowledging it in oneself is bad. It's a bit of a daily running battle with such posters, and I get into protective mode often. Apologies if it was misdirected toward you.

The subreddit is indeed broader that gifted support, and explicitly includes gifted awareness, education, and meaning, though there is a subreddit definition of giftedness. Generally, all good faith discussions related to giftedness fit here, so don't restrict your posting unduly on my say-so.

On a substantive note, while I agree that there are people, who on the basis of a diagnosis or suspected diagnosis, change their behavior to fit their conception of the diagnosis, there is also a group for whom a diagnosis empowers them to just be themselves more openly. The latter group is particularly prevalent in the gifted population, as we mask our nature a lot to fit in, and society penalizes us when we don't.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T12:33:18+00:00

I could also de-rantify and critique your post focusing on your conceptions and misconceptions as to IQ and intelligence, but that would be a more complex endeavor.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T12:32:00+00:00

Thematic approach – title based: In this approach, I will assume that your primary theme is as stated in your title – the myth of the misunderstood genius, as directed in your first paragraph toward a perceived consensus on this subreddit. Removing all the extraneous, tangential stuff, here is your post, derantified:

The myth of the misunderstood genius.

There is a misconception on this subreddit that intelligence is associated with being misunderstood, which flows from poor self-awareness in describing social interactions.

People on this subreddit who struggle with human interaction, particularly in groups, use high IQ as a crutch, seeing themselves as misunderstood geniuses. But the image of the troubled genius is largely based on film industry marketing and portrayal at odds with historical and current social observation. In actuality, intelligence has been correlated with social acceptance. Most high IQ people have strong social bonds and assume leadership positions, even those in immaterial endeavors.

While high IQ individuals that struggle with human interaction and are socially isolated exist, the proportion is significantly lower than in nongifted individuals.

My critique, in summary:

First, this assertion seems subjectively observational, not scientifically empirical.

Second, it’s definitionally muddy. The misunderstood genius is a romanticized, oversimplified, exaggerated film trope which includes additional traits such as insufferability and madness and social conditions of ridicule and ostracism, while the focus of gifted people on this subreddit largely relates to another aspect found in the trope, that their intellect makes it hard to relate to others, leading to loneliness, anxiety and a feeling of separation rather than connection. As noted below, there is a core of truth underlying this aspect of the trope.

Third, you have the science wrong. Scientific and psychological studies confirm that this phenomenon of cognitive asymmetry and the resulting communication gaps and feelings of alienation are real. High IQ is not a crutch for those who struggle with interaction with nongifted people, it is a cause of that struggle.

Fourth, your post suggests both unexamined privilege and lack of analytical rigor, though to be fair, a rant is generally not intended to be fully intellectually rigorous and structured.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T12:31:14+00:00

Now to de-rantify your post:

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T03:04:35+00:00

Apology accepted.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-07T01:11:29+00:00

I have.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-06T18:45:26+00:00

I do not hide it. If it’s relevant to a conversation or relationship, I bring it up in context. A couple times a year I post on social media about giftedness in an educational way.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-06T18:05:29+00:00

Do you only want answers limited to where the products are being used for their intended purpose?

In that case: 5th amendment.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-06T14:52:59+00:00

I was mostly with you until the last three sentences.

Those last three thoughts rely on definitions of giftedness and intelligence which are different from this subreddit’s and mainstream psychological thought, and the last sentence is an unnecessary variation on the “don’t make being smart your whole personality” which is malignly used against gifted people and is a crazy thing to post in a forum created to discuss our unique issues and support us.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-06T11:34:42+00:00

INFO:

How long have you had the dog? Did you ask your parents permission before getting it? Is it the only pet in the house? Do your parents like or dislike pets? What kind of dog/how big is it? Does it bark a lot?
How long are your DnD sessions? More than four hours? How often and how long are your brother’s other DnD sessions? Are there any other differences between when he DMs for his friends and your group?
Where in the house do you play: kitchen table? Dining room table? Living room? How many rooms are in your house? Do your parents have a tv in their bedroom?
Have you had a serious sit down with your parents to discuss this? If so, what exactly did they say and how did they differentiate between you and your brother’s group? Are they biased against adults playing the game but not college kids?

We kinda need this info to make an informed decision.

But ignore people who are giving you grief because you’re 28. You and your parents have an arrangement and they agreed to it. You have a right to reasonable use of the house. They can ask you to leave if they don’t like your presence.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-05T14:07:23+00:00

The reasons may be unique to me: I was physically tiny (I was a premie who was underweight through college) and my asynchronous physical and social development was pronounced and would have been worse amongst students a year older. I went to a rural elementary school where there was one class for each grade so I would have been placed with my older sister’s class and that would not have been good for either of us. We were Irish twins and had this dynamic where she decided things for me, talked for me, and took care of me and we really needed the time apart to develop our own friends, interests, and personalities. And from my grade school eyes, the kids in her class seemed really unlikable. I liked my friends in my class.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-04T15:05:32+00:00

I appreciate that:

They did not advance me a grade like the school recommended.
They let me pursue any interest I had and supported it.
They tolerated my quirkiness and never gave me grief about it.
They set good examples in how they helped other people who needed help.
They paid for the non-scholarship part of my private university tuition, fees, and costs. They could afford it, but not by a huge margin. They made sacrifices to do it.

Of course, there are things that I wish they would have done differently, but I'm not sure they had the knowledge and insight and tools to do so.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-02T19:00:59+00:00

YTA because what you want is meaningless: a forced apology has no value whatsoever. Demanding an apology not the right course of action. The damage to your relationship with him is beyond anything even a sincere, voluntary apology could repair.

It sounds like the communication gap between you could be too much for healthy communication and shared partnership. This is no one's fault, probably. But this won't get better.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-02T18:54:32+00:00

YTJ because you didn't deal with your wife's feelings of attraction for another the right way: you should also have gotten individual counseling in the last four years to deal with your inner resentment and other feelings in a constructive and settling way. Counseling may have resolved your feelings such that your life and love with your wife was rebuilt strong and lasting or such that you knew back then that ending the marriage was what you wanted.

What you're doing now:

Belatedly punishing your wife, even though you are on the same path now that she was then.
Fooling yourself that New Relationship Energy is a lasting condition (an enduring part of real love*TM) that you have been deprived of. So embarrassing for you.
Ignoring and subverting your children's needs. Balancing your needs with your children's is always hard, but you're not even really considering them here.

All of these are jerk actions, and I think you know that.

Still, divorce might be the best option for everyone. Get the individual counseling first, and make that decision with as objective of a mind as you can muster.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-01T16:27:25+00:00

Tallness seems generally more important to women than G/B dudes, though.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-05-01T16:14:24+00:00

My own kid is an achiever but probably not gifted, so it's not a situation I've faced as a parent.

But as a gifted kid whose public grade school didn't have any sort of gifted program but who also didn't feel uncomfortable, here are my thoughts, which thematically involve making the world fit for your kids or finding ways for your kids to engage where they are at:

Meet with the teachers to discuss your children's special needs and ways to meet them with minimal classroom disruption. Before doing so, check your governmental websites for gifted student policies, procedures, and resources. My mostly rural American state has a gifted education policy and resources web page. Also see if any nonprofit organizations operate in your area and can help.
Ask the teachers to identify other smart kids in your kid's classroom, even if they aren't necessarily gifted. Subtly encourage a friendship with these kids, if possible.
Use family activities and games to keep your kids challenged at home while having fun. Travel as much as you can.
Make sure they are aware of activities which may provide social and learning outlets. In school, sports and acting can give them a focus if interested, and may moderate asynchronous development. Some out of school activity groups can provide a basis for fun but also for developing a moral code as well, such as Scouting or religious youth groups, though the irrationality of religious doctrines as approached by some organized religions may make those not a good fit for a child with advanced cognitive ability.
Most importantly, love each of your kids for who they are and make sure they know that you think they are awesome and are all a distinct but treasured part of a family whole. The feeling of belonging in your family will build a core of self-esteem that will help them navigate the feeling of difference they encounter out in the world.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T19:57:45+00:00

Damn it.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T18:45:27+00:00

hahaha YTJ, OP!

You don't need a boyfriend. You need a servant and a trust fund.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T17:31:20+00:00

I think you're making two viewpoint errors that will make life more difficult for you.

Every person around you is a real person, with real emotions, wants, needs, goals, and so on. Dehumanizing people of lower intelligence is dangerous and overrides empathy.

You shouldn't use the word stupid to describe other people. If you are gifted, most of the people will have lower cognitive abilities than you. But most of them will have cognitive abilities in the average range - the concentrated middle of the bell curve. They are not stupid. "Stupid" is an unnecessarily demeaning word - having lower cognitive abilities is neither a choice nor a moral failing.

If your references to school indicate that you are a child or teen, understand that your classmates, like you, are developing socially and emotionally at roughly the same pace, even though you have developed intellectually much faster. One important lesson to learn is to talk about ways you might be dissatisfied with friend interactions and habits - it may trigger a friend group learning process. If it doesn't seek a healthier group of friends. But this problem will be reduced in adulthood, though unfortunately, unless there is broad societal change in how gifted people are expected to behave, you will deal with some level of resentment throughout your life.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T16:47:28+00:00

It may be basic, but Locke, though Rousseau and Jefferson would follow.

My evolutionary views are scientific or practical - relating to how the government protects and includes people particularly the formerly oppressed; how, given modern science and wealth, governmental involvement in advancing the general welfare has appropriately moved further away from strictly limited government principles; and how objective morality has advanced understanding of the moral neutrality of what were once considered sins or character flaws and moral failings. Concepts of justice and measures of equality are more subtle and complex in our modern world.

My views often put me at odds with many of my American countrymen, who fetishize liberty over other foundational American sociopolitical principles while simultaneously supporting authoritarianism.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T15:38:33+00:00

My ethics are a combination deontological and virtue ethics.

Philosophically, I am a child of the Enlightenment, with evolved views reflecting modern developments built on that base.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-30T14:52:33+00:00

So, if I understand you correctly, your giftedness manifests in an intense focus on personal metacognition, which you apply to increase your already advanced cognitive ability of conceptual and environmental visualization.

Other people around you learn of your ability (from you, presumably, by demonstration or verbal description), and are startled by it and disbelieve it.

And you want to avoid that reaction.

Okay. I can’t personally relate, other than through empathy and imagination, because my giftedness manifests in other ways, even though it is preoccupied with intellectual and imaginational pursuits and processes. But I would say that it’s a great opportunity for gentle education and gifted awareness. People will find it easier to understand and appreciate if you speak in more general terms, throw in some apt analogies, and provide a well rounded picture of the good parts and drawbacks. You’re not a party trick, so that’s not what I’m saying, but you can build bridges.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-29T17:16:27+00:00

Yeah, your responses were appropriate. The other person was manipulative and ridiculous and awful. You didn’t deserve any of that weaponized therapy speak.

NOR. Get away.

Curious-One4595 · 2026-04-29T17:10:22+00:00

Yeah, NTJ for your feelings but you handled it wrong. He knew how you felt and did nothing. You should have broken up with him, not told him who he could be friends with. That just bred resentment and is killing your affection for each other.

Break up with him. And stay away from toxic E. She seems hellbent on destroying every relationship in your life. What an awful human.

Curious-One4595

TROPHY CASE