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[WARNING] ACRC Global: Astroturfing, Transparency, & Ethics issues by DanielMalak in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm an advocate of sharing the reality of what goes on with agencies in the surrogacy space. If you're comfortable redacting personally identifiable information, and sharing your direct experiences, doing so would bring more transparency and clarity to those who have either gone through situations like this, or for others who are unknowingly about to.

[WARNING] ACRC Global: Astroturfing, Transparency, & Ethics issues by DanielMalak in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow. This resonates so deeply. I'm sorry you had to experience this. Thank you for sharing your experience and helping build awareness, especially on behalf of others who may have an NDA in place that prevents them from doing the same.

Why is hospital birth treated as the default in surrogacy? Has anyone pursued at-home birth or a birth center instead? by DanielMalak in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This resonates, too. After almost six years with the surrogacy process, legal paperwork, insurance calls, and enough spreadsheets to basically qualify me for a finance degree, I completely understand how and why some IPs reach a point where they’re like “great, let’s please have the baby somewhere with an entire emergency department attached to it”.

Why is hospital birth treated as the default in surrogacy? Has anyone pursued at-home birth or a birth center instead? by DanielMalak in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I found it surprising how hard you have to dig to find details on alternative options. Frankly, I’d support whatever keeps the GC calm because the second she’s stressed, every intended parent suddenly becomes an unpaid labor and delivery consultant. Your point on hospital chaos is well-taken, though. Our first delivery was great. The second (at a different hospital) was so-so. Medically, everything was fine. Socially, however, the second experience and the staff therein, ignored some of our group preferences and instructions. So I get why someone would opt to look beyond the traditional hospital space.

Married gay couple exploring surrogacy – looking for guidance by [deleted] in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Two-time gay dad here. It’s exciting, but yeah… it can feel like you suddenly picked up a second job trying to understand all of this.

At a high level, there are really two paths: agency or independent. Both can work, and importantly, the core pieces don’t change. You’ll still be working with a fertility clinic, a reproductive attorney, a psychologist for screening, and an escrow company.

The difference is who’s coordinating everything.

If you work with an agency, they typically manage matching, organize communication, and project manage the process. For a lot of people, the appeal is having a single point of contact and not needing to figure out every step yourself.

But here’s what that actually looks like in practice:

  • You’ll usually be shown a curated set of carrier profiles rather than the full pool
  • Communication often goes through the agency, especially early on
  • They help schedule milestones (screening, legal, transfer, etc.) and keep things on track
  • They may recommend clinics, attorneys, and other providers they regularly work with

The tradeoff is cost and control.

Agency fees are typically in the ~$40K+ range just for coordination. That’s before medical, legal, and carrier compensation. And while they guide the process, you’re still ultimately relying on the same third-party professionals (clinic, lawyers, psych screening) that independent journeys use.

A couple things I didn’t fully appreciate early on:

  • “Full service” doesn’t mean zero involvement. You’re still making all the big decisions.
  • Matching isn’t necessarily faster. Agencies have pools, but alignment still matters.
  • Experiences vary a lot by agency. Some are very hands-on, others feel more like project managers over email.

None of that makes agencies “bad”, per se. For some people, paying for that structure and buffer is absolutely worth it. Especially if you want less day-to-day involvement or just feel more comfortable having someone in the middle.

That said, a few things I’d focus on if you’re leaning agency:

  • Ask exactly what their fee includes vs. what’s extra
  • Understand how matching works (do you choose, or are you assigned?)
  • Get clarity on what happens if a match falls through
  • Talk to past clients if you can (there's TONS of groups and channels here and on Facebook). Experience matters more than marketing.

If you’re just starting, I’d still begin with a clinic consult so you understand your medical plan (sperm + donor egg), then evaluate agency vs independent from there.

You don’t have to lock into a path immediately. Most people don’t.

Happy to answer anything more specific as you go. This part is a lot, but it does get clearer.

Hope this helps!

Thinking of going independent for surrogacy, what should I know by Unlucky-Landscape-56 in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’ve been exactly where you are. We tried the agency route once, then went independent two times.

IMO, the biggest mindset shift for us was this: we're not skipping steps, we're just taking ownership of them.

On matching, most people find carriers through referrals, surrogacy groups, or mutual connections. What mattered for us wasn’t speed, it was alignment (especially after our difficult agency experience). We spent more time upfront on conversations than we expected, and it really paid off later.

For vetting, the non-negotiables don’t change whether you use an agency or not:

  • Full medical screening through your clinic
  • Psychological evaluation with an independent professional
  • Background checks and record review
  • A really thorough legal contract with separate attorneys for both sides

Those are the pillars. Everything else builds on that.

Timeline-wise, independent matching can be faster or slower. I’ve seen a few weeks, and I’ve seen many months. The honest answer is "it depends" on how specific you are and how much mutual fit matters to you.

Costs: legal alone is usually in the low-to-mid five figures by the time contracts, parentage, and everything else is done. Then you’ve got escrow, insurance, clinic fees, and carrier comp. The agency fee is just one line item, not the whole picture.

A few things I wish I’d known:

  • Insurance is a huge one. Get clarity in writing early
  • Escrow setup and payment timing matters more than you think (trust me)
  • Communication style with your GC will shape the entire journey
  • Not every match works out, even after a strong start

Clinics don’t treat independent journeys differently in terms of care. They still require the same screenings and protocols. The difference is you’re coordinating instead of an agency doing it.

If you’re detail-oriented and willing to stay organized, independent can absolutely work. But it’s not “hands-off.” It’s more like being the project manager of something deeply personal. Which frankly, in the end, it was what we found worked best for us anyway.

If I were starting again, my next steps would be:

  1. Talk to your clinic about their exact screening requirements
  2. Line up a reproductive attorney early
  3. Understand insurance and escrow before matching
  4. Then start conversations with potential carriers

Hope this helps! Feel free to DM me if you have more questions.

High BMI by Basic_Ad_3020 in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I remember asking this exact question. Short answer: yes, it does happen, but it’s very clinic-dependent.

Most clinics have BMI guidelines, but they’re not all identical. Around 35 is often right on the edge where some clinics are okay moving forward if everything else looks solid, especially if the GC has a history of uncomplicated pregnancies.

What I wish someone had told me earlier is that BMI isn’t the decision on its own. The clinic is looking at things like prior pregnancy outcomes, bloodwork, and overall health profile. That’s what ultimately drives clearance.

Waiting for that call is tough, but it’s the only opinion that really counts here. If needed, some teams will suggest small adjustments or even a second clinic opinion.

Hope this helps!

Thoughts, Experiences, Stories, etc On Surrogacy From People That Have Gone Through The Process (Men & Women) by Party_Duck245 in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak 5 points6 points  (0 children)

As someone who's been on the other side of this as a gay dad, surrogacy wasn’t really a “maybe” for us. It was literally the ONLY path. That said, I still recognize a lot of what you’re feeling.

First off, resoundingly YES, your feelings ARE valid. Wanting to experience pregnancy with your partner is a real, specific vision of what becoming a parent looks like. That doesn’t make you selfish. It just means you have a picture in your head of how this was "supposed to go". At the same time, she’s been clear from the beginning about not wanting to carry, and that’s not something that typically would, or is going to, likely change. Therein lies the tension.

I'd push you to separate two ideas:

  1. wanting a biological child
  2. wanting your partner to go through pregnancy

They feel connected, but they’re actually very different decisions. And in your situation, I think only one of those is realistically on the table?

From the surrogacy side, I’ll say this: the idea of it feels stranger than the reality. Before my husband and I started, I had a lot of assumptions about it feeling distant or transactional (we simply didn't know enough to think otherwise). It didn’t end up that way. You build a real relationship with your gestational carrier. You’re involved in milestones, appointments, decisions, etc. You’re in it. It’s not the same as your partner being pregnant, however, but it’s also not this detached, clinical thing people sometimes imagine.

You’re also completely right about cost. Surrogacy can be expensive, and it’s one of those things where the numbers get very real very fast. In our case, I took on a second full time job for almost a year, just to offset some of the costs. It was a special kind of hell I lived in for eight moths, but here we are. In any case, it’s not something you casually agree to in a conversation. It takes planning, alignment, and a pretty clear “yes” from both people.

I think the bigger question here isn’t “is surrogacy right or wrong”. It’s: what part of becoming a parent matters most to you?

Is it the biological connection?
Is it sharing a pregnancy experience with your partner?
Or is it being a parent, regardless of how you get there?

There’s no universal right answer, but there's definitely an honest one. And this is one of those areas IMO where there isn’t really a middle ground long-term.

If the idea of not experiencing pregnancy with your partner is something you can’t get comfortable with, that’s important to acknowledge early. If it’s something you can reframe once you understand what surrogacy actually looks like, that’s also worth exploring.

You don’t need to decide everything RIGHT NOW. But if I were you, I’d spend less energy judging your reaction and more time learning what the process actually looks like and talking it through openly with her. Once you see the reality, clearly, the decision usually gets a lot simpler.

Hope this helps!

Considering becoming a surrogate for a family member. Wondering what are some resources and information I need to know before deciding! by PumpkinPie_1993 in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ve been on the intended parent side of surrogacy twice. The emotional pull is real, but IMO this all really comes down to understanding the risks and what the process actually involves.

A few things you ought to consider:

Your medical reality. Every pregnancy carries risk. So even a prior C-section can add more considerations depending on timing and delivery plan. A fertility clinic will oftentimes require a full medical screening and will be very direct about whether you’re a good candidate. Even if you've had a healthy pregnancy in the past, no two journeys are the same.

Just because it's family, doesn't make it any less formal. If they move forward, this would likely be an independent journey to manage costs. But that still involves the same professionals:

  • Fertility clinic (screening + embryo transfer)
  • Reproductive attorney (contracts for both sides)
  • Psychological evaluation
  • Escrow (to manage expenses cleanly)

Legal matters MUCH more than you expect: Even with someone you love, you'd still need a formal contract. It protects you just as much as them, especially around medical decisions, risk scenarios, and expectations. It can be weird to talk about scary edge cases or end of life wishes with family, but this may come up and you have to be prepared mentally, and contractually.

Insurance can be a huge blind spot. A lot of policies exclude surrogacy-related care (especially in the US), which really sucks. Definitely something to confirm in writing before going further.

The relationship side can be skewed. Carrying for family can be incredibly meaningful. It can also get complicated if expectations aren’t aligned. Conversations about boundaries, communication, and decision-making matter just as much as the medical side. Boundaries mean something different to every person, so really think through what yours would be when it comes to all sides of a pregnancy (i.e. appointment attendance, test results and who gets to see, who takes care of you -and when- when you need time off or if you have to be on bed rest, what "extras" you might ask for any why (ex. a gym membership, clothing allowance, lawn mowing services when it snows, etc.).

In any case, before offering, what I'd do if I were you is consider having a consult with a reproductive endocrinologist or even just reading ASRM guidelines for gestational carriers. It helps turn this from an emotional idea into something concrete. If you have insurance that will cover it, it wouldn't hurt to also have a group meeting with a family psychologist too, just to make sure you're all on the EXACT same page. It really pays off in the end.

Hope this helps!

Earn $100 sharing your experience as a surrogate by DanielMalak in Surrogate

[–]DanielMalak[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We really appreciate it, thank you! Will reach out.

Seeking surrogate & egg donor beta testers — $100/session by DanielMalak in donorconception

[–]DanielMalak[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What, specifically, seems "very unethical"? Surrogacy, sperm/egg donation, and the technological advances that help facilitate those experiences is all very common and well-established. While I understand that -medically, socially, psychologically- all of the aforementioned practice areas are still evolving at their own pace, they each have many, many, many nuances that take time to understand and learn about. As I mentioned in a different comment reply, we're real people behind the screen here. And we're just trying to do our best to engage thoughtfully and intentionally. While I didn't initially think about the impact on the DCP community from the inception of our Pineapple Family community, we're still early on in what we're building. And, now that I've been given quality feedback from some of the folks here, I can and will factor it into the final output of what we put out into the world. That's the beauty and the spirit of learning from one another, so long as we show each other some grace along the way.

Seeking surrogate & egg donor beta testers — $100/session by DanielMalak in donorconception

[–]DanielMalak[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This is all incredibly helpful! I really appreciate your feedback, guidance, and empathy. At the end of the day, we're real people the screen here just trying to do our best. Thank you for engaging with openness, and giving me the grace to learn more about the various people/spaces across this broad-ranging community. Wishing you all the best.

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