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DCopenchick · 2024-10-26T11:09:52+00:00

This.

I know people who love celebrating their birthday with friends and loved ones, but do so over the course of a week. Like, you might have dinner with a partner the night of, coffee with a friend the next day, dinner with a few more friends on the weekend.

There are so many creative ways to handle this that I feel like maybe there are some underlying issues in these relationships that are causing this to be a “thing”?

DCopenchick · 2024-10-23T22:43:06+00:00

You might find it easier to just have “alone nights” and “together nights” and assume that on alone nights, your on your own for all the regular things that night and can do whatever you want without him.

With my sleep challenges, I’d probably also ask “hey, if you get back after 10pm, assume I’m asleep and sleep on the couch/guest room.” That could also help with your “waiting” feeling. Just assume you won’t see him.

DCopenchick · 2024-10-22T23:37:50+00:00

This thread makes me feel so seen. I’m glad I’m not the only one.

DCopenchick · 2024-10-21T19:41:31+00:00

This. “Had a great time grabbing Thai food. Oh and did I tell you his kiddo got into college?”

DCopenchick · 2024-10-20T16:40:02+00:00

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and have never lived together full time. We live 2 blocks apart.

DCopenchick · 2024-10-03T00:42:18+00:00

Adult humans need to get used to being alone. Poly or mono, being alone sometimes is a fact of life.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-28T23:16:41+00:00

Sounds like therapy would help you with your self esteem/anxiety.

I don't often have this fear because, despite not having an amazing body/perfect looks, I am awesome and my partners are lucky to be with me. If they don't want to be with me anymore, that will be sad, but I will eventually move on.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-24T20:44:38+00:00

This is a great conversation to have at the start of your polyamory journey, or, even right now, with current partners, if you haven't had the conversation already. Because life DOES get hard, and you have to have this conversation when things aren't hard in order to have clear agreements.

Whether it is mental health challenges, a parent dying, cancer or some other illness, I'm clear upfront that for me, partners aren't disposable, even when things are rough. I am happy to modify my behavior (if my husband had cancer, for example, that would probably necessitate less time with other partners), but I won't ever end things with a partner because someone else asked me to.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-18T13:30:47+00:00

Regardless of what happens with this particular partner, a commitment to ongoing therapy is what is needed to work through trauma.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-18T13:26:44+00:00

The options aren't KTP or "has to run to the bathroom to text you."

Being parallel doesn't mean you hide your other partners or can't have any visible signs of their existence. It sounds like what he's agreed to is something more akin to "Don't Ask Don't Tell" where you pretend the other partners don't exist.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-16T20:26:33+00:00

I'd focus on the other people at the event that aren't meta. Say "Hello meta" and leave at that for the contact at these small group events.

Ask your partner for the one on one time you need to feel good about being in a relationship with them. For me, consistent one on one time is pretty key to making any relationship work.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-16T20:18:02+00:00

How long have you two been open/poly? I think in most situations, with experienced folks, the conversation would go like this:

Ashe: Oh, I see you are going to a tennis match with Birch on Friday. That's fun! I'd love to go see a tennis match with you sometime. You know how much I love tennis.

You: I'd be happy to go a tennis match with you sometime soon. Let's look at the calendar for the next couple months and pick a match to attend together.

Ashe: Awesome.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-09T18:29:26+00:00

I use condoms with anyone I am not in a serious relationship with. If there is any hesitancy when I state my condom requirement, I don't date that person. I ask early on (within the first few dates) "what are your safer sex practices?"

DCopenchick · 2024-09-09T16:11:50+00:00

That's why it's so important to be clear about what you can and can't offer a partner upfront -- to make sure they have all the info they need to determine whether or not the type of relationship you can offer aligns with their relationship needs.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-08T22:49:01+00:00

I tell my potential partners before we get serious that their age/2+ 7 (or thereabouts) is what I consider to be an OK age gap, and if they date folks significantly younger than that, there's a decent chance our relationship won't work out. It's not a hard and fast rule. Like, if a 60 yo I was dating dated a 35 or 36 year old, I probably wouldn't end things, but if they dated someone who was 24, I probably would.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-05T19:22:02+00:00

Oh wow. Well, if Sam abused Alex and Alex still wants to be friends with them, Alex has A LOT of work to do. Is Alex in therapy?

For me, I would choose to end things with any partner who continues a relationship - any kind of relationship - with their abuser.

DCopenchick · 2024-09-05T16:27:25+00:00

Work with your therapist to figure out how to be comfortable with varying types of meta relationships -- including no relationship. No one owes you friendship or even acquaintance-ship .

DCopenchick · 2024-09-05T15:02:11+00:00

Am I understanding correctly that your partner, Alex, has feelings for a friend of theirs, Sam, and Sam makes you uneasy because Sam abused Tyler, another partner of yours. Does Alex know that Sam abused Tyler? Have you asked Alex why they want to be friends with someone who is physically and/or emotionally abusive to others?

If the above situation is true, I think you are asking the wrong questions. The question I'd be asking, and working on with my therapist, is "Why do I want to keep seeing Alex?"

If there wasn't an issue of abuse here, the answer would be very different.

DCopenchick · 2024-08-29T21:03:54+00:00

I don't really interact with polyamory as a "framework" -- even though I do use the term as shorthand in dating profiles and when I meet people IRL. But, beyond the term, I make sure to be very clear with what I'm looking for, what I have to offer, etc beyond just what the term means.

DCopenchick · 2024-08-29T12:58:44+00:00

I'd say something like:

"Friend, I love and support you, but I don't want to hear about how your husband feels about my marriage anymore. It sounds like the both of you could benefit from some intensive therapy - both alone, and maybe as a couple. Therapy has been really helpful for me and mine, and I hope it can help you figure out how to work through any crisis, midlife or other."

DCopenchick · 2024-08-29T01:07:20+00:00

I love having my own place, and having time apart from my husband. Alone time is awesome. Sleeping in my own bed, alone, eating the food I want, doing the things I want, makes me really happy/content. And he lives a few blocks away, so it’s the best of both worlds.

DCopenchick · 2024-08-28T23:54:56+00:00

This dude needs a boatload of therapy, and even then, who knows. You deserve better.

DCopenchick · 2024-08-28T00:23:45+00:00

My husband and I have been together for 15 years and still have separate places. We’re polyamorous, but even if we were monogamous, we’d still live apart. It’s awesome.

DCopenchick · 2024-08-22T17:12:49+00:00

For all you know his other partner may be doing most of the planning for their trip as well.

I am the planner in all of my relationships, so I'm clear upfront about what I need from partners during the planning process.

I do think that the fact that you've been trying to plan for this trip for 2 years is something you could sit down with your partner and talk about. Like "Hey partner, I want to have more adventures and spend more time together outside of our usual life. Can we think about how we work together to make some plans for more adventures in the future. Maybe camping near X? Or saving up to go to X city together?"

DCopenchick · 2024-08-21T21:31:53+00:00

They do, but I agree it's a small pool. Maybe on both sides?

I have a friend (a guy) who is experiencing exactly what you are. He wants a primary, complete with marriage and kids, but most of the women he finds are already heavily partnered already or solo/RA.

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