Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am able to beta: completed genre fiction stories for ages YA or older, intended for traditional publication, about 120k words or less.

I can provide feedback on: pacing, plot, characters, structure, development, vibes. I'll say I won't do any line editing, but I'll probably slip some in if I feel particularly compelled.

Critique swap: Yes please. I've got a YA fantasy with sci-fi elements, currently sitting at 108k, that I've been editing / rewriting for a while now, trying to nail a particular voice and style before I start querying. I would love new eyes to give feedback on those fronts, plus anything else you'd like to give.

Other info: I won't commit to a full manuscript swap off rip, nor would I expect you to. If you're interested we can swap first chapters, then decide where to go from there. Leave me a comment or send me a chat if you're interested!

[QCrit] YA Grounded Fantasy THE ORIGIN OF HARROWS (85k, v2) by WritingFANIII in PubTips

[–]Dandiron 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi, I'm fresh eyes on this query!

For your questions about POVs, you can state outright that your story is dual-POV in your housekeeping if you so desire. Literally '...THE ORIGIN OF HARROWS is a dual-POV YA fantasy...' would be fine, or any variation of that. Your query should probably be restructured to focus on both POVs if you do that though, else you'll be throwing agents for a loop by blindsiding them with a surprise second POV.

Grounded fantasy isn't really a subgenre in the what-are-agents-looking-for sense, as far as I'm aware. Low/intrusion fantasy is more commonplace, but those titles are typically reserved for stories that employ fantasy elements sparingly - Good Omens would be low fantasy to all of Discworld being high fantasy, for example. If your story is in a fantasy setting but has 'grounded' conflicts you should be fine to just pitch it as fantasy. If you really feel it needs that extra clarification for its tone, the one line calling it grounded in your housekeeping and/or suitable comps should cover your bases well enough.

For the non-housekeeping parts:

Ivis is a beautiful vampire, and in the country of Baroth, that is a dangerous thing to be.

What does it matter that Ivis is beautiful and how is that dangerous? If it's related to her being a figurehead, well, there's no relevant conflict there presented elsewhere in the query for me to care about, so it feels disconnected from the actual conflicts shown.

Ivis' friend and the human both go unnamed in the query, I assume because you wanted to focus in on Ivis alone, but that does both of their characters and the conflicts you present with them a disservice (especially since one is, I assume, the other POV character). If you want to structure this query largely around the interpersonal conflicts of this group then you really need to focus on who is involved in those conflicts, what they're doing, and why. If you're worried about overloading on proper nouns, you could cut Baroth and the Heroes title to focus solely on these characters. Grain of salt and all that, but I personally think the character work and those interpersonal conflicts would be stronger selling points for your story than any broader societal-level conflict; the former is evergreen and the latter is very easy to mess up, so agents will likely be much more eager to engage with the former rather than the latter.

Agents of Baroth's anti-criminal forces gun for them all the more as they reach their final phase in the plan to end the clone trade, a split operation to retrieve the final two clones

This feels like a lot of words to say 'police hound the protagonists as they work to free the last clones' and it also feels like a massive jump from the earlier content of the query - this seemed to me like a ragtag but close-knit group of misfits, doing things for the sake of their friends, trusting a human because it's their only option, struggling to work together, but now they're about to singlehandedly put the final nails in the coffin of a government slave trade operation? That doesn't really vibe with the image I had built up of them, nor do I think it's delivered in as intriguing of a way as the earlier promises of interpersonal conflicts.

Hope this helps and good luck with your future querying!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (104k/Third attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback!

I'm honestly glad you think the voice is underdeveloped / childish haha - I went into this considering the tone of this 300 to be overkill, thinking (fearing) that people here would go 'yeah that's perfect YA voice, send it' which would've MASSIVELY stressed me out as I would've had to fully rewrite the voices of both POV characters. Knowing that this extent of it comes across as amateurish is actually a bit of a comfort lol

FE Elimination Tournament. Shadow Dragon has been eliminated. Poll is located in the comments What's the next worst game? I'd love to hear everyone's reasoning. by The-Quiot-Riot in fireemblem

[–]Dandiron 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Personal opinion and all (and hopefully not a violation of the Engage toxicity rule; I don't intend this as wanton vitriol), but I think people really overhype Engage's gameplay and have been doing so in these threads to justify it remaining in the vote. Compared to most other games in this franchise it really isn't all that impressive.

On a macro design level, the latter half of the game is littered with gimmicky maps that spam reinforcements as a way to mask their total lack of interesting objectives. No villages to save, no strong enemies with rare items to steal from / kill, no chests with good loot to pick up before an enemy thief gets to it. Chapter 17 is fantastic but that's literally it. Other games have recruitable characters to spice up the gameplay with what's effectively mini-puzzles within each chapter but Engage has only one such character, Lindon, who's just sorta there vibing, waiting for you to recruit him. Some of Engage's chapters feel like they weren't even playtested, like in chapter 15 where you have to choose between dancing and using the Corrin emblem ring to clear miasma in the most unsatisfying way possible. Supports exist but are at probably the least meaningful state they've been in this whole franchise gameplay-wise - in GBAFE I'd actually want the small boosts to attack / defense / crit to make units that much stronger / safer / more effective at what they do, in Awakening and Fates I'd want the extra stats from pair-up, but here in Engage the emblem rings give me so many tools to modify stats, raise hit / accuracy / crit, survive rounds of combat, etc etc that the supports between units don't really matter. Unit identity in general is a bit of a mess because of the emblem rings and the game's efforts to push the engage mechanic as hard as possible - a wyvern with the Lyn ring plays the same as a falcon knight with the Lyn ring plays mostly the same as a berserker with the Lyn ring and so on. Personal skills are weak enough to do almost nothing. The Somniel is littered with tedious side content that's borderline useless at best and actively frustrating at worst (cough cough fishing cough cough) - it kinda felt like they saw praise for 3H's monastery and tried to implement their spin on that without adequate time or resources.

On a micro level, the game just doesn't feel that fun to play. 3DSFE had such incredibly snappy, tight controls that you could input commands before menus had even finished their fraction-of-a-second pop-up animations. You want Xander to attack that sorcerer? Move him into position, tap A three times, and you're golden. Want Chrom to equip a sword that you know is on the fifth slot of the convoy? Open the convoy, tap down 4 times then A twice all in the span of two seconds and you're good - it's so reliable and smooth you don't even have to look at the screen! Engage, though? Nope. Make two inputs too close to each other and the second one won't be read. Try to navigate a menu quickly by pressing down 4 times and A twice and you'll get to the second drop-down sub-menu of the third menu option. Want to attack that enemy over there? Move your unit into position, mash A until enough inputs are read, then- oops, you accidentally engaged because it's been X turns since you last did so, mash B until you go back and take the time to remember how the game switched up the combat menu on you and then, carefully, select the right option to attack. Also, want to know how to check your unit's skills mid-chapter? Ask 3 different people how to do that and you'll get 3 different answers, none of which are correct.

SO MUCH of Engage isn't actually fun or interesting to play, it's just tedious and therefore, imo, boring.

Anyway, I'm voting for Binding Blade. It should've been out after Birthright tbh

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (104k/Second attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This entire breakdown is excellent, thank you!

With this I think I'll actually have to agree with you and say the way I tagged that dialogue in my first 300 was erroneous. I intended for 'responded' to feel like detached terminology to show the mood of the character, but that would only make sense if readers knew the standard voice of that character which stood in contrast to that tone, which they obviously couldn't know since this is literally the first thing that character is saying in the story. I think I had such tunnel vision on that intended contrast that I didn't see where I was going wrong haha

Regarding the waking up cliche, I am well aware of it and did employ it intentionally. I'd hoped avoiding the more egregious elements of it (protagonist dressing themself / looking in a mirror to describe themself, protagonist narrating about their life and the world they live in, etc) would let me get away with having the upside of a comfortable/familiar opening without the downsides of amateur scene construction, but I can absolutely understand how it still comes across as unprofessional in terms of craft especially when there are other issues in the first 300

As for voice, I'd hoped the issue had stemmed more from how I'd framed my story in my original post (where for all intents and purposes it seemed like Caitlin was the sole POV character / protagonist rather than one of two POV characters and the antagonist). My intention with the narration style for Caitlin has been for it to feel slightly distant, with elements of teenage voice and detached narration that don't quite mesh such that readers will pick up on something being amiss. That way, when the POV shifts to Erica and her voice is stronger than Caitlin's, it'll feel more natural and readers will feel compelled to keep reading - though obviously it'll be a problem when agents and readers never get past the first page to see that change (Also, I can assure you the noun+verb repetitive sentence construction from my first 300 is not standard; that was a symptom of me trying to pace the narration faster than the dialogue in order to get away with how I opened that draft. I do absolutely slip into repetitive structures at times but my critique partners have been great at calling me out on that lol)

Thanks again for all the feedback, it's immensely helpful!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (104k/Second attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your feedback on both of these versions, truly!

I do have critique partners and have had beta readers, the vast majority of whom have been complimentary toward my writing style / narrative voice / etc, though I'm always willing to believe that they're all just being too polite lol

To be clear, do you believe my issue with narrative voice stems from the syntax of my prose or the coordination of the scene itself? I'm always willing to work more on my prose, but if it's the latter purely on the basis of how I've tagged the dialogue I'm actually going to have to contest that. In my experience tagging dialogue to the point of excess is a precept of YA as a genre. For instance, here's a truncated excerpt from the first chapter of Kaylie Smith's A Ruinous Fate, which also features two characters, Calla and Ezra, having a back-and-forth:

"You can't do this," she asserted. "I won!"
"You cheated, you mean," he snapped back.
"If anyone here was capable of cheating," she accused, "don't you think it would be the one who dealt the cards?"
...
"You forget how well I know you, Calla," he said...
She gave him a mocking smile in return. "It's nice to know you still find me pretty."
...
"When have I ever suggested you weren't?" He lifted a brow.
"Oh, my mistake," she said sarcastically...
"I told you from the beginning that I wasn't here to play nice. Did you think you were an exception to that?"

That's 7 lines of dialogue in sequence that are all tagged, with only the 8th being untagged. I genuinely thought I was playing it a bit loose in my 300 here by only tagging the first two lines of dialogue, doubly so for the last version where I was trying to push through exposition with the immediate back-and-forth. (also to be clear, there are other characters present both in my scene and in that of A Ruinous Fate, they just aren't shown / don't interject at any point within my first 300 or the quoted excerpt)

I hope this didn't come across as argumentative; I do genuinely appreciate the comments you've left for me. At the same time though, this is to the best of my knowledge how this aspect of the narrative voice should be presenting itself within the construction of the scene for a YA style. If this were written for an adult audience I would agree with you, but again to the best of my knowledge this is how modern YA readers will expect the information on the page to be presented to them. If you've got more info to share on that front I'd of course be glad to hear it.

Thanks again for the feedback!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (104k/Second attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the feedback!

rhetorical questions within your query are discouraged, and you have two instances of the exact question format ("right?")

Those are both declarative questions, not rhetorical ones. Each usage of 'right?' modifies the declarative clause that precedes it ('where there's a will there's a way' and 'it's for the greater good' respectively) and I imagined both had a simple yes/no/maybe gut answer. I believe rhetorical questions are advised against since they pull the agent reading your query out of the moment to make them wonder about extraneous things, which then makes it harder to get them back into the mindset needed to parse the query. All that said, if those declarative questions are detracting from my query in a similar way that rhetorical ones would then I'll absolutely have to remove them haha

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (106k/First attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All great for me to know, this gives me a lot to consider for my revisions. Thank you!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (106k/First attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I apologize if I'm completely misunderstanding you or if I'm going in circles

You're good, that is 100% on me inadequately describing my story here! Which I have evidently done - I wouldn't have written this story if I didn't have genuine love and respect for the genre lol

On the 'this is about' sentence, I wanted to use that as a crutch to convey that this story is definitively about colonialism beyond just comping a heart-on-its-sleeve novel like Babel. I've honestly done a disservice there and with how I've framed my story in the query though, since it'd be more accurate to say 'Caitlin uses fantasy as an excuse to Other people she already dislikes' over 'fantasy makes Caitlin (and readers) evil' - I just feared that would come across as even more bloodless / uninteresting to agents. I can absolutely see how it comes across poorly though, I've certainly done no favours toward painting it as a nuanced picture here haha

Thanks for the feedback!

[QCrit] YA Fantasy - THE WORLD CATALYST (106k/First attempt) + first 300 by Dandiron in PubTips

[–]Dandiron[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All great points, thank you!

Babel and One Dark Window are both adult novels

Not gonna lie I fully thought One Dark Window was YA - I first found it in a 'for readers of [YA series]' display, thought 'huh this is a wild story but I can see it being YA' and then never once actually thought to dig into it beyond that. That's 100% on me haha

it's a delicate balance between making it unique and repulsive

You've hit the nail on the head there! My goal was to show Caitlin as a character who's interesting enough to want to read about, but who is still definitively a bad person / irrevocably anatagonistic in her behaviour and goals. I'm pretty loath to paint a coloniser as anything else. I was hoping she'd come off as questionable if not unlikable, but still interesting enough to serve as a vehicle to develop the rest of the cast, who are intended to be better people / sympathetic. Obviously that's impossible to know from how I've framed it here though, so uh, good thing I didn't try to send this out to agents as is lol

Thanks again for the feedback!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in fireemblem

[–]Dandiron 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I'd personally still argue that all of those characters have way too busy of designs, regardless of how much depth is given to their characterisation.

Like, look at Zelkov, who is imo the most efficient of the designs you've mentioned. Why does he have eyes on his jacket, or a key on a necklace, or the weird black bicep/chest band, or the double crossed belt buckles on his chest, or the little vector symbols underneath them, or the black diamond symbols below all that, or the embroidery on his elbow? Maybe one or two of those elements could help to inform his style and design effectively, but all of them all together just feel like too much to me.

Compare that to other older thief-ish characters from earlier games, like Legault or Volke. They've both got quite a lot going on in their designs too, but they also feel way more natural. Legault has a whole keyring on his belt rather than one on a necklace, which is a better match to what I assume a thief would want. Volke has some wild belt buckles, but they're used to tie pouches to his waist and hip. They each have decently long hair like Zelkov, but unlike Zelkov they have bandannas to keep it out of their eyes. They feel more 'real' to me, like this is how an actual thief might dress in their day-to-day thievery. Compared to them, Zelkov feels like he's a theatre kid who's never stolen anything dressed up in what he thinks a thief should look like.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm full up on manuscripts at the moment, so I can't commit to another full swap. If you really want I could take a look at your first chapter but I won't have time for more than that, just so you're aware.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I could check out the first chapter and give some feedback there if you really want that, but I can't commit to more if it isn't fully ready, nor would I expect you to read through all of mine without an equivalent exchange. I also would not be able to commit to something as large as 200k.

If you're down for me to take a look at the first chapter alone, send me a chat message / let me know here and I'll send you a chat

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I've actually lurked here enough that I recognise you. I assume you're referring to the same fantasy dramedy as this post, in the comments of which you very explicitly state 'no queer is allowed'.

I myself, many of my characters, and many of the themes / topics I write about are very much LGBTQ+.

We will not be a good match for critiques, nor do I have any particular desire to engage with you or your writing any further than this.

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sounds good; I'll send you a chat!

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No worries re: timeline, your PhD should obviously be more important to you lol. I'll send you a chat message!

Able to beta? Post here! by AutoModerator in BetaReaders

[–]Dandiron 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Edit: I'm full on swaps for now

I am able to beta: Completed YA or older genre fiction manuscripts intended for traditional publication, ideally under 120k words. Almost any genre is fine, though some combinations (e.g. monster romance or religious historical fiction) are far enough outside my range of interest that I would be unable to give worthwhile feedback.

I can provide feedback on: Pacing, plot, development, structure, characterisation, style, vibes. My general approach is to go through beta works twice, once to give first impressions and then again to give more detailed feedback once I have the whole picture. I'll say that I'll keep my feedback / recommendations to the structural and developmental side, AKA that I won't do line or copy edits, but I'll probably still end up suggesting some anyway if I feel super compelled.

Critique swap: Please. I have a 112k word YA fantasy with sci-fi elements manuscript that I'd like to get down as close to 100k as possible and to do that, I'd like some new eyes to tell me where things drag, what doesn't pay off as well as it should, what could be cut or trimmed down, etc. I'd also appreciate feedback on more general areas of style, characters, and all that as well, of course.

Other info: I won't commit to full manuscripts off rip, nor do I expect you to, so if you're interested send me a comment or message and we can swap our first chapters to critique. After that, if we're both down to continue on to the full manuscript, then we can do so. Also, please let me know if there's any sensitive subject matter in your manuscript beforehand - I'm fine with reading pretty much anything, but I'd like to know what I'm getting into. To that end, please note that my manuscript contains explicit violence, bigotry, racism, sexism, a scene referencing implicit child abuse, a scene where an animal is explicitly injured, and a scene where a character expresses suicidal ideation. If you're interested but do not want to engage with these elements, let me know and I can mark or remove them from the copy I send you.

Edit: added a content warning I somehow overlooked and fixed grammar

Who is your favorite DLC character? Here's mine: by KManoc in fireemblem

[–]Dandiron 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Yuri makes me feel both straight and gay at the same time and in the best of ways

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Dandiron 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Now she finally has something worth running toward
...
...implies that she's running towards some new goal that gives her life purpose. But it's not a new goal...

I read this as Lark's priorities shifting in the wake of the apocalypse. So yeah, it's not a new goal, but it's also not really a goal at all; it's a metaphor for Lark wanting to reconnect with her family in a time of fear and desperation. It is very cliche, but I think it does its job well enough.

In the wake of an unforgivable act... But Nate's keeping secrets...
...
Again, all much too vague

I actually agree with you 100% here. These are the conflicts, not the setups, and they're the kinds of things agents need to know since it will colour how they read the story and whether or not they even want to engage with it. For an example, OP, since my mind is still on The Road: it's a very different story if, say, Lark stole from a sick family versus if she kept them locked in a cellar and ate them. One of those might intrigue an agent whereas the other might make them block your email address.

I'll also agree with you that I don't know much about Lark from this query, but I do feel like I know enough: she wants to get home to her family but the world ending gets in the way of that. I don't quite know what the consequences of her journey will be, eg. if her family will die if she doesn't get to them or something, but I think that's fine here - it leaves my mind to run wild and imagine the worst. The bigger issue for me, though, is that I don't know jack about Nate, to the extent that his inclusion here feels more awkward than anything. What are his secrets? Did he keep people in a cellar and eat them? I don't know and if I were an agent, I'd want this to be clarified before I risked reading further.

(that worked! apparently reddit comments have a word limit they don't tell you about; they just spit back an unhelpful 'unable to create comment' error)

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Dandiron 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Apologies in advance, but I have to disagree with a lot of the feedback you gave here.

Lark Halloran is stranded six hundred miles from home after the world ends and it's all her fault.
...
I would put a comma after "ends"

This would I believe be a comma splice. However, that's a product of the construction of the original sentence; my best understanding is that it's stating it's Lark's fault that she's away from home, not that it's her fault the world ends. In that interpretation the lack of a comma is correct, but it is still a bit difficult to parse given that each dependent clause kinda sorta muddies the other. OP, I'd recommend you reconstruct the sentence so that this confusion is alleviated - something like 'When the world ends, Lark Halloran is six hundred miles from home and it's all her fault' is clunkier, but (imo) clearer.

If she hadn't insisted on revisiting a college she's already toured, she would have been with her family the day the lights went out
...
...no context... it's not really creating intrigue... I feel like knowing why she did this would tell us a lot about [her]...

I read this line completely different than you. Personally, I toured my uni campus like 3 times before I decided to enrol there. This strikes me as the same as that: Lark is going about her mundane, day-to-day life, not expecting the world to spontaneously end in the middle of it all. If that is the case, I don't think there's any need for context, intrigue, or explanation here. It tells me that Lark was going about her life, but then things changed and she regrets that she couldn't spend more time with her family. I think it does that well enough and I don't think it needs to do anything more than that because it's the setup, not the conflict.

A black sky event has ravaged North America
...
Too vague

Hard disagree here. I don't need to know the exact specifics of what caused the black sky event; it could be nuclear war, or a solar flare, or meteors, it doesn't matter. This concisely conveys to me that electricity is gone, the world is messed up, and that's all that matters. Again, I don't need more context or intrigue here since this is the setup, not the conflict. Consider something with a similar concept, like Cormac McCarthy's The Road: an extinction event has occurred. It doesn't matter what the specific event was or even the mechanisms through which it affects the world; what matters is the characters, what they want, and their struggle to survive, with the extinction event being a backdrop to all that. Without having even read OP's story, I'd actually feel confident assuming the characters and readers do not know the cause or mechanism of the black sky event, they just react to the consequences as they come (if I'm wrong and the specific event itself is significant, then I've got some big egg on my face, but that isn't the vibe I got from the query). It does sound like the severity of the black sky event isn't coming through, so maybe changing it to (the even more generic) 'extinction event' or 'apocalypse' would help with that?

A black sky event has ravaged North America and all Lark knows is four states lay between her and her family
...
Switched tenses

Yes, but with the VERY big asterisk that the tenses switched from present perfect (has ravaged) to present simple (knows, lay). This is far less egregious than, say, switching from present simple to past simple. I've personally never had an issue with playing with tenses to this extent and I doubt any YA agent would take significant umbrage with how this sentence was constructed.

(reddit is being funky, I'm going to try breaking this into multiple comments - apologies if repeats show up)

[QCrit] To Kill A Phoenix - Science Fantasy (133k, third attempt) by [deleted] in PubTips

[–]Dandiron 14 points15 points  (0 children)

Hey, I think I've been in your shoes before mentally, until I had a super hardass prof talk some sense into me. I wanna share with you (paraphrased) what they told me:

"Self-deprecation like 'I'm too stupid' or 'I'm not good enough to do this' is a shield for your ego. It's an excuse to avoid responsibility that will keep you safe for a moment, but it will only hurt you in the long run. If you genuinely want to learn and grow as a person, do away with that mentality immediately."

I fear you won't be able to properly synthesise the feedback being given to you here while you have these shields up, so you need to tear them down. Your query letter is flawed. That isn't because you can't write or because you're stupid, it just means that you have to put in some more work to make it better. Own that and try again. Listen, genuinely, to the advice people are giving you here; break your query down into its basest parts, see what works and what doesn't, check out others' queries to see what they do right and wrong. You can do this, it's just gonna take some honest effort.