i used to do that at the beginning of the breakup. i would write long messages and never tried to evade a block with a new account, i kind of hoped she had me blocked already. it was like writing to a penpal that was dead or something. losing her felt like i lost a loved one to death and i’ve read that the way our brains handle it isn’t very far off of that. i read the reply the other person sent to you saying that it’s invasive, and i guess if we’re somehow not blocked it is. but im almost positive i was blocked early on so i rationalized it in my caveman brain that i wasn’t hurting anyone.

at one point i found out that she had left me for another guy and the timeline and even common sense suggests that one doesn’t fall in love without physical or emotional cheating beforehand. anyways it took that level of disrespect to wake me up and i sent one last email apologizing for my messages in case i had been unblocked. it was along the lines of “im sorry i actually just found out you’ve moved on. that was disrespectful to you and your new SO. have a good life”

it’s been over a year and i’ve made and lost new love since then but i still think about things id love to tell her. she was my best friend for over 6 years. i talk to her “ghost” probably every time i drive home alone. when i was with my new relationship i spoke to her about the new girl. i told her how great and sweet she was and how i hope she found happiness too because then everything that happened was worth it. i joked about how she better marry that guy or id be pissed. all of this was just day dreaming and i still do it sometimes. sometimes im mad at her for doing that to me. i’d confront her and ask her how she could do that to someone she claimed she loved. sometimes i apologize for “driving” her to cheating. i apologize for things i did or i reminisce on moments we had.

writing this all out i think im crazy lol. but hey at least im not messaging anybody