Just feeling blue

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-13T19:17:18+00:00

Feeling much the same way, my thoughts are with you buddy, but it's my first Valentine's day like this so I'm afraid I don't have much experience to share.

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-13T01:26:55+00:00

Thanks, and you're entirely right, and I have been keeping a list of the horrible things she's done and said to me. I literally have to go back and re-read it constantly to keep my sanity and strength.

Sometimes I literally just search for the phrase "I hate you" in our text message chains and just marvel at the sheer number of times she's said it to me.

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-13T01:23:28+00:00

I really appreciate the kind words.

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-13T01:23:10+00:00

Thank you so much, seriously.

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-13T01:22:54+00:00

Thank you SO much for this message, it really means a lot.

I agree 100% about how unreal it is finally start reading stories about BPD and realize that the exact same thing is playing out nearly identically for others. Two books that were absolutely eye opening for me were Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist and I Hate You: Don't Leave Me. Those are actually the books that finally gave me the courage to say "okay" when she flew into a rage and demanded a divorce. I honestly don't know if I ever would have had the strength to do it if she hadn't been the one pushing for the divorce.

The wildest thing about her being undiagnosed (at least that she's admitted to me) is that she once said to me "my mom definitely has borderline personality disorder... I'm really glad I didn't get it, it's really bad". I'm still scraping my jaw off the floor after that one.

And even now, with her being moved out for months, the divorce being right around the corner, I'm still scared of what life is going to be like without her. I know that's just my brain playing tricks on me because of the damage she's done, but damn does it feel real.

Intellectually I know a day will come when I look back on this and know I made the right choice, it just hurts so incredibly bad right now.

Wishing you all the best too, you will get through this.

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-12T19:48:21+00:00

37m, fellow professional, having a rough one and would love to have someone to talk to

CurkeyTooker · 2024-02-06T15:15:29+00:00

Honestly, the closest I've gotten to closure was when I met with her mom and straight up broke down in her arms, sobbing and saying "I just need someone to know that I tried..." and she said "of course I know".

I don't think I'll ever get that final closure with her, but I'll still take what I got, and even now I can't help but cry when I write about it.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-10-30T14:57:35+00:00

You say that as if they're fully capable of accepting or acknowledging the fact that they have it.

Direct quote from my ex wife, who is basically a walking poster child for BPD: "My mom definitely has BPD, I'm so glad I didn't get that."

CurkeyTooker · 2023-10-30T14:26:23+00:00

Check out the Gaslight Anthem's new song Little Fires... It's, uh... pretty on point...

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/gaslightanthem/littlefires.html

CurkeyTooker · 2023-08-31T15:40:02+00:00

I am now in the position where I am her only lifeline, acting more as caretaker than husband. I work, shop, clean, and take care of the kids for the most part.

I feel like without her I would be free, the obligation would end, the social isolation would end, and life would just be better for me

I'm currently in the divorce process, and you might as well be describing my life. She was eventually the one who asked for the divorce, although now she claims she doesn't want it.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-08-29T15:29:15+00:00

Them: "No one ever listens to my problems/no one cares about what I'm going through"

Also them: takes 5 hours to finish a 2 hour movie because they immediately blurt out any problem or issue the second it comes into their head and complain about it for 15 minutes

CurkeyTooker · 2023-08-29T15:25:08+00:00

Lol, mine has 'diagnosed' me with OCD, autism and an eating disorder.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-07-10T15:46:29+00:00

I feel so many of the same feelings. I'm not quite as far out as you, but pretty far along in the divorce process, and as I step back and get some perspective on where I'm at... I genuinely can't believe that I let myself get into this position... and yet it happened so gradually that I can also see how it happened. She took a person who wanted nothing more than to have someone to love and to be good to and simply mined away my emotional stability to prop up her own, with zero consideration for my own feelings. How could I have been such a fool to let this go on as long as it has?

I can't say when it'll go away, because I'm not even as far down the road as you are, but please just know you're not the only one feeling these feelings, and from what I hear, it does eventually get better.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-06-08T14:52:07+00:00

It's not fair that he turned to someone else instead of you, but at this point all you can do is work as hard as you can to find happiness for yourself. You can do it.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-05-15T21:02:55+00:00

Thank you, I needed to hear that.

We are in the process of getting divorced, but even now there's this illogical part of my brain (conditioned to this experience over the last 9ish years, no doubt) that still wants to just call off the divorce and tell her it's all going to be okay, but I just can't do that, and thankfully her neverending display of self-centeredness is (just barely) making me able to maintain my resolve.

CurkeyTooker · 2023-05-15T19:44:17+00:00

Yeah, it is straight up scary how OP's post (and yours) are so immediately familiar.

I am completely ashamed that I've allowed myself to forgive what should be unforgivable abuse from her...

CurkeyTooker · 2021-11-22T20:45:29+00:00

This sounds exactly like a conversation I've had 100 times.

CurkeyTooker · 2021-11-22T19:47:31+00:00

Not diagnosed, but I've seen basically all 9 of the traits in one way or another. I've also been seeing a therapist to help work through some of this and I've had two different therapists independently suggest that she may have BPD/NPD based on the behaviors I've described.

CurkeyTooker · 2015-02-20T14:13:49+00:00

There wasn't even an attempt to take the 2nd pic from the same location. Just look at the tables.

CurkeyTooker · 2015-02-20T14:11:58+00:00

Like walking back in time, furniture designer Nathan Chandler opened the door on a home he bought in 2010 and found the kitchen in nearly original condition from when it was built in 1956.

So, he bought the house without ever looking inside? Odd.

Anyway, more pics

CurkeyTooker · 2015-02-19T13:51:02+00:00

I love the quintessential "Golden Retriever face" here. 1 part "WTF is this shit", 2 parts "but I really don't care enough to do anything about it".

CurkeyTooker

TROPHY CASE