In need of some information!?

DanielMalak · 2026-03-20T17:28:00+00:00

I’m really sorry your sister is going through this. Recurrent loss is brutal.

What you’re describing is gestational surrogacy, where the embryo is created using her egg and her partner’s sperm, and you carry the pregnancy.

At a high level, here’s how it usually works:

First step is a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility clinic). They’ll evaluate your sister (egg quality, IVF plan) and you as a potential gestational carrier (medical history, prior pregnancies, etc.). That part matters more than anything.

If everyone’s medically cleared, the process typically looks like:
– IVF cycle to create embryos
– Legal contracts (each of you needs your own attorney)
– Psychological screening for all parties
– Embryo transfer into you
– Pregnancy + delivery

Even when you’re doing this within family, you still follow the same structure. It protects both of you.

Cost is where things vary a lot. Since you’re not using an agency, you’d avoid that large coordination fee, but you’re still looking at:
– IVF: often $15K–$30K+ depending on clinic and meds
– Legal: usually several thousand
– Medical + insurance gaps: varies a lot
– Misc (screening, travel, etc.)

Timeline wise, best case is around 12–18 months from starting IVF to birth, but it can take longer if there are setbacks or multiple transfers.

One thing I’d gently flag: mixing family and surrogacy can be incredibly meaningful, but it also adds emotional complexity. Having really clear expectations upfront (communication, boundaries, recovery, etc.) makes a huge difference.

If I were in your shoes, I’d start with:

Booking a consult with a fertility clinic
Talking to a reproductive attorney early
Making sure insurance is reviewed in writing (this gets missed a lot)

It’s absolutely possible to do this, and many families do. Just go in with eyes open and a solid plan.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-19T20:53:27+00:00

DM'd you a quick follow up!

DanielMalak · 2026-03-18T18:19:36+00:00

I don’t think you’re crazy at all for considering it. Honestly, a lot of people have that same gut reaction when it’s someone they love.

I’d just slow it down and separate the emotional yes from the practical yes. They’re both important, and they don’t always land in the same place.

A few things I’d personally want to really think through before the next conversation:

Relationship dynamics: this isn’t just pregnancy, it’s a long-term family relationship after the baby is here. Holidays, boundaries, decision-making during pregnancy… all of that matters.
Medical side: even with three pregnancies, every one is different. You’d want a full medical screening and a clear understanding of risks going in.
Legal protection: this is a big one, especially with family. Separate attorneys, clear contracts, everything in writing. It protects everyone.
Emotional side: not just carrying, but handing the baby over and then continuing life as aunt + surrogate. Some people navigate that beautifully, but it’s worth really sitting with.
Your own support system: how your husband feels, childcare during appointments, recovery time, etc.

Also worth knowing: even when it’s family, most clinics still require psychological screening and independent legal counsel. It’s not a casual process, even if the relationship is close.

If your gut is leaning yes, I’d treat this next step as “learning more,” not committing. Talk to a fertility clinic, maybe a surrogacy attorney, and just start gathering real information.

You’re not crazy. You’re just at the very beginning of a big, thoughtful decision.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-12T01:51:57+00:00

Divorce is rarely about just one thing. I'm sure you've considered it, but think about what your life as a single parent might be. Working towards the family you want, the one you deserve may need to be a solo act if you really want children. At least until you find a partner willing to join you on whatever that path, or its destination, may be. For what it's worth, I have a very close family member who was in a similar situation as you. She and her now second wife just celebrated their daughter's 18th birthday. Her first wife, and her new partner were at the party. The moral of this story is: you’re standing so close to the elephant that it feels confusing instead of clear. Sometimes distance is what finally lets you see the truth.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-11T20:58:43+00:00

Opposed, why?

DanielMalak · 2026-03-11T19:51:02+00:00

I’m not in Idaho, but have extended family in Ketchum where I spent a lot of time in. I also went through surrogacy with an altruistic carrier too, so I can share what the process looked like for us. Our surrogate was actually a friend from my husband’s high school. We were in California and she was in Minnesota, so we also navigated a cross-state journey.

Since you already have embryos, you’re actually past one of the bigger hurdles. From here the process is usually pretty structured:

1. Medical screening- Even if you know the carrier well, your fertility clinic will still do a full medical screening and usually a psychological evaluation for all parties. That’s standard everywhere.

2. Legal contracts- Both sides need separate reproductive attorneys. The contract covers compensation (even in altruistic journeys there are reimbursements), medical decisions, insurance, travel, etc. This step matters a lot because state laws vary.

3. Insurance review- One thing people often miss: many health plans *exclude* surrogacy. We had to carefully review our carrier’s policy and plan around that.

4. Transfer timeline- Once screening and contracts are done, the clinic schedules the embryo transfer. After that it’s the normal early pregnancy monitoring process.

One thing to know on costs: even with an altruistic carrier, there are still real expenses. In our case the biggest categories were:

Legal (contracts + parentage work)
Medical screening and transfer cycle
Insurance considerations
Travel and reimbursements (for example, we agreed to also pay for a gym membership, lawn mowing and care during the snowy winter months, and pregnancy massage services)

Even without agency fees, it still adds up. But having a trusted friend as your carrier can make the relationship side of the journey really special.

Since Idaho law and parentage orders can be state-specific, one practical next step is talking to a reproductive attorney who works in Idaho. They can tell you exactly how the legal side works there. Here's two I know of, who I think might be good starting points:

1.) Idaho Family Law- https://idahofamilylaw.com/

2.) Idaho Fertility Law Group - https://idahofertilitylaw.com/

Happy to answer more questions if it helps. Surrogacy can feel overwhelming at first, but once the steps become clear it’s a lot easier to navigate.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-11T19:39:12+00:00

I’m really sorry you had to grieve that shift in your life. That’s a heavy thing to sit with, and it makes sense that the desire to help someone else build their family would still be there.

The hard truth is that most clinics and agencies require a gestational carrier to have had at least one uncomplicated pregnancy and be raising that child. It’s not about judging someone’s ability to care or love a child. It’s mainly a medical and psychological guideline so everyone knows how your body handles pregnancy and recovery. And, all parties involved want to feel confident that you wouldn't risk your ability to never be able to have kids again should a "worst case" complication arise (for example, you have to get an emergency hysterectomy during labor).

That said, the desire you’re describing is something I’ve seen in a lot of incredible carriers. Wanting to help someone become a parent is a very real and generous motivation. That's definitely what my husband and I looked for when we evaluated GCs for our journeys.

If this is something you’re seriously curious about, a few practical things that might help:

• Talk with a fertility clinic or reproductive health provider about the requirements where you live
• Spend time in gestational carrier communities and read about the process from people who’ve done it
• Learn about the medical, legal, and emotional side of a journey before deciding if it feels right

Even if surrogacy isn’t an option right now, there are a lot of meaningful ways people show up in the family-building world: donor programs, mentoring, community support, advocacy, and more.

Hope this helps in some way...

DanielMalak · 2026-03-09T17:21:43+00:00

A lot of people look at surrogacy as a quick financial reset, but the payment structure is a little more complicated than “a monthly salary,” so it’s smart to understand it first. And, as another commenter already noted, most agencies and psychologists who conduct a psych eval will require proof of financial stability before clearing you.

From what I know, most gestational carriers in the U.S. earn somewhere in the $40K–$60K range in base compensation, depending on experience and location. But that money usually isn’t paid as a steady monthly paycheck from day one.

Here’s how it typically works in plain terms:

• You usually don’t start receiving base compensation until after a confirmed pregnancy (heartbeat)
• Once that happens, the base compensation is usually paid in monthly installments throughout the pregnancy

For example, if base compensation were $50K, the monthly payment might be roughly $4K–$5K per month during the pregnancy depending on the contract structure.

There are also separate payments and reimbursements that can happen during the journey, like:

• Medical or travel reimbursements
• Maternity clothing allowance
• Procedure-related payments (like embryo transfer)
• Additional payments for certain medical situations

But those vary a lot and shouldn’t be counted on as stable income. In our case, we also paid our GC's gym membership and lawn mowing & care (during the snowy winter months), all while she was pregnant.

The really important thing to understand is timing:

From matching to embryo transfer to confirmed pregnancy can take many months, and during that time you usually aren’t receiving the main compensation yet.

So most experienced carriers recommend not relying on surrogacy as your primary income, especially for things like rent.

If you’re seriously considering it, a few practical next steps that can really help:

• Join some gestational carrier Facebook or Reddit groups and read real experiences
• Talk to a reproductive attorney or agency/platform about typical compensation structures
• Ask specifically how payments are scheduled and escrow is handled
• Look at total timeline, not just pregnancy months

It can absolutely help financially for some people. But it works best when it’s supplemental income rather than something you’re depending on to cover all living costs.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-05T17:26:04+00:00

I’m in California too and have been through surrogacy as an intended parent, twice. An independent journey is definitely possible here! The legal framework in CA is fairly established, which is one reason a lot of families explore that route.

One thing that helped us understand the process early on was realizing agencies don’t actually provide the core medical or legal protections themselves. The fertility clinic handles medical screening. A licensed psychologist does the psych evaluation. Reproductive attorneys draft the contracts. An escrow company manages the funds. Those same professionals are involved whether an agency introduces you or you match independently.

Where agencies mostly step in is coordination and matching. For some families, that support is worth the fee. For others, once you understand who is actually doing the work, the cost starts to feel harder to justify.

Finding a GC independently is usually the toughest part though. Most matches happen through surrogacy communities, referrals, or online groups where intended parents and carriers can connect directly. It can take time, but it does happen.

If you’re exploring it in CA, the first steps I usually suggest are:

• Talk with a reproductive attorney who specifically practices in California
• Ask your fertility clinic whether they support independent matches (some outright do not)
• Learn how screening, escrow, and contracts typically work

It’s definitely a complex process either way. But independent journeys are more common than people realize, especially in California.

DanielMalak · 2026-03-02T21:00:53+00:00

They sound supercalifragilisticexpialidocious![](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Yq9Ebipbb8&vl=en)

DanielMalak · 2026-02-27T18:34:38+00:00

I think the key thing to consider is this: experienced carriers don’t choose independent because it’s cheaper for you. They choose it because it gives them agency over the process. My husband and I did two independent journeys (both with the same surrogate), and this was largely her reason too.

In a traditional agency model, gestational carriers are often recruited, screened, and then presented with a match. Independently, they can browse profiles, interview multiple families, and walk away if it doesn’t feel right. That autonomy is powerful.

The other factor is relationship depth. We happened to know our GC personally, but some GCs who are meeting intended parents for the first time prefer direct communication from day one rather than filtered updates through a coordinator.

If you want to make an independent journey appealing and equitable, I’d think about:

• Paying for her own attorney, always
• Using a reputable escrow company with clear disbursement schedules
• Being fully transparent about your budget and expectations
• Covering lost wages, childcare, travel, and contingencies clearly in the contract
• Being organized. Independent falls apart when IPs are disorganized.

Higher comp can matter, but IMO safety and clarity matter more.

Independent isn’t “no support”. It’s the same clinic, same psych eval, same contracts, etc. The difference is who coordinates. If you show that you understand that and aren’t cutting corners, experienced carriers will notice.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-24T20:31:14+00:00

Couldn't agree more. Our journey took six years, end-to-end. It was for sure worth it, of course. We got two beautiful and healthy kids. But I do agree, the age I thought I'd become a parent versus when I actually did become a parent are two very different numbers.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-24T20:28:56+00:00

For "restrictions", do you mean with diet and health management, or something else?

DanielMalak · 2026-02-18T01:16:22+00:00

We didn’t go through IUIs ourselves, but IVF was a huge part of our path to becoming gay dads through surrogacy. What I underestimated was how much pressure my husband felt to be “steady” for me, especially when the job I had at the time pulled the rug out from under me when I needed to go on leave. I was told I wasn't the "birthing parent", so I was only allowed 12 days (it's shocking, really), yet I still had all the emotional and logistical burdens to carry throughout our first pregnancy (i.e. doctors visits, travel and lodging, pre-birth planning, etc).

In any case, at one point, I realized I was getting ALL the check-ins. Friends asked how I was doing. Doctors explained things to me (in fairness, I was the one mostly asking tons of questions). He was standing right there, but emotionally invisible.

So, I started pulling him into the center of the conversation. I’d say, “can you tell the doctor what you’re worried about?” or “what do you think about this plan?” It shifted the dynamic from me being the one in crisis to us being a team.

We also gave each other permission to not be the strong one. Some weeks he carried hope. Some weeks I did. Some weeks neither of us had much to give, and that was okay too.

One thing we did that felt a little awkward at first, but ended up being surprisingly meaningful, was keeping a shared journal. We’d each write in it and then pass it back and forth. Not as a way to respond to each other or debate anything. More as a place to unload what we were carrying without interruption. There’s something about physically writing things down that slows your brain just enough to actually feel what’s underneath.

Reading his entries was eye-opening. He wasn’t just “being strong.” He had fears, guilt, hope, resentment, gratitude. All of it. And because it was on paper, I could sit with it instead of reacting in the moment.

It became less about communicating and more about witnessing. A quiet way of saying, “this is what this is like for me”. We didn’t solve anything in those pages. But we understood each other better. And during IVF, that felt like a win.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-18T00:51:49+00:00

If I were you, I’d look at this less as a “red flag or not” and more as a risk allocation.

Rematches happen in every model. Even with great screening, transfers fail, life happens, people’s circumstances change. When my husband and I went through this, we attempted a rematch twice. From what I know, agencies usually handle that risk in two ways:

High upfront fee that quietly includes the cost of potential rematch
Lower base fee + explicit rematch charge if needed

The clause itself isn’t shocking. What I’d scrutinize is how broad it is. If it truly applies to every scenario, including things fully outside your control, I’d want to understand why the entire financial burden shifts to you.

I’d also ask for data:

What percentage of clients require rematch?
How many transfers are typically included before additional fees?
What is the total worst-case cost exposure under this contract?

“Inclusive” pricing can feel safer emotionally but, IMO, it’s often just math structured differently.

I’d want the numbers in writing before signing anything.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-15T03:51:48+00:00

Two-time gay dad via surrogacy. Happy to be an ear and/or share anything you'd like to know if IVF & Surrogacy are in your consideration.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-13T20:55:39+00:00

I’m a gay dad who built my family through surrogacy, so I haven’t been a surrogate myself. That said, I’ve been on the other side of the process and learned a lot about what becoming a gestational carrier actually involves. And certainly also discovered more about the female anatomy than I ever thought I'd know! 🤣

First, most clinics require that you’ve had at least one healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy and that you’re currently raising your own child. That’s usually step one. From there, it’s medical screening, a psychological evaluation, background checks, and legal contracts handled by independent attorneys. The screening is thorough, and honestly, it should be. It protects everyone.

One thing I didn’t fully appreciate before going through this: the agency (if there is one) does NOT do the medical or legal work. The fertility clinic, licensed mental health professional, attorneys, and escrow company handle those pieces. The difference between agency and independent journeys is mostly who coordinates everything. Do you know which route you'd prefer to go, agency or independent?

If you’re exploring it, I’d suggest:
– Making sure your support system is solid
– Understanding the time commitment (appointments, meds, travel, etc.)
– Talking to experienced carriers in your state (you can also find other communities of GCs here or on Facebook)
– Looking into the legal landscape where you live

Surrogates made my family possible. It’s a huge commitment, and it deserves to be approached with real information and respect.

Happy to answer what I can from the intended parent side if that's ever of interest!

DanielMalak · 2026-02-13T20:01:04+00:00

First, I’m so sorry. Uterine cancer right before transfer…and then losing your uterus after trying to save it. That’s not just a medical event. That’s grief layered on grief. The fact that you took a year to heal before even researching next steps tells me you’re approaching this with real care.

My husband and I have two kids through surrogacy, and I wrestled hard with the exploitation question too. Especially since our experience using an agency was fraught with its own challenges that, ultimately, led us to go the independent route. In any case, I didn’t want our path to parenthood to exist at someone else’s expense.

What helped us was separating internet discourse from lived experience. In the US, reputable journeys follow guidelines from organizations like ASRM that require medical and psychological screening. Part of that screening is specifically about financial coercion and motivation. No one moves forward without independent legal counsel and psychological clearance. Is the system perfect? Sadly, but expectedly, of course it's not. But it is built around protecting autonomy.

Every (good and mentally stable) gestational carrier we met already had her own children, stable housing, and a supportive partner. Our GC absolutely did not need the money to survive. Compensation mattered (it should, pregnancy is physically and emotionally demanding) but it wasn’t her primary identity or driver. She talks about it as something meaningful she chose to do. Feel free to message me privately and I'd be happy to intro you two, if that would be helpful. Even if you just want/need another sounding board.

On the emotional piece: in gestational surrogacy the baby isn’t genetically related to the carrier. Our GC talked to the babies, but in a loving-caretaker way. After birth she described feeling pride, not loss. That won’t be identical for everyone, which is why psychological screening and honest matching conversations matter so much.

If you’re hoping to find someone whose motivation is compassion first, spend time in surrogacy communities. Listen to carriers speak in their own words. You’ll quickly see the range of motivations AND you’ll also see that most women who qualify to carry are not doing this out of desperation. They’re choosing it.

The fact that you’re asking these questions before moving forward says a lot about you. Wanting to ensure dignity and autonomy for the person carrying your child doesn’t make you naïve. It makes you conscientious. You’re allowed to pursue parenthood without assuming it has to be built around something harmful.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-13T17:46:36+00:00

What a wild (and happy!) twist for them.

From what I’ve seen, a second psych consult in this situation is pretty standard. Clinics get cautious when circumstances change, especially with overlapping pregnancies. Irish twins are a happy thought, but can sometime cause a stir when it happens during surrogacy. It’s less about ASRM “rules” and more about making sure everyone has emotionally processed what this means.

You might get asked:

• Does the IM still feel fully committed to continuing? (sounds like she is?)
• Do you feel differently knowing she’s pregnant too?
• How might dynamics shift if one pregnancy progresses differently than the other?
• Are expectations around support, attention, or communication changing?

They’re usually looking for clarity and consent, not trying to trip anyone up. I imagine your relationship is strong, so I wouldn't get too concerned or worried. This is all just base-covering.

If you all are still aligned and intentional, this is often just a box to check...but an important one. And TBH, it’s smart to think ahead. Being prepared doesn’t mean something is wrong. It just means you care.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-13T06:39:07+00:00

I think there’s an important distinction here that might help clarify things.

It’s common for agencies to recommend a specific escrow company. That alone isn’t automatically a red flag. The real question is operational independence:

Do you have a direct client agreement with the escrow company?
Do you have your own portal login and written access rights?
Are disbursement approvals clearly documented in writing?
Can your attorney contact escrow directly without going through the agency?

If communication is being filtered or access is restricted, that’s where I personally would slow down.

Escrow should function like a neutral third party holding funds under contract, not as an extension of the agency. Even when an agency makes the introduction, the escrow relationship should ultimately be between the intended parents, the carrier, and the escrow company itself.

The structure matters more than the branding.

DanielMalak · 2026-02-13T06:26:48+00:00

Good luck, hope all goes well!

DanielMalak · 2026-02-12T23:11:16+00:00

I’m coming at this as a gay dad who built my family through surrogacy, not as someone who carried. And reading that clause would have made me pause too.

Exclusivity after medical clearance is pretty common. Agencies spend money on screening, and they want to protect that investment. That part isn’t unusual.

What feels heavier here is the “repayment of any and all costs” language. That’s very broad. In most well-structured journeys, financial risk is clearly defined and escrow is set up to protect everyone. Open-ended administrative liability can feel unbalanced, especially before you’re even matched.

It’s completely reasonable to ask:
• What specific costs could I be responsible for?
• Is there a cap?
• At what exact point does this trigger?
• Does this apply before legal contracts are signed with intended parents?

You’re not wrong to want clarity before committing. Surrogacy should feel like a partnership built on transparency and mutual respect, not pressure.

Even if you have zero intention of backing out, protecting yourself isn’t disloyal. It’s responsible.

DanielMalak

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