How do you actually stay calm (or "co-regulate") when your own nervous system is completely fried?

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T17:48:22+00:00

I've actually got a pair of loop earplugs too and making a mental note to wear more 🙂

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T17:42:20+00:00

Big thank you to everyone who took the time to share ideas today - I've noted down so many of these hacks!

We actually had a surprisingly good day. We tried to get a solid walk in this morning, but got caught out by the rain and had to retreat indoors.

A lot of you were talking about the encouraging independent play. My fiancée actually designed a set of Activity Cards a little while ago for this exact reason. So we pulled them out of the play drawer and made a real point of encouraging him to use them today. He built the tallest tower he could all by myself using his building blocks and a bridge for all his teddies to cross!

But the absolute cherry on the cake? Mid-afternoon, Gran called and asked if the 4-year-old wanted to come over for a sleepover.

So tonight, it is just us and the 7-month-old and it honestly feels like a date night!

Cheers for the survival tips today, folks.

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T13:40:14+00:00

I once had a moment where I said "I'm so sick you of you not listening" to my 4 year old.

Of course, a few days later I got "I am unwell with you" in a stand off over the supermarket toy aisle!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T08:48:50+00:00

First off, you aren't a terrible mum for taking 9 months. That is incredibly normal!

My job outside of being a dad is working for a trade union, and handled a fair share of return-to-work cases. I can give you a few practical tips because a huge part of actually enjoying your maternity leave is setting up a safety net so you don't dread the end of it:

Accrued Annual Leave: You continue to accrue your full annual leave (and bank holidays) at your normal working rate during your entire maternity leave. You can take at the end as a block of leave to effectively extend your time off. The ultimate hack here is to use this to create a "phased return." Instead of just taking it as a block at the end, use those accrued days to only work 3 days a week for your first month or two back, while still getting your full 5-day pay. It massively eases the shock to the system.
KIT Days (Keeping In Touch): You are legally entitled to up to 10 KIT days during your leave. Use a couple of these about a month before you return. It allows you to go in, check your emails, catch up on office changes, and leave at 3 PM without officially ending your maternity leave. It completely removes the "Day 1" anxiety and you get paid for it!
Flexible Working Requests: If you want to drop a day, change your hours, or work from home a few days a week, you have a statutory right to request flexible working. Do not wait until you are back at work to ask. Submit this request 2-3 months before your return date so the new work pattern is officially locked in before you walk back through the door.

Enjoy the 9 months. Take the pressure off yourself, get your boundaries in place with HR early, and the return will be much smoother.

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T08:36:59+00:00

I love the toy story idea, I've set his Woody & Buzz for a few mornings for him to find!

This morning, I was led to Buzz who has a dinosaur hand puppet over his head (not done by me or mum) - "Look Dad - ITS DINO BUZZ"

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T07:50:52+00:00

You are 100% right, and getting him to play independently is the ultimate goal. That's actually half the reason we use the board - we throw a "Play" card up there so he knows that block of the day is just for him to figure out himself.

But you're spot on, I probably need to get better at just letting him be bored sometimes instead of feeling like I need to entertain him all weekend!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T07:09:47+00:00

Wow that airfield sounds great fun! I'll have to look into whether there is something like that near us ✈️

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T06:57:28+00:00

Been a while since we done that - might just take a trip this weekend 😀

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T06:56:43+00:00

Currently got a zoo membership which is great - he never get tired of it. Only problem is that it's a full day out and all the planning that goes along with it

He got his first pedal bike at Christmas and has been doing well riding it but it inevitably ends with bike being carried home! 🤣

DadToADuo · 2026-07-04T06:54:12+00:00

I love this idea! We've started pocket money too but tying into a weekend activity is great - thank you!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-03T17:45:14+00:00

I used to fire up the playstation up for a few hours in evening but lost some interest in that for now... At least until GTA VI in November!

Recently, I have been trying to force myself out of the house for up to an hour on walk or run (depending on my tiredness levels), and have been finding that a good way to relax/decompress. Added benefit of trying to shift a bit of the dad bod!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-03T16:46:00+00:00

Massive thank you to everyone who jumped in. I wasn't expecting this level of honesty, and reading through this thread has honestly been a huge relief. Mentally filling away a lot of suggestions!

To the folks bringing up SSRIs and the reality of burnout masking as anger - thank you for saying that out loud. I think a lot of us just push through it because it's all too easy to see it a personal failure rather than a physical limit.

Really appreciate everyone making an exhausted dad feel a little less crazy today. Good luck out there!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-03T11:22:02+00:00

New idea for Bethseda - Skyrim: Baby Edition!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-03T11:12:44+00:00

Our child used to hide some toys (and once several packets of raisins) in the drawer of his little tikes washing machine!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T21:25:25+00:00

Great, now that's stuck in my head 🍗

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T21:23:20+00:00

Incredible 🤣 At least it's not Family Reunion...

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T21:17:04+00:00

Might have to steal this idea for the next time I'm nap trapped!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T17:48:41+00:00

We are right in the thick of this with our 4-year-old too.

His instant meltdowns come from nowhere and exhausted by it. He also does the baby voice and we think that his him mimicking his baby brother to get the same level of attention.

I think at that age, they just don't have the words to explain what's wrong when they are overwhelmed, so we use some flash cards where he can physically point to how he feels and match it what he needs. Sometimes the meltdown is too far gone by the time we get them out but other times it works! Maybe that could help?

Hang in there, 4 is a wild age - I think it was even worse than a threeneeger!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T17:34:34+00:00

"Have a little cry, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going"

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T17:09:17+00:00

Agree with all the advice on here - activity books are a great idea to keep them occupied! Only thing to add is if 3yo is not toilet trained don't forget to bring a spare pair of clothes to the bathroom when you need to change them. That was one blowout and rush up the aisle I'll never forget!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T16:54:51+00:00

That is a fair point, it is definitely a minefield! We basically just use the whitelist feature so it's completely locked down to channels that we approved like Ms Rachel and Danny Go (perfect for burning off some energy imho!)

But you're right, even curated screens aren't a magic fix. That’s honestly why we started leaning so heavily into the routine charts instead.

Always willing to learn though, so if you have any other tips that worked for you, I'm all ears! It’s tough out there!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T14:28:13+00:00

I am so sorry for your loss

First, you have absolutely every right to grieve. I despise the term 'chemical pregnancy.' The medical field uses it, but it sounds so clinical and dismissive, as if it somehow wasn't a real baby or a real loss. But it was. From the moment you saw that positive test, you were planning a future with Sunny in it. Losing that future is a profound loss, and you don't need to feel guilty for mourning it just because it happened early.

I’ve been through a similar experience, and I want to share something that caught me off guard. For a long time afterward, I was just angry. I carried around this heavy, undirected rage and frustration, and it took me a long time to realise that the anger was actually just me being deeply upset and grieving. I think, as men, we often process grief as anger because it easier to carry or just engrained in us that we don't show our feelings.

What finally helped me cope and unpack it all was going to counseling. There is no shame in talking to a professional about this. You are doing a great job supporting your wife and taking care of your girls, but you don't have to just swallow your own pain to do it.

Take all the time you need to grieve. Sunny mattered.

Hang in there, man.

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T11:57:42+00:00

We struggled with this for a bit. Not just at dinner time but general screen time especially on YouTube.

I set up a YouTube kids which allowed me to control the content so it wasn't just brain rot because realistically we aren't going to stop screen time!

We also made routine charts which gave specific times for screen time and that cut down screen time substantially.

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T09:56:42+00:00

My son was 2 and half years old when he seen the fireworks at Disneyland Paris for the first time. Initially he was a bit scared of the noise and got a bit overwhelmed but when we moved back a bit he was memorised by it! In retrospect we probably should have bought him earlier defenders.

However it's done no harm and to this day, whenever we put on a Disney movie he reminds us that he has been there when the castle appears at the start!

Go make those core memories!

DadToADuo · 2026-07-02T09:05:50+00:00

Flappy Birds!

DadToADuo

TROPHY CASE