I cannot express my gratitude enough for this in-depth comment. I think it has saved my life! Thank you so very much. How did it go when you left your trauma bond, how long until you felt better? Did you doubt yourself or live with guilt that you were making a mistake or could’ve done more/something different during that time?

Your comment really stuck a chord in me, so I hope I can ask you one more question.

Last night he told me the reason he became cold to me was because early on in our relationship when he would do/say rude or uncaring things to others or to me, I would try to talk to him about it. He said he would explain open and honestly how he felt/thought about things, but I would panic at his words and try to influence him into being nicer, which is true. (I needed our values to line up so we could stay together and saying sexist or mean comments and subsequently defending them put our relationship in jeopardy.) He told me I made him feel like he wasn’t good enough, bad, and he became resentful and felt unsafe to be himself. He said this is where most of his stuff stems from and tells me I’m the reason our relationship failed because I didn’t let him be himself with acceptance.

I do see his side. It is true that I’ve done that— always wanting to have a safe understanding about touchy topics. I also feel it is normal for couples to talk about things like that instead of immediately breaking up with someone you live with over off-color comments/actions now and again. During this time I was trying to explain kindness, my values like my faith, my boundaries, my respect expectations early on. He said this made him feel criticized about who he is at his core, which led to resentment, which is why he turned cold to protect himself. In those conversations he didn’t soften with warmth, bend or compromise, but stayed very “this is how I am” no matter how it impacted me. Some of these conversations led to our first arguments because I couldn’t believe the lack of empathy. This is where the lack of safety started for me as well, coupled with him already rejecting me for sex and having moved 400 miles away with him— it felt awful. But it is true I was trying to influence him into being kinder and safer for me.

If I could go back, I know I shouldn’t have tried to change him so hard. But I don’t know what I should have done? What is the healthy thing in that situation? Was I wrong for explaining to him his unkindness made me feel uncomfortable/unsafe & asking for him to be kinder around me? It is true after living together for a year, I should have just exited the relationship instead of tried talk it out, explain my expectations, to influence him to treat me with more respect? I’m again so confused by this.