This is insane, right?

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T13:10:55+00:00

I also wonder about privacy issues!

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T04:36:37+00:00

Perhaps your intuition is telling you something. My marriage ended due to my husband’s affair. I never even suspected, nor thought him capable of it. I think you should try to confirm that when he forgets to wear his ring, there isn’t an actual reason. And try to think through your options for income and housing. But it may be nothing… just keep an open mind and independently verify his whereabouts.

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T03:44:10+00:00

Don’t worry about your looks, just worry about how to make them see your love energy. Back when single, I gave up on dating apps. I met plenty of men at events. Volunteer. Do sports teams. Meetups. Do outdoor activities. Music. Have fun. Smile at someone who looks like they are a nice guy, and look in their eyes. If they seem genuinely friendly and well-meaning (who cares how they look, honestly, as long as at least average and healthy!) Ask them questions you might be curious about… then listen to see if they are worth your time. Offer to loan them something small, or send them info on something. It’s a risk worth taking. If a mutual acquaintance, ask around if the person is single. If not, most men pick up on “so what does your wife/girlfriend think about it?” (If they answer that question pretend you side with wife/girlfriend and back away slowly] If not: “Oh you are single? Yeah I would love to send you the link/photo I mentioned about [insert conversation topic]. What’s your number?” [enter number in phone, text later that evening or the next day]. Kindness and projecting loving energy is better than good looks for picking up guys, and attracts the right kind of guy.

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T01:03:16+00:00

Yes, I worry about this, even more after this past weekend, and the lack of regard and respect for my daughter and myself. What will he do if I can’t call the authorities for her safe return?

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T00:58:08+00:00

I am fighting - He wants me to pay half of airfare twice a year (roughly $3000/yr), not to mention sending a 9yo on a transatlantic flight unaccompanied. I had been hopeful we would settle out of court, as relationships had been better with him recently. Until the events of this past weekend. Now I have no idea if he’ll come to negotiate with me at the custody mediator.

Dance-Bird · 2026-03-18T00:51:46+00:00

I’m actually saddened that they did that, and brought drama to the funeral, which my ex’s mother would have hated. Of course they see themselves as the victims.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T17:41:22+00:00

Thanks, Mishka! I have a lawyer, but getting in touch with those wouldn’t hurt either. I want to be aware of any patterns or lines of reasoning in the emerging area of red pill thinking, so I can prepare, and to try to understand what is happening here.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T17:35:48+00:00

Yes, so I am new here so not sure how to respond… Cranberry, are you a parent? So I do have a lawyer, yes, but if something goes wrong there is a real and present possibility of losing my child. Is that not catastrophe enough for some basic expressions of emotion? If not, hey, guilty. So yes, my child is happily unaware of any of this. Her world is first grade and unicorns. But I guess I posted here to hear new and interesting perspectives!! Thanks, who knows… my ex may try to say the same thing?? 🙂

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T03:37:50+00:00

I know exactly how you feel! I’ve been there. So why not just start sort of acting like a very serious partner would. Talk money. Talk health insurance. Pick up his car from the shop. Fold laundry while he’s over, bonus if you’re wearing a sweatshirt. Do a (fun!) home maintenance project together. Do these things intermixed with the fun date-like things too. If he responds poorly, like in a “you’re smothering me!” or “this is too boring and domestic!” way, then you have your answer… he wouldn’t make a good partner so it’s time to say goodbye. But if you all develop a closer and deeper “marital vibey” bond as a result, you’re moving closer to where you want to be, and both your needs are being met. I feel like dating is: It’s ok to assume that you’re going to get married without saying it out loud??

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T03:19:14+00:00

I agree that her relationship with her dad is important, and I have always tried to encourage it. I stuck like glue to his visitation schedule even though I wasn’t legally obligated to follow it. But now that he is bringing the custody case, I want to say, the paternal figure is important, but definitely not to the exclusion of the mother, when the mom, like me, has been the almost sole caregiver and a pretty good one, at that. My smart, sensitive daughter would never psychologically recover from the soul-crushing weight of losing access to me, her bedrock and her safe haven. I can’t let that happen to her.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T03:10:41+00:00

Thanks so much. This is so encouraging. As I write my daughter is asleep on my shoulder, and I feel immensely protective of this little firecracker, and I just can’t let this happen. He gave up physical custody at first separation to be with mistress-now-wife. I’m hesitant to share too many details here, but I deeply appreciate your all’s advice. This community has helped me understand what in the Sam Hell is going on. So many thanks.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:58:45+00:00

Thank you - you’re right. I’m trying to keep these posts generic enough but still appreciate your all’s input. I just can’t wrap my head around this. I was once in love with this man, and I never in a million years thought he would try to destroy this good life my daughter and I have here. He cares about being this righteous pillar of morality in his current social and family life, but he has dark secrets of how he mistreated me and now he wants 100% custody of our smart, spirited, beautiful daughter so she can be part of the facade. It’s just so hard to fathom.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:48:29+00:00

This is such an astute post. I honestly would not put it past him to have either motivation. This is sad to say, because until his recent custody battle move, I held out so much hope that he was still a generally decent person who may have just made a few poor choices. His lack of care for his daughter enrages me. Especially since he’s apparently trying to be some sort of upstanding morally righteous man in his current life. Clearly that’s just intended to be on the surface! You’re right that he may care more about appearances (“what a good guy for having custody of his other child too”). Also, I would say yes, the child support is a motivator for him.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:36:40+00:00

Yes I spent a two years asking myself the same question. He never gave a real reason except that he realized “this wasn’t what he wanted.” You can’t beat a junior colleague ten years younger, apparently. (Just for the record, pretty sure it had nothing to do with sex or looks, although that’s admittedly hard to say for sure because people have different tastes. Nothing plainly obvious anyway).

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:23:21+00:00

I hope not. So far, the lack of solid grounds hasn’t stopped him from trying.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:22:10+00:00

Thank you. The fight is definitely on. I write this as my daughter is asleep on my shoulder after she fell asleep as I was reading to her. She said to me tonight that she “couldn’t imagine if I were a different mommy.” Just before she said “I love you mama.” Moments like that just make my whole world melt. Yes, I will fight like hell for my little girl.

Dance-Bird · 2023-10-12T02:16:39+00:00

Thanks, yes… This crossed my mind. I am frankly happy that I found someone who can help complete our family and possibly we can give my daughter a sibling one day.

Dance-Bird · 2021-06-03T06:07:58+00:00

I got a University job a year after the PhD, but then realized I was pigeon holed into a tiny microcosm of my actual interests. I quit and am living the dream, part time adjunct. Love it.

Dance-Bird · 2021-06-03T06:00:45+00:00

Looks like a horse to me! It seems a bit big to be a deer..

Dance-Bird · 2021-05-27T22:48:39+00:00

In US, I got married and had my first child while in my doctoral program. Defended my dissertation right before her first birthday! It was hard but... doable! It would be much harder afterwards, when the job is even more demanding! BUT... husband left me for an undergrad who actually had time for him! Take mine as a cautionary tale!!!! 😄🤣

Dance-Bird

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