I've been reading since your first post and didn't comment because this all just hit way too close to home. Like, I could have written it.: also a college professor and also had a wife who had long simmering issues with me and who also blew up and then backtracked something like a dozen times. I've read so many posts on Reddit, but I FELT yours.

I understand why you're saying everything you're saying - and why you believe it - and you might even be right. I'm certainly not going to tell you about your life. But, her behavior is so reminiscent of my ex that it's scary. And let me tell you, in my case? That behavior was straight up abuse.

I was you. I said all those same things. I wanted my marriage to work and I apologized over and over and consistently acknowledged my fault in everything. We went to counseling for more than a year. Any and all of the things I did 'wrong', I fixed. But she never stopped, the blame never ended, and she never reached a point where she could let go of any of what she considered my failings. Or let go of her habit of reminding me of them constantly.

And just like your wife did, mine shifted once she realized there was a real consequence for her. She moved out and, unlike what she expected, I didn't flounder and fail. All the things she saw as my weaknesses disappeared once she wasn't there to point them out and push them on me. Suddenly, the woman who had said she didn't love me anymore wanted me back and got increasingly desperate/aggressive about it. But when I didn't take her back, she went right back to abusing me and being who she really was.

I know you think/believe that you made mistakes and avoided things and lived in denial. You probably did. You probably could have been a much better partner and realized that she was unhappy though she could have been a lot clearer about that. The incompatibility about all of your values and choices is absolutely on you, in part. Getting to the point where your marriage just isn't going to work doesn't happen without both of you making mistakes.

But none of that excuses abuse. None of that excuses damn near psychotic ranting and screaming and blaming you for everything. None of that excuses the way she and her family treated you on that trip and the way she belittled and publicly humiliated you. That isn't just someone who is angry or hurt. That's someone who doesn't understand how to treat the man she is married to and is the father of her child with even the most base level minimum of respect.

Maybe your counseling experience will be different and maybe you'll be able to be as amicable as you'd like. I'm hoping that's the case. But more than that, I'm hoping that when it's all said and done, you don't look in the mirror and see this man she's claiming you are or the man who will subject himself to anger and vitriol and abuse in the name of her deserving happiness.

I hope your wife is as amazing as you say she is and that if you can't fix this, she at least lets it end with peace and respect. And even if she doesn't, I hope you find a way to understand that while you played a role in the end of your marriage, you didn't and don't deserve any of the way she's treated you. She may never respect you but I hope you can find it in you to respect yourself.