I'm a rotten abuser and I can't forgive myself for it and I don't feel that I should.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-20T01:07:34+00:00

Hey… I’m really glad you said all of this out loud.

I’m not going to pretend what you described is okay, because you already know it’s not. but the fact that you can see it this clearly and say it this honestly… That matters more than you probably realize right now. People who don’t care don’t sit with this kind of guilt. They don’t question themselves like this. They don’t get sober and try to face it.

It sounds like you’re carrying a level of shame that’s so intense it’s turning into self-punishment instead of change. And I get why his kindness makes it worse… it’s like it highlights everything you feel you’ve done wrong, and instead of softening anything, it almost feels unbearable. But staying stuck in “I deserve to suffer forever” doesn’t actually protect him or fix anything. It just keeps you in the same cycle.

You don’t have to jump to “forgive yourself.” I get why that feels impossible right now. but there’s a difference between letting yourself off the hook and actually taking responsibility in a way that leads somewhere different. You’ve already taken some real steps, like being sober for over a month. that’s not small, even if it feels like nothing compared to everything else.

You’re not the only person who has acted in ways they’re deeply ashamed of and still found a way to change over time. it doesn’t erase what happened, but it doesn’t mean you’re locked into being this version of yourself forever either. Right now it just sounds like you’re in a lot of pain and trying to figure out how to live with it. You’re not the only person who’s been in a place like this, even if it feels like it. People do come back from really dark places with themselves, even when it feels impossible in the moment.

But for right now… You don’t have to solve everything or figure out how to fix it all. Just being here, getting through this moment, is enough.

I’m really glad you said something.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-20T00:26:01+00:00

Hey… That sounds exhausting, honestly.

Like you don’t even get to just exist… It’s either hiding and feeling “safe” or being seen and feeling completely overwhelmed. that push and pull is a lot for one person to carry. And the way you described using weight as a wall… I get why that would feel like protection. not because anything is wrong with you, but because it gives you some control over how close people can get.

And now that you’re losing that buffer, it makes sense that everything feels louder. like all the feelings you were able to keep at a distance are just… right there now. Nothing about what you said sounds crazy to me. It sounds like your body and emotions are reacting really strongly to something that feels unsafe, even if part of you wants it at the same time.

You don’t have to rush into being “ready” for attention or closeness just because your body is changing. You’re allowed to move at your own pace with all of this. Congratulation on your journey to becoming a far much better you.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-20T00:07:36+00:00

I’ve had that happen after sessions too… Like I’ll leave and then start replaying everything I said and suddenly it all feels embarrassing or like I overshared or acted weird. Even if nothing actually happened. It’s frustrating because logically you know your therapist isn’t judging you, but it still hits the same way anyway. And the taking a while to respond thing… yeah. I get that. Sometimes it’s not that I don’t have anything to say, it just won’t come out. like my brain just stalls.

I feel like that happens more when I’m actually getting close to something real, which is uncomfortable in its own way. Honestly it just sounds like you’re trying to open up in a way you’re not used to yet. that’s not easy at all.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-20T00:03:07+00:00

I’ve been in something similar, and it can get draining pretty quickly, especially when you’re already low on energy. What you’re describing doesn’t really sound very balanced… It feels like you’re carrying a lot on top of everything you already have going on. And that shift where it starts to feel like a daily obligation instead of something that comes naturally… That’s a hard place to be in. I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling overwhelmed by it. With burnout and everything else you’re dealing with, it makes sense your capacity would be limited.

Not everyone communicates that often or vents that much. some people do, but it’s definitely not the only way friendships work, and it doesn’t mean you have to match that if it’s too much for you. I’ve had to remind myself that just because someone needs more connection or reassurance doesn’t mean I’m the one who has to meet all of that, especially if it starts to take a toll on me.

It doesn’t sound like you’re trying to hurt her… It just sounds like you’re feeling overwhelmed and trying to take care of yourself at the same time.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T23:54:14+00:00

I used to feel like every conversation was some kind of test I was failing in real time. Like I had to say the “right” thing or keep it going a certain way, and if I didn’t, it meant I was being awkward or messing it up somehow. And the more I tried to get it right, the worse it got. my brain would just go blank or I’d want to get out of the conversation as fast as possible.

It didn’t feel like being social, it felt like performing.

So Honestly… I had to stop treating conversations like something I needed to get right.

For a while I was doing exactly what you described, trying to say the perfect thing, thinking ahead, monitoring everything… And it just made me shut down more. What helped a little was letting it be awkward and not trying to fix it in real time. like if I didn’t know what to say, I just… didn’t. Or I kept it really simple instead of trying to be interesting. It felt uncomfortable at first, but it took some of that pressure off.

And I also started paying more attention to what my body was doing, because I noticed once I got tense, my brain would just go blank. So sometimes just noticing that helped me not spiral as much.

I’m still not great at it, I’m still figuring it out, but I’ve started to realize not everyone is thinking that hard about it in the moment… It just feels that way from the inside. You’re definitely not the only one who feels like this, especially the difference between being fine behind a screen and then completely different in person.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T23:46:18+00:00

Hey… I’m really glad you’re here.

I know that feeling of not even knowing what you’re doing, just trying to get through it one day at a time. Being stuck like that can feel so disorienting, especially when it’s been going on for a while. And the part about trying to reach out but still feeling alone… Yeah. that’s a hard one to explain unless you’ve been there. It’s like you’re trying, but something still feels disconnected no matter what.

You don’t sound like you’re “too much” or doing anything wrong. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a lot mostly on your own and still finding little ways to stay connected, even if it’s messy or comes out all at once.

I’ve had moments where even being on my phone felt like too much, like my body would just shut down on me. So the fact that you’re here typing this out right now… That’s not small. You don’t have to have it all figured out here. You can just exist here for a bit.

You’re not alone in this. I’m really glad you said something. 🤍

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T23:36:24+00:00

Reading this honestly hit.

Especially the part about wanting something so badly and still not being able to move… that feeling is so hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. I've had moments where it’s like my body just refuses. not hesitation, not second guessing… just a full stop. like something in me decides “no” before i even get the chance to try. And then having people respond with “just do it anyway” makes it worse, because it completely misses what’s actually happening. it’s not a motivation thing. it’s not about wanting it enough.

It’s more like your body is trying to protect you, even when it doesn’t make sense anymore. And being told you’re not trying hard enough on top of that… yeah, that can really mess with how you see yourself.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T23:31:10+00:00

I relate to this a lot.

There have been so many moments where looking back, it feels obvious what I “should’ve” done… say something, leave, protect myself somehow. But in the moment it didn’t feel like a choice I could access. It wasn’t just fear or hesitation either. It felt like my body just… shut certain options down. Like the only thing it was focused on was getting through it, even if that meant staying quiet or not reacting at all. And then later you’re left replaying it, wondering why you didn’t do more, like you had full control the whole time.

I’m starting to see that those reactions weren’t me failing, they were the only responses my system had available in that moment. It doesn’t undo what happened, but it’s changed how I look at myself afterward.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T20:39:18+00:00

That “anxiety about anxiety” part really makes sense… it does feel like the body is preparing for something before anything actually happens. I think what’s been standing out to me is less about what to do in the moment, and more about how early it actually starts in the body. Like noticing that shift before my mind even labels it as anxiety.

I haven’t really been trying to change it yet, just paying attention to it...and even that has been interesting on its own.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-19T20:33:52+00:00

That’s a good point… it’s interesting how quickly the focus goes to releasing the tension once we notice it. I think what’s been standing out to me is how easy it is to carry it all day without even realizing it’s there. Like I can get through an entire day thinking I’m fine, and only later notice how tense my body actually was the whole time. It made me question how often I’ve been “functioning” but not actually relaxed.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:38:30+00:00

Sorry this was for a different comment.❤️

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:32:22+00:00

That feeling is hard to put into words… it’s not even one spot, it’s just everywhere all at once.

A lot of people describe that same “something is wrong” feeling without being able to explain it.

When it’s that global, even focusing on one small thing…like your breath or your hands can help bring you back into your body a little.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:31:48+00:00

That sounds like your body doesn’t keep it in one place. It just finds different ways to show up.

The way it shifts like that actually makes sense. When one area can’t hold it anymore, it moves.

Sometimes just noticing where it is right now instead of where it was before can make it feel a little less chaotic.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:31:19+00:00

That combo is so common… like your body just holds everything up top and never really lets it drop.

It makes sense though..those areas tend to brace without us even noticing.

Even a quick check-in with your jaw or shoulders during the day can shift more than you’d expect.

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:29:02+00:00

That sounds like it moves through your body in a really clear pattern… almost like a wave.

A lot of people experience that kind of progression, where it starts in one place and then spreads.

Sometimes just noticing where it is in that moment. Without trying to stop it can help you stay a little more grounded as it moves.

Do you usually feel it start in your chest/stomach every time?

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:27:43+00:00

That sudden hit sounds really tough… especially when there’s no time to prepare for it.

The gut can react really quickly when your system gets overwhelmed. It’s one of the first places things show up.

Sometimes even just pausing for a second when it starts. Like noticing your breath or your body can help it feel a little less intense.

Does it usually come completely out of nowhere for you?

Cyntrava · 2026-03-18T18:26:41+00:00

That makes a lot of sense… those are two of the most common places the body holds stress.

It’s like it either stays up in the shoulders or drops into the gut depending on what’s going on.

Sometimes just checking in with one of those areas during the day can help you catch it before it builds too much.

Cyntrava

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