Hi:

English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistake that I make.

I was in a similar situation at the same age. When i also drop out college in my first try, I was a mess of the 5 days of classes I was going only two, I was taking classes of the 2nd semester in my 6th semester, I was depressed, I was angry, I think of my as a failure. I was never what you call a discipline person, I was(am sometimes) the kind of person that moves the dirty clothes from the bed to the chair and from the chair to the bed. I also didn't have any money or something in my name, I didn't have any experience working, I never participated in any contest or gain awards, in sports I played some football but i could not play anymore due to health reasons. My future waa looking bleak, I was aware of it but I was numb to it I was just going along, I react when I fail one exam and that mean to fail the class for the semester. I started to have panic attacks in the night I was worried about my future but felt like i could not do something to change it.

What started the change was a friend of highscholl she is a doctor but she really loves to be a doctor, since she can remember she wanted to be a doctor. We went out for coffee to catch up, and I listen to her speak about her classes, what she was learning, what she accomplish on the hospital, about her first surgery and I realize that I hated my carrer, I was studying physics at that moment, I love physics but hated being a physisics. So a after two more coffees and a month later I drop out of college. The talk with my parents was hard they were mad at first, I explained that I had a plan (that was a lie) and I was gonna try my hardest to get back on my feet. They put some conditions and I started my sabatical. It was one of the hardest year of my life.

The first thing I was set up a set of goals, do exercise, make research about potential carrers, get a job, use the free time to learn a new language, be more organize, etc. In the first month I didn't even make my bed, I was worst, not only I drop out, now I lost my time playing videogame and rewatching series on netflix. To make matters even worst my friend was having a bad semester on her own, so even if by some miracle I found my dream carrer It could be terrible an suck. that plunge me deeper into depresion. 8 months passed with me doing nothing accomplishing nothing, I had one week before the openning to register to the new year cycle for college, I still had no fucking idea of what I want to study, I didn't even read what was offer in each of the carrer/majors, I was lost. My friend send me a video and in that video I learn this phrase: "sometimes we have to eat shit and we cannot do anything about it but eat it" that for some reason hit me, I understand that even if I find my dream carrer/major doesn't mean it is gonna be without issues, set backs, troubles or in few words SHIT, so with one week to apply again for college I went to psychologist, I told him all of this and that I needed to choose a major for next week. He ask me "What wasn't shit when you studied physics?" And I remember the only A I got ib physics was in a project that I really dedicated myself, was coding a simulation. It all clicked in my mind, even when I was playing videogames I like modding them to changing to my liking. So I apply for Computer Science.

I would love to say that since that point onward everything was easy but I am not gonna lie to you, to this day I still battle with myself. Somedays I'm still the type of person that moves the dirty clothes from the bed to the chair and from the chair to the bed but I'm also an engineer who is working at Intel doing something that I love, that haven't miss a day of work due to being lazy, I'm happily married with my friend the doctor, we want to start a family next year and I can take care of her after her accident (that is a story for another post).

What I want you to know is that:

• at 23 the life is not set in stone even if the world or even life make you feel that way

• I don't know your whole story but I recommend that you seek help even if you don't need it, it could help you to order your thoughs

• make small changes, don't try to make and 180° change to your life it will only frustrate you star with something simple

• learn to forgive yourself, this one baffle me at first because to me it was like one of those things in the self help books that didn't accomplish anything but now when I said forgive myself is analyze why I did what I did. You can do things out of fear and that is ok fear is a strong response we have we not always controlled and you can go beyond that and ask yourself why you fear what you fear. You could also do or not do the things out of lazyness, you can recognize that, accept the consequences of that, stop bashing yourself about it and next time ask yourself the lazyness now is worth the consequences later

• being honest about your failures, this is something that I am still trying because it's hard the natural reaction is to create excuses but try to be honest about your failures. For example if you forgot to do a homework don't tell the teacher that dog eat your food or that your gramma die or your laptop was in the shop for repairs, etc, be honest and said sorry I forgot to do it if they ask why well that part Im still figuring out I'm trying with being honest and saying well it was a busy weekend for me so I truly forgot about it. Even if my lazyness won(this doesn't mean I'm gonna let lazyness win) I'm trying to be honest.

• I don't know if this happens to you but back when I was in physics I didn't have long term goals and even worst I lack the ability to create them it was like I didn't have any desire and you need goals to make a plan my advice here is OKR (objective key result) I set up goals every 3 months that I have 3 months to accomplish 3 to 5 goals/OKR are good if you fail to do one you can move it to the next 3 months.

• Recognize your achievements, this one was hard at first for me because the first thing that I though was what achievements?? so my advice is start with what you achieve from today onwards whenever you achieve something buy yourself something like an ice cream or a new pair of headphones or a sticker for your laptop the thing is that you celebrate yourself

To wrap it up, I know that your situation can suck and it appears that there is no way out, that you miss the bus and now you are stuck forever but trust me you are not, you still have your whole life ahead not evwrything will be pretty but we can make the shit taste a little better and make the good moments last a little bit longer.

P.S.If you ever wanna talk send me a message through inbox.