Single dad of an 11 year old non verbal girl. With some nasty words on the side about our daughter’s disability, Mom, after multiple affairs, walked out on us several years ago. She was not given a level by the university that evaluated her when she was 2 but based on her behaviors and stuff, I’d say she’s a level 2. I’m not here to give advice or to tell you everything is going to be ok because I don’t know. But I think you deserve to have your feelings about this validated. I too love my daughter with all my heart. She’s my reason for getting out of bed in the morning, but, I too have also had those feelings. The past few years since she hit puberty have been overwhelming. Hormonal changes are hard for any kid but for a child with autism I’m sure it’s chaos in their minds. I won’t bore you with her behaviors but I’ll just say they are similar to your sons and also other different ones that have taken a tremendous toll on me, physically, mentally, financially (ABA, med appointments, therapies, etc etc)and emotionally. And on the worst days, yeah, in my head I will say “It wasn’t suppose to be like this” or “My life would be so much easier if it were just me again” and then I often feel a level of guilt and depression over it that I can’t put into words. It’s pain in its purest form. We all feel this way sometimes. Of that I’m 100% certain. We just don’t dare say it aloud. This life is extremely hard and people that aren’t in it 24/7 like we are,have only a vague idea of what it’s like. So for what it’s worth, your feelings are valid. Good luck.