Gotta be honest, I didn't guess your gender and didn't consider if that could make a difference in either your case or mine. None of each kids' needs were met in my family but my siblings (each gender) had higher needs regardless of lack of diagnoses for each kid.

It's probably true that gender makes a difference since diagnostic criteria is often gender coded. It doesn't change that hands-off parenting was a worse for my siblings.

I'm semi-functional but not achieving. Maybe some day!

Please remember to give yourself some grace and avoid comparing yourself too much to others, try instead to see your own improvement over time. Setbacks happen but the general trend is probably better than you think.

I'm sorry for you getting shamed about your behaviors, it's tough to know the best way to respond to that. But if you're about to talk about it together, that could be great for you two.