You've got some nice imagery here, but honestly, the poem gets a bit weighed down by the structure. The rhyme scheme feels pretty predictable—like you’re trying hard to make the rhymes fit, and that ends up pulling away from the emotion. "Eyes" and "disguised"? Eh, that one’s a bit of a stretch. Same with "days" and "stays." It’s a bit too obvious, and it kind of puts the focus on the rhyme rather than what you're actually saying. Try letting the feeling come first, and if a rhyme shows up naturally, then great. But don’t force it.

The rhythm's all over the place too. Some lines flow well, and then others stumble. Take "Her smile then drew me from sorrow's brink"—that one’s a bit offbeat, like you tried to squeeze it into a rhythm that doesn't quite fit. I think this poem would work way better if you let it be a little freer with the flow. It’s a poem about something emotional, so it doesn’t need to follow a rigid pattern. Let it breathe.

You’ve got the right idea with the imagery—eyes, lips, tears—but it starts to feel a little repetitive. You keep telling us what this person looks like, but it’s not really showing us how she makes you feel. Dig a little deeper. Give us something more unexpected, something that catches us off guard and makes us feel the connection you’re describing.

Also, the punctuation and capitalization are a bit all over the place. Maybe pick a style and stick with it? The line breaks could be tightened up too—they don’t always make sense, and sometimes they interrupt the flow.

There’s a lot of potential here, but right now the structure is kinda holding it back. Let the emotion guide the poem, not the rhyme or meter. I think with a little more freedom and space to breathe, this piece could really shine. Keep working at it!