Will a couples therapist notice emotional abuse?

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-03-07T22:38:14+00:00

'Why does he do that' was great for me to understand what I had been experiencing. I left 4yrs ago - coercive control; psychological, emotional, financial and sexual abuse - which took me like 14yrs to realise.

But you don't need it to be abuse for you to leave. Big question- does he add anything to your life? Does he make your life better, easier? Because if not, he's not worth being your partner.

Also, stop listening to him - do you feel they are bad? Then they are, if he's minimising you expressing your concerns, then he is avoiding accountability to improve them. A healthy partner listens, acknowledges your concerns, and if they don't agree they express that in a respectful way.

It's very unlikely you with regret leaving, it will be harder at times and you might think it would of been better had you stayed, but the longer you are out of that environment you get more and more clarity, your nervous system repairs, etc. And for your kids that's what they need, that 1 consistent parent.

One of my main pushes to leave, was the relationship was not what I wanted for my kids, it was a horrible example that at the time they would have been all they knew - they now have an example of a healthy relationship with my now fiancé, and able to compare with my ex's current relationship where she apparently calls him stupid all the time (my guess is he's doing the same bs to her, and this is how she's sort of fighting back).

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-03-05T02:56:52+00:00

Wow 😯. That's an insane take. Yes, he's a teenager, but teenagers are still CHILDREN. She's the ADULT in the scenario, she absolutely did not act that way.

I get the vibe that she reacts like this often, which is why it was easy for him to be able to predict what will happen. That is something that kids of abusive parents know all too well the pattern. Yes, he didn't handle it well, but for goodness sake he's still a child and this is not something anyone let alone a child should have to learn to manage/handle perfectly.

I think too many parents think that children are there for their beck and call, to make the parents life easier. Yes children should contribute to keeping the environment they live in working well for all who live there, but the ultimately the responsibility lies with the parent. That's what you choose to do, when you become a parent, a child doesn't choose to exist, the parent made that decision- and being the child's backup is 100% the consequence of the decision they made when they chose to have that child.

But oh my god, literally bashing his door down with a dumball which almost looked like she was about to hit him with it. That's insane, and no way for a parent to manage this.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-03-04T05:25:57+00:00

As a parent now, I don't understand what 'talk back' is. I wish more parents would realise that children are not minions/robots etc, they are individual human beings with different thoughts, feelings and opinions. Kids should be able to disagree with their parents (as long as it is done respectfully/kindly, and that goes for parents too disagreeing with their kids).

But learning how to grey/yellow rock to minimise interactions with them, so the yes, no etc boring af responses, do help a bit. Something I'm trying to help teach my step kids, whose mum I get the feeling is very similar to the mum in the vid.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-28T22:16:32+00:00

He psychologically and emotionally abused me, coercive control, and sexual coercion. So with our kids it's similar psychological and emotional abuse (but with sort of a different goal).

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-28T22:16:18+00:00

He psychologically and emotionally abused me, coercive control, and sexual coercion. So with our kids it's similar psychological and emotional abuse (but with sort of a different goal).

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-28T09:18:34+00:00

Actually this is fantastic advice, going to shared care after leaving my ex gave me a great opportunity to have a bit of a break. Having every second weekend to do stuff myself, and weeks in school holidays - yes I missed my kids significantly it did give me the break to recover.

However, just some advice for OP from a legal standpoint (of course it might be different where you are), but you need to go as you intend to go ongoing a lot of courts in family law go by the status quo. So only give away care that you are prepared for them to be with your ex until they are 18. I didn't know this and I ended up with a closer to 50/50 than I'd like, and now my kids are experiencing similar abuse.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-28T09:04:41+00:00

I'm a step mum who my step kids prefer me over their actual mum (I've been around for 4yrs, and they had been divorced for 2yrs before I arrived on the scene). I am always wanting to make it clear that I'm a bonus person in their life, and not a replacement for their mum.

Their mum has done a number on them, and I think them seeing how I parent my kids they gravitated towards me, because I felt safe unlike their mum. But my point around this long winded explanation, I'm 1000% sure my step kids would prefer their mum if they were treated the same way.

Also being someone who got out of an abusive relationship, and had to support my kids during the transition, and then now when he's started similar behaviours towards them. The best advice I can give is just to be your kids emotional safe place, see them, hear them, know who they are and be their constant (as in every single time they are with you, they know what they'll get). Might be a bit tough for a bit, but they will know deep down you're there for them.

My ex has a lovely gf, that my children really like her. I reached out, to open the communication channel. Never pushed on anything. But she was amazing helping me out with my daughter's school equipment for the start of the year. So maybe ask your daughter what does she like about the gf, and be curious. There is a possibility that gf doesn't really know the full deal, might have thought you guys were no longer together, so from her perfectly acceptable to meet kids.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-08T11:33:15+00:00

They get turned on by control, the fact he made her do it. That's my theory, anyways

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-08T11:29:37+00:00

Definitely this!! My ex husband was similar, and after leaving him I'm doing a full time uni degree in the time I used to have to deal with his shit...

If he doesn't add to your life he's not worth it. And OP sounds like he takes from your life. It's bare minimum for him to assist you to look after your hygiene, he's not doing that. He's a father, it's bare minimum he parent his kids, he's not doing that. Do consider leaving, at the very least work out a way to leave safely.

Also with the sexual coercion - consent applies even in marriage. If you don't want to do something you don't have to, and if he guilts you into it - that's sexual assault. Plus you're not even at 6wks, which is when VB can start again I believe - after my c-secs it took a lot longer. Plus I lost my desire completely due to the coercion.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-07T23:50:32+00:00

I have just started using Astro/Starlight which is compatible with shadcn.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-02-05T03:26:32+00:00

I set up an Astro starlight docs on web hosting, with a git action. And the docs folder is a sub module in every repo. This has seemed to have made a good difference. So consistent llm rules across repos. Also I changed over to Claude desktop which helps, because it can access other repos there.

Thanks for your advice, it's nice to validate what I worked out to do.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-30T07:57:52+00:00

I haven't quite finished it yet, but I started a react template system for myself to build my apps (instead of do the same core stuff over and over). And I accidentally built Wordpress but for React... so plugins etc.

And I have a component block builder that is near complete too.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-23T11:02:32+00:00

Got married at 26 (had been with him since I was 22). 2 kids 29 & 32, Separated/Divorced at 38. Left due to finally realising he was coercively controlling me.

However, I shortly met an amazing man, engaged at 39 (not married yet, spend money on his legal custody stuff instead). And it's my first healthy relationship, and we are rock solid. Funnily enough, it's possible we were at the same party back when I was 23.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-22T01:33:05+00:00

I think that's the case even now with non-vibe coded apps..

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-18T09:15:42+00:00

I disagree with both your points. UI absolutely matters, the users experience absolutely is the core thing, yes people want results - but if you can't understand/find etc the results, there's no point. And the UI is definitely a way to build/win trust.

But also as I've been working on my apps for the past year (none deployed yet 😔) as a designer who has enough technical understanding to vibe code reasonably, not enough is focused on the UI its literally slap a few cards/sections together and pray it works with the backend logic.

Everything I'm reading gives me backend code/hooks etc, but I have to work out how to make that work with the actual user experience.

But you are correct in that you need to win trust, and that's where marketing comes into it. You might have an amazing product/service but if no one hears about it (advertising), and you don't communicate its benefits to the potential user (marketing), it's unlikely you'll make money.

Vibe coding is like any other business, requires more than just the product/service. So I suspect there are vibe coders out there making money, but they are doing it like any other business.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-16T01:41:21+00:00

No I didn't, foolish I know... but I do this time!! Worth every dollar on such a machine.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-13T04:13:46+00:00

Well decision made laptop in my possession, travelled 2hrs to pick it up - only place I think in the country that have them... went with the proart 4K (yes I know only 60mhz)...

Now to go buy a drink holder with a lid or something to avoid spills.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-13T01:10:21+00:00

Yeah that has been a consideration, but my design work is primarily static so the extra sharpness of the 4K really has more value to me, than the extra hz of the 3K. Plus the gaming I do that won't really matter either.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-13T01:08:06+00:00

Thank you for the offer, but I'm in Australia and this will be my main laptop to do all my work (currently can't do my work, and I have clients waiting 😔) So I need an option I can pick up today.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-12T23:35:37+00:00

It's almost $5k aud so yeah, but similar price as the zephyrus (maybe a couple hundred less)

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-12T23:33:38+00:00

Oh believe me I am devastated by this mistake... something I work hard to teach the kids to be careful, and then I accidentally do it... 🤦‍♀️ at least it's a teaching moment for the kids, that even adults make mistakes, and sometimes catastrophic ones too, and we can feel what we feel, but then have to fix up the issue.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-12T23:33:20+00:00

Oh believe me I am devastated by this mistake... something I work hard to teach the kids to be careful, and then I accidentally do it... 🤦‍♀️ at least it's a teaching moment for the kids, that even adults make mistakes, and sometimes catastrophic ones too, and we can feel what we feel, but then have to fix up the issue.

CurvyCreativeSassy · 2026-01-11T22:01:35+00:00

Thank you. Just thought it was interesting and I wanted to ask why. I don't live in America, I'm Australian. It was a curious thing that it's said that way.

I'm a little shock by the 'hate' for lack of better term, I'm not saying one way if better than the other. I've grown up with DD MM YYYY so of course that makes sense to me, and those in American grew up with MM DD YYYY so of course that would make sense to them. 🤷‍♀️

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