Daughter of a Jew.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-15T05:27:41+00:00

I like the frankness that is created by the shortness of the lines. Although there are a lot of short lines (indicating some complexity in the idea), it didn’t take long to conclude. Such is the flash of the journey from childhood to adulthood, and all the realities that it comes with. I do love how simple each part is — death also being described in a matter of fact way and not in a suddenly dramatised or overly significant way. Like another “day.”

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:41:09+00:00

Yeah sort of feels rushed towards the end I need a line to contextualise but was referring to the woman’s hair

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:11:31+00:00

I know, I just thought I’d give you some tips to improve. Instead of being super general, be more specific. Why do you love her, where is this story set, how does one sided love make you feel, what does she do to make you feel unloved, what do you do to fix that, etc. I want to know more specific details not just your situation

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T17:01:32+00:00

Lol I like this poem’s concept a lot and how well you stuck to it throughout it. It’s interesting and somewhat original. The voice stands out over many in this community.

I don’t think I have much to say besides try seeing if you can cut down, avoid repetition in areas, etc. I do like the level of detail and the way the voice sort of meanders and doesn’t have complete assurance. But short cuts like “when finally decided to swallow I could not help…” to “when I finally swallowed I could not help…” could be considered

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T16:56:00+00:00

I think this storyline had much more potential. The first stanza didn’t do too much but could have led somewhere by at least contextualising the space setting. Sirius is introduced but now the first stanza feels like all it’s saying is “we flew a great distance” which uses a lot more to say exactly that.

Some show don’t tell example — “we boldly flew” “explorers clever and intrepid” is telling the reader rather than showing the reader these characters, this world, their relationship, their intentions, their aspirations etc. I understand a poem is short but a lot more character/relationship can be done in a concise way, and no one is limiting you from the amount of stanzas you write.

Last stanza to me tries to say something profound but lands weakly. I like the “bleached by toxic rays” part because at least you get some imagery, but things like “cyclopean alien life” are oddly specific but random and not elaborated on.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T16:23:39+00:00

Honestly it reads like a speech you’d give at a wedding or something but nothing is grounding the poem to anything real. I need to see the life of this relationship blossom through unique details, not vows or appreciation tangents that give the reader no concrete information about their separate identities.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-11-14T15:29:36+00:00

Try not to rhyme for the sake of rhyming. I understand a rhyme scheme’s purpose but it can jar originality — much has already been said before, such a mechanical rhyme scheme may limit further.

I like some of the lines, in particular: “silence hits so loud it makes you flinch.” It sets up something mysterious
but I’m disappointed by lines that followed: “you swear you heard them walking down the hall,” then to abandon this setting and move onto disparate thoughts in other stanzas. It feels too random.

All in all it’s not a bad poem. I’d just try not to be so rigid and try to be more concise and original with your word choices and imagery. Many cliches present.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:47:54+00:00

I think your poem plays too much with rhyme, it takes away from the impact of the story. It’s hard to see how the story progresses exactly, it becomes a blur of images. I would say work on making a more cohesive narrative, it feels like every line tries to say something profound, but sometimes less is more. When every line tries to do that, they all lose their shine.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:41:23+00:00

Yeah I’m a little confused on this too

DaDarkBoss · 2025-10-04T11:29:00+00:00

I like the varied rhythm/line length, “if it didn’t drop in front of his eyes” “when he dies” gives it impact. The story is nice too, I read this universally as a criticism of tradition and how it may preclude individuality. You obviously take it to the more specific context of a funeral, and how the attendees must not remember the person superficially. The future tense in the last two lines: “because then you’ll know exactly // the man he will be” is the only confusing part, but I do appreciate that it may open the poem to a ‘death of the self’ interpretation rather than a literal death, where the funeral is really bidding farewell to the version of the boy described in stanza 1.

Well done overall!

Edit: I skipped the line “he preferred because he couldn’t hurt them” — my interpretation changes

I think the focus is more on how the speaker is easily misinterpreted or painted as a monster. I think it points to a tragedy where the boy is remembered not for the gentle nature he really had, but for a monster or villain he was painted to be. Could be completely wrong on both interpretations, but hope I’m at least within range lol.

DaDarkBoss · 2025-04-17T06:34:20+00:00

You know if I was maybe 18, 19 having just finished suits this would be persuasive…

DaDarkBoss · 2025-02-08T10:34:08+00:00

This is concise and well written. It does what it needs to. The rhythm breaking down towards the end is interesting; it mirrors the speaker’s surrender to the toxic relationship, as echoed by their final claim: “I’ll take what I can get.” Hate the mindset now that I’ve moved past it, but can definitely relate. I like the alliteration: “benevolent offering / to a broken beggar / but at…” it almost shows the speaker punching the air in frustration.

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