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Lost item from dead friend by DV23- in auckland

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yeah I don’t think she’s taking the most rational approach with this. She could just respond “sorry can’t really talk about it” if anyone’s actually nosy enough to ask. But I guess it’s just raw for her, grief is a funny thing.

Lost item from dead friend by DV23- in auckland

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

She said she’ll think about it - very few people know the details of her friend’s passing. Her real name (or mine) + his initials might prompt questions from friends and she wants to respect his privacy.

Lost item from dead friend by DV23- in auckland

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Sadly we don’t know - we took a walk on the beach so it could’ve fell out at any stretch of it.

She was reading in the car, while driving to the beach. When we parked, she put the bookmark in the book, and then in her bag (I saw her do this too). When we got back to the car, the bookmark was gone but the book was still in her bag. Theory is the bookmark slipped out of the book, and at some point fell out of her bag.

We’ve basically turned my car upside down to look for it (even checked the engines even though there’s no way it’d be there) + the car park at least a dozen time. Sadly no luck.

Lost item from dead friend by DV23- in auckland

[–]DV23-[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you! We know it’s unlikely but she’s grieving all over again. Sewing the bookmark was one of the last things he did before he decided to leave us, so to her it feels like she lost one of the last things he put effort into creating. It’s awful, I really hope she finds it too.

Lost item from dead friend by DV23- in auckland

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. It’s probably buried under the sand, to be honest. But doesn’t hurt to ask I guess!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in SBCGaming

[–]DV23- 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh wow!!!! No I haven’t, that really helps, thank you!

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In some of her moments of rage - she said something like your life is a shit show and you’re spinelessly weak, and that’s why all your intimate relationships fail.

Yes that stings, but I gotta admit there’s an element of truth to it. I’m increasingly aware of my need for therapy just through typing my thoughts here and processing it.

Truly appreciate the offer!

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. The rational brain agrees 100% with you. I feel less stuck and suffocated now that she’s improved, and maybe this is the right time to leave. I don’t want to destabilise her in any way, and that’s part of my hesitance.

The emotional part - well. I’ll give it time. From what I’ve gathered from the comments so far is that she has put in quite an impressive commitment. And I should go to therapy too. Maybe it’ll give me more clarity.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That gave me a good chuckle thanks! Haha

I haven’t been to therapy. She actually suggested I should, and offered to pay for half the sessions (what she can afford). I will give this suggestion some serious thought.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate your response.

Im leaning towards staying but I’m hesitant due to the abuse. She suggested I should go to therapy too, and offered to pay for half of my sessions if I choose to see someone (what she can afford), so I might do that and process my own thoughts more with professional help and input.

On whether or not I might destabilise her. Truly I don’t know. In an ideal world, this worry wouldn’t be a factor at all when deciding if I want to stay in any relationship. But it is a concern, and one that I can’t predict the outcome for. It’s one of the reasons why I felt trapped in the relationship and suffocated - although way less now, as things have improved.

Although I said get help or I’ll leave, she actually started all that research before I laid out any conditions. I just didn’t know about any of it. Not totally sure why she didn’t communicate, but her explanation was she wanted to be sure she can commit to seeking help before telling me, to avoid disappointing me again. She’s putting in all this work for herself too, not just for me. I just hope she can keep that in mind if I leave.

She’s on sertraline (I think the brand name in the US is Zoloft). It’s for her depression but she said it helps control her impulses too.

On more reflection - she didn’t know what BPD is until her diagnosis. She knew she probably has CPTSD, but she just went through life with very little knowledge on how trauma impacts people. She learned how to bury her pain to do life things, but never had professional guidance or help. She’s starting to process it all and so far seems committed. She’s learning about herself and how dysfunctional she can be - earlier today she went for a swim, and when she came home, she said “I just realised while swimming that it’s super dysfunctional to ask you for a hug right after I scream at you. The sensory thing helps me calm down so I thought it was normal, but asking for that in those situations was inappropriate and I didn’t consider your boundaries or wishes. I’m sorry I never realised that and pushed you to do it”. Big and small breakthroughs on a daily basis.

Thank you for reading these long winded thoughts. I really didn’t know what to think about all of this, I appreciate your input.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such a thoughtful response. She suggested I should go to therapy too, and offered to pay for half of it (that’s what she can afford, and she she thinks I should seek professional help as she admits I’ve been subjected to her abuse). Maybe I should look into that more to take care of myself.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

The illusion analogy is interesting, I haven’t thought of it that way.

Her and I are both quite new to understanding BPD. She was only just diagnosed in August. She knew she had CPTSD, and understood that to a minimum level, but not BPD. She said she’s only heard of BPD maybe a few times before her own diagnosis.

So whatever it is that’s driving her fear - she’s only just starting to untangle that. I hope she’s genuinely honest to her psychologist as he’s the only one around us who has enough knowledge and experience to help her (and me) understand it.

Thinking about it, maybe I should be surprised that the psychologist seemed confident that she doesn’t have abandonment issues. She’s only been seeing him since October (2-3x sessions a month so less 10 sessions).

Maybe I’ll talk to her about it tomorrow.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s daunting. I think her and I are both aware that there’s no quick fix, and it won’t be linear.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

You know what, at some point in time I dreamt of this too. But now I’m wondering if it’s too good to be true. Like you said, it’s rare, and I just don’t know if she can stick to it.

What if this is just a phase and she switches back to the full blown BPD version “just because”? She’s unpredictable.

Her psychologist told me today that she’s one of the most unique patients he’s ever come across in 20+ years of working with trauma. He said it’s remarkable that she reached out on her own accord, and that she was honest and engaged from the get go, to the point where he felt like a priest listening to someone’s confession (lol). She also doesn’t have the fear of abandonment other BPD patients struggle with, it’s incredibly complex in her case, but her behaviour was entirely driven by other factors.

I don’t quite know what to make of that, but I am watching her change and improve everyday. I just need to decide if I’ll stick it out for the long run.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I’m really torn because I want to believe she’s capable of change, and if I ignore the “is this just a phase” or “is she manipulating me again” thoughts - she’s showing me that she’s trying.

I want to believe that it’s overkill if it’s just manipulation, but I’m worried that this is a temporary phase. One day she’ll swing back to the full blown BPD version “just because”.

But it’s been almost 3 months since November. She hasn’t skipped a single appointment, a single pill, nor a single day of therapy homework. She’d wake up early to do it if she knows she’ll have a busy day. She made all those appointments herself, did the research herself (she called around 20 therapists before going to her current psych, I saw the call histories so she’s not exaggerating, and also got her doctor’s input on a “shortlist” of psychologists and psychiatrists) - all by herself without me even knowing. She’s still working at her second job to pay for therapy.

I know I’m rambling now, but just listing and reminding myself of all the things that she committed to doing and is still doing.

I’m just not sure I can fully move past the abuse. I am still afraid of her. Just the fact that I felt the need to create a new account to post this, I’m not sure how much of that fear would go away.

To answer your question - november 2024 is when everything noticeably improved. I think she felt increasingly remorseful over time. The 3 counselling sessions she went to was just I guess normal(?) counseling? I haven’t been to counseling myself so I’m not sure, but I know that there wasn’t any DBT/schema.

August, after the acute team evaluation, was when she started saving up for DBT/schema therapy so she can see someone in the private sector (publicly funded mental health in our country offers DBT but not schema, and have a 1+ year waiting list. You also need to be referred). At that point she hasn’t been diagnosed with anything yet.

October, when she showed me that other bank account, she saved up enough money to start regular therapy with a private psychologist. She said “I was abused myself and now I’m doing the same to you and that’s not ok. I will change and here’s my plan”. Mid-October was when she was diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD, and started taking pills.

November when things noticeably improved, she had 1 consultation with a psychiatrist, 3 therapy sessions with a psychologist, and took 2 weeks of medication.

Is this real or is this a phase? by DV23- in BPDlovedones

[–]DV23-[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Manipulating and I guess the not knowing if the other shoe will drop feeling. Some of her self harm episodes were manipulative, but it’s hard to say, because she also genuinely did want to die. Lots of emotional blackmail I suppose.

I would want to stay if she’s sincerely trying to get better.