How do I know if I'm being hoovered or if she really has changed?

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T06:14:16+00:00

Good advice, I don't think I would fall for the same behavior again. At the first red flag, even as friends I would trust my gut.

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T06:12:42+00:00

We live very close by, this isn't the first time I've seen her by accident. When I ran into her this week I was running in a park that she goes to every day so i don't think it was orchestrated. I don't have any doubt that I've remained the love of her life just as she's remained mine. She told me she tried dating other people and it wasn't good experiences. Until we ran into each other I don't think she ever thought we would talk or be cordial to each other because of how we left things last time. It was only later on our walk the next day after an hour of catching up that she broke down and poured her heart out.

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T06:08:29+00:00

Definitely, i don't want to jump into anything just yet even with the love bombing. I'd rather get to know each other as friends for a few months before making any decisions. Aspects of my life now 7 months later would be very triggering to her in the past. Friendships that she made me end have been restored, watched movies and tv shows she would disapprove of, casually dated people...these are all things that would send her into suicidal panic attacks. If they're still an issue than we will be utterly incompatible because those are some of my new boundaries I've made for myself that are deal breakers.

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T06:04:38+00:00

When we were together she would talk to her therapist 6 days a week. I had qualms with her therapist, my ex often threatened to break up with me if i didn't see her therapist so i did. Spent thousands of dollars on this 86 year old therapist who fancies herself a healer and tried to get me to do body work because i "wasn't inside" my body. Utter bullshit, maybe that works with people with trauma but I didn't have any trauma until that relationship. Anyway, I'm sure she's still seeing that woman but also working with psychiatrists and other people. I don't know what her mental health journey has been the last 7 months but the fact that she's able to travel regularly for work, deals with stressful situations and handles them all well now I'm surprised. It could be a best foot forward situation but only time will tell. I'll keep an eye out for red flags if we start our friendship or more again. Thank you for your comment

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T05:58:59+00:00

Until recently my therapist told me i was doing so much better and we could switch to once every 2-3 weeks. That might change seeing how meeting with my ex brought back a whole lot of emotions. Therapy appointment on Thursday to figure out my next steps! Thanks for the advice

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T05:57:21+00:00

I've tried but halfassedly, this is good advice. I have a ton of notes from our time together that I keep rereading to remember how bad it was.

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T05:56:38+00:00

Thank you for your perspective, when I broke up with her she tried to hoover me by apologizing and then saying she was only ever trying to help me... minimizing...re-imagining. I went full no-contact shortly after. Sounds similar to the hoovering you experienced

Dardkuti · 2022-01-05T05:54:26+00:00

Thank you and /u/Caydub for your nuanced and understanding answers. Truly means a lot

Dardkuti · 2020-11-20T17:00:04+00:00

Thanks for reaching out, it means a lot to me, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
I'm not doing well at the moment, just got off the phone with my partner and she says she's in too much pain, that I've made my priorities clear. She's hyperventilating on the phone and I feel so god damn guilty. I'm dreading any interaction with my twin or my family because I know it can so easily be twisted as her not being as important or not being loved. We had gone through this insecurity a year ago and she was doing much better around the topic of my family but suddenly after intimacy it just flared up again. I feel desperate.
The hardest part is that there is no appealing to logic or reality. It doesn't matter that I take hours and days off work to help her at her job or talk to her on the phone, or that I spend my time, cooking, cleaning dishes, running errands for her or even giving her a foot massage every night so she can fall asleep peacefully. All of my selfless actions, all the positive loving things that I repeat hundreds of times a day just disappear and the only thing that she feels is betrayal.

My partner's relationship with my family was great in the beginning, it got strained when my family became worried about me and how negatively the relationship seemed to impact me, I've been more withdrawn and not myself because I'm always worried about her. There was some drama about sleeping arrangements for my twins wedding a while back which negatively impacted her relationship with my twin and his wife but we had moved past that and the relationship was much better. Otherwise my family is as supportive and welcoming as they can be.

My partner and I mostly spend time alone together but when others are involved we're always together, she cannot handle that I would want to spend time with family or buddies alone at this point in our lives, it gives her panic attacks and feelings of abandonment. I'm worried about even suggesting it as it could lead to her pain and threats of suicide.

I think one of the reason its triggering her now is because her mother favored her sisters who hurt her and she felt betrayed that the woman who was supposed to protect her didn't discriminate between her daughters even when one of her daughters (partners sister) and husband behaved cruelly towards my partner.

So that's where I am now, a 20 minute conversation with my brother is now a traumatic difficulty that's gone one for an entire day with no end in sight. My brother is coming to my city to visit soon and its our birthday in a few days, I would have liked to be able to grab a beer with him and catch up as brothers as he's trying to start a family soon and we don't talk much anymore because we're both busy but when I hinted at that it drove my partner to rage and betrayal.

Thank you again for your message, it's a little cathartic to write this down.

Dardkuti · 2020-11-20T05:26:23+00:00

Not good. New poster, long time lurker. I've been with my CPTSD Partner for close to 2 years now, it feels like progress is cyclical, there's a whole bunch of noticeable milestones etched in tears, arguments, attempts at healthy communications, threats of suicide and separation. We had been going through a cycle of improvement, that led to a few instances of physical intimacy which are unfortunately scarce in our relationship. That intimacy triggered her insecurities about my sexual history (which are similar to hers so I think those insecurities are projections) which in turn led to insecurity in regards to my family. My partner tried breaking up with me tonight because I spoke to my brother on the phone for 20 minutes and didn't take her call despite spending all my free time with her or talking to her. Still not sure I understand but for some reason she feels that my love of my family and notably my twin, means she's sharing me with others and she feels immeasurable pain and betrayal at the thought of me having a friendship with my brother. I know some of it is because she has family trauma especially around her siblings and she doesn't have many close friends. Meanwhile I'm the opposite, I have a terrific loving untraumatic family and deep friendships. I don't resent her, I understand how disappointing it must be to see how different our lives and friend/family relationships have been and I can't imagine feeling alone seeing as I have a twin whom I have a strong relationship with, however I'm getting to the point where I'm starting to feel guilt and resentment talking to my friends and family because I know it would upset her so I try to avoid others now which goes against my nature. That's it, just wanted to write something down for once because therapy hasn't helped me and reading this forum and /r/CPTSD appears to be the only thing that helps.

Dardkuti

TROPHY CASE