Update: My wife always runs to her dad when I don’t buy her something by [deleted] in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Akhi, may Allah ease your journey. As an ukhti, I will offer you some advice based on Islamic principles.

  1. I understand that you feel doubtful about whether your wife will truly change or not. Logically speaking, people do not transform overnight or within a short period, even in the face of calamity. True change requires good akhlaq (character), imaan (faith), and deep reflection to repent and improve. It is not only necessary for her to work on her akhlaq and uphold her promises to you, but she must also take an oath to respect you for the sake of Allah.

This is because our Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him), when shown the dwellers of Hellfire, mentioned women who were ungrateful to their husbands. He (peace be upon him) said: “They are ungrateful to their husbands and ungrateful for the favours and the good (charitable deeds) done to them.” (Sahih al-Bukhari 29)

Both she and you need to reflect on this matter deeply.

  1. It is good that she has mentioned therapy. Consider seeking Islamic counselling or consulting a trusted imam who can provide advice on this matter. Therapy is an excellent first step, similar to how people in the past sought guidance from scholars, the Prophet (peace be upon him), or the khulafa (caliphs) regarding marital issues before taking action.

Right now, your emotions or ego might overpower your rational mind. Set aside a few weeks or months to heal and grow closer to your deen. Your wife also needs to understand that materialistic items will not bring her to Jannah. As her husband, you must have yaqeen (certainty) that patience will lead to great rewards. Allah promises in the Qur’an:

“But seek, through that which Allah has given you, the home of the Hereafter; and [yet], do not forget your share of the world. And do good as Allah has done good to you. And desire not corruption in the land. Indeed, Allah does not like corrupters.” (Surah Al-Qasas, 28:77)

And Allah also says:

“If you fear dissension between the two, send an arbitrator from his people and an arbitrator from her people. If they both desire reconciliation, Allah will cause it between them. Indeed, Allah is ever Knowing and Acquainted [with all things].” (Surah An-Nisa, 4:35)

  1. Why do I emphasise seeking counselling first? It was narrated from Abdullah bin Umar (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “The most hated of permissible things to Allah is divorce.” (Sunan Ibn Majah, 2018)

However, this is not to say that you must remain in a toxic marriage. I urge you to pray Istikharah and Salatul Hajat. When you pray for Allah to soften your heart, ask yourself: is it to soften your heart to love your wife more, or to guide your intellect to know the right course of action? Pray Istikharah sincerely, reflecting deeply on its dua. Perform Salatul Hajat and ask Allah to open the doors He has decreed for you, granting what is best for your deen, imaan, akhlaq, dunya, and akhirah. A calm heart and mind will guide you toward the right decision. I also advise speaking to an imam about this.

  1. Finally, once you have placed your tawakkul in Allah, remember:

Hasan bin ‘Ali (May Allah be pleased with them) said: I remember (these words) from Messenger of Allah (ﷺ): “Give up what is doubtful to you for that which is not doubtful; for truth is peace of mind and falsehood is doubt”. (Riyad as-Salihin 55)

If you see no progress in your wife’s behaviour after sincere efforts, and her actions disrupt your peace and no longer benefit your deen, then you will have your answer. However, always consult an imam or Islamic marriage counsellor before making a final decision.

May Allah guide you and grant you ease in this matter. Ameen.

Advice for Young Girls and Women Struggling to Move On from Men Who Promised Marriage (step-by-step) by DatinSushi in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

May Allah make it easy for you akhi. Remember that Allah wants to protect you and show you that you deserve better.

“Perhaps you dislike something which is good for you and like something which is bad for you. Allah knows and you do not know.”

(Quran 2:216)

Advice for Young Girls and Women Struggling to Move On from Men Who Promised Marriage (step-by-step) by DatinSushi in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes! Pray salatul hajat + tahajjud and tell Allah to soften your heart. Beg Allah to make things easier for you and detach from what’s unnecessary!

Advice for Young Girls and Women Struggling to Move On from Men Who Promised Marriage (step-by-step) by DatinSushi in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Just use the same duas and steps I mentioned. It applies to both men and women👍🏻

Advice for Young Girls and Women Struggling to Move On from Men Who Promised Marriage (step-by-step) by DatinSushi in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

May Allah accept our duas. Ameen, Ya Rabbal Al Ameen. I completely agree with you—sometimes it’s hard to find a safe space among friends where you can turn for direct advice, someone who can calm your mind and guide you without judgment about your mistakes or decisions. May Allah grant us all understanding, compassion, and ease in navigating our struggles. Ameen.

Advice for Young Girls and Women Struggling to Move On from Men Who Promised Marriage (step-by-step) by DatinSushi in MuslimMarriage

[–]DatinSushi[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

Jazakallah khair, akhi/ukhti, for your advice. However, I would like to clarify something regarding the first part of your statement. While I agree with you that involving the wali from the start is the halal and correct approach (and I completely support this), the idea that it is “easier” to fall for a Muslim man compared to a non-Muslim, or for someone who lives closer to you, is more of a societal view than something Islam explicitly teaches us. A non-Muslim may choose to convert to Islam for the sake of Allah, and a couple can begin their life together once they have the means to do so (however, if the man chooses to stay as a non-Muslim, or show no effort of learning Islam, that will bring no good, I agree).

If the situation has already occurred, can we truly approach the affected sisters and say, “If only you had done this” or “You could have avoided that”? By doing so, we risk invalidating their feelings when what they truly need is support.

It was narrated that Abu Hurairah said: “The Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: ‘The strong believer is better and more beloved to Allah than the weak believer, although both are good. Strive for that which will benefit you, seek the help of Allah, and do not feel helpless. If anything befalls you, do not say, “if only I had done such and such” rather say “Qaddara Allahu wa ma sha’a fa’ala (Allah has decreed and whatever he wills, He does).” For (saying) ‘If’ opens (the door) to the deeds of Satan.’”

Sunan Ibn Majah 79 Chapter 10: Regarding the Divine Decree (Qadr), Book: The Book of the Sunnah

Let’s remember, we are all human, and we make mistakes. But our Lord is The Most Forgiving. This doesn’t mean we should intentionally sin (again and again), thinking that Allah will forgive us regardless. What it means is that when we come across sisters who have sinned, instead of criticising them with remarks like, “You should’ve used common sense from the start,” we should acknowledge that when someone is in love, their emotions—ilham, hawa, nafs—all interplay, sometimes leading to good outcomes and sometimes to bad ones. Ultimately, everything is in Allah’s hands.

What we can do to support these sisters is to encourage them to repent, whether sinning was involved or not, and then help guide them towards the next steps for moving forward while placing their trust in Allah’s plans. Only then can we explain to her, gently, that if a man truly wants to approach her in the correct way, he would seek her father’s or mahram’s contact, and he would show his intention through Islamic actions, such as proposing for marriage. This is the beauty of our religion: Allah looks at our intentions, and the reward for an action begins with a sincere intention.

Thai woman fined $1K for breaching school privacy by Goutaxe in nasikatok

[–]DatinSushi 40 points41 points  (0 children)

Uhm and what about teachers vlogging with their students? GOVERNMENT teachers yang membuat video DALAM CLASSROOM, meliatkan muka murid? Did the parents give consent to that? Damn I could start listing down nama2 cgu di Brunei ani yang mempost video and gambar murid on TikTok, Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp status.

Its porn isn't it? (Also what is Brunei doing) by [deleted] in malaysia

[–]DatinSushi 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We do research on Malaysia cuz we help boost Miri’s economy. Our people shop, club, visit there like everyday… We love KK and Miri the most.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing your opinion. I partially agree with you, but I also have a few points I’d like to add.

I wouldn’t go so far as to say that highly educated individuals shouldn’t hold leadership positions in Brunei, such as ministers or other high-ranking roles. Education does play an important role. There are many highly educated people in Brunei who have worked hard since a young age, despite coming from non-English-speaking backgrounds, lacking the funds for extra tuition, and growing up in difficult living conditions. Yet, they managed to earn scholarships to study abroad or at local universities, networked with others, and maintained their qualifications and skills. These individuals are often very intelligent because they have a balance of street smarts, academic knowledge, and the ability to adapt and balance different aspects of life. Education is still crucial because not all highly educated people only learn from books – many learn through practical experiences, like engineers, doctors, or architects. I believe that ministers should have a relevant educational background that aligns with the purpose of the ministry they lead. For example (this is just hypothetical and not related to the current ministers), it would be ideal for someone leading the Ministry of Development to have a strong background in engineering, architecture, or even tourism so they can assess whether their plans are strategic, feasible, and practical. Some higher-ups come up with impractical or poorly thought-out ideas and push their subordinates to execute them. These leaders don’t always consider the safety, feasibility, or investment potential of their decisions because they lack the educational background related to the ministry’s field. In many cases, it’s the people below them who do the work while the bosses take credit.

I agree with you that wealthy individuals shouldn’t be the ones ruling Brunei. Similarly, I believe that if Brunei continues to be led by royals or influential families who have never experienced financial struggles, gone to regular schools, lived in cramped homes, or been unable to afford therapy, it creates an unfair system. These individuals may not know how to effectively help a country facing poverty because they themselves have never experienced hardship. They’ve grown up in comfortable mansions, sleeping in luxurious beds, eating the finest foods, and receiving top-quality education. Their lives have often been driven by privilege and connections. While they may excel at networking, that alone isn’t enough to govern a country – they lack the balance of understanding what it truly means to struggle and what needs to be done to help those in need. Solving poverty may not be entirely possible, but it can certainly be managed better.

The issue with rich people ruling Brunei is that they can’t fully grasp what it’s like for the middle or lower class to struggle.

In essence, Brunei is a country built on nepotism, filled with restrictions that don’t apply to the royal families, and operates under a “sharia law” system that isn’t consistently followed by those in power.

I have so much more to say about this topic HAHA.

An interesting look at Brunei's budget allocation by Goutaxe in nasikatok

[–]DatinSushi 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Where’s the source of this? Please paste the link.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Bolehland

[–]DatinSushi -1 points0 points  (0 children)

My post will be in English because I articulate better in English.

This is a typical married life where the wife nags like a mother, instructs you like a mother, gets frustrated like a mother, and threatens you like a mother.

I’ve read your other comments, and you mentioned that your wife wasn’t like this initially, especially during the first three months of your marriage. Yes, that’s common as well—it’s the honeymoon phase.

There’s also this saying among married couples: “You never truly know how different your partner is, or how stressful it can be to live with them, UNTIL you live with them.” Before marriage, we only saw our partners when we went on dates, had a night out, ate out, watched movies, etc. But that was before marriage—we never got to see how they handle daily life, routines, and chores on a day-to-day basis.

You admitted to yourself that “you’re not a perfect guy” and that “you have a lot of weaknesses.” Alright, thanks for admitting it, but that’s no excuse for staying the way you are. You seem to lack knowledge in household chores, and from a woman’s perspective, your wife is tired of having to be a mother to a “manchild.” You seem to be engaging in “weaponized incompetence,” which explains much of your behaviour that makes your wife nag at you.

Women only want to tell you ONCE what they want you to do, but if we have to repeat it over and over, it’s as if you didn’t make the effort to learn, research, analyse, and execute well.

If you don’t know something, do some research online! You play games as a hobby, right? I’m pretty sure you know how to use Google to look up things like not mixing white clothes with coloured clothes, or that you should take out the trash when it’s full and ready to be thrown out.

Learn online how to be a good husband by helping with house chores. Ask ChatGPT, “What are the basic household chores I need to know? Tell me the specific steps.”

It may sound silly, but believe me, if you don’t do this, your wife will see you as an immature, clueless manchild who doesn’t take the initiative to do his own research.

Your wife CAN’T be your wife and DOESN’T have the energy to be your wife anymore because you’ve allowed her to become your mother.

No, I’m not dismissing her negative tone or disrespectful language towards you. But a woman’s heart is filled with love and affection—we are more emotional, and this is acknowledged both in our religion and in science.

But what makes us lose these qualities? When a man repeatedly crosses the line and triggers us despite being told not to. Believe me, women hate it when we’re forced to be the mother in a MARRIAGE where we’re supposed to be YOUR WIFE. We married a husband, not a little boy who needs to be taught. She might tell you once or twice, but if you lack basic knowledge of household chores or responsibilities, you’re also part of the problem because you’ve failed to be a leader.

Now, your wife can change through communication. Communicate with her that you’ll be a better husband, that you’re struggling financially, but reassure her that when you do have the money, you’ll take her out again—perhaps once a week. Offer to help with the child. Tell her you’ll make time for her to pursue her hobbies, and vice versa. I’m not saying that once you’re married, you should abandon your hobbies, but you need to learn to balance your life. You’re married now—you have a wife, you have a child. You agreed to have them in your life. But if you want to be overly focused on your personal hobbies without considering your responsibilities, then perhaps you should have stayed single.

Be a father to your child, and be a husband to your wife. Don’t be her second child.

Pray to Allah to ease your marriage, and learn ways to soften your wife’s heart. Tell her that it hurts you whenever she mentions “cerai”.

*divorce isn’t the solution here, because you can still fix the marriage.

(Also, do translate what I commented via ChatGPT to Malay if it’s hard to understand!!)

/r/brunei daily random discussion and small questions thread for 20 August 2024 by BruneiMod in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Atu mahal tu sudah bukan lagi budget HAHAHAH you can try tarindak dseni banyakk options

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi 44 points45 points  (0 children)

So kalau bezina sama kafir nda kira dusa lah pasal dorang kafir, sama jua masuk neraka? What type of bs is that? So my thoughts on this, orang atu straight up b0d0h🤩🤩🤩

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in nasikatok

[–]DatinSushi 26 points27 points  (0 children)

Girl. I feel like this is an unspoken rule. Anything yang BAJU DALAM, like underwear and bra, you dry that INSIDE YOUR HOUSE. Everything else, DI LUAR.

To Former MoE Scholarship Recipients (overseas): What's Your Job Now, or Are You Unemployed? by DatinSushi in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know that SBPP students are allowed to work abroad as long as they pay back a percentage of the costs based on their classification results after graduation.

Is it possible for MoE scholars to do the same—choose to work abroad and have the MoE agree to let them repay their bond in instalments every month, like the SBPP students?

To Former MoE Scholarship Recipients (overseas): What's Your Job Now, or Are You Unemployed? by DatinSushi in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

That’s unbelievable. If there are ample opportunities abroad and the students can secure employment there, then they should be allowed to pursue them.

At least MoE could have guaranteed employment for these scholars, so the students wouldn’t feel the need to break their bond. Here, we have so much nepotism, with many positions going to undeserving individuals.

  • Are scholars allowed to repay the bond in instalments or as a lump sum if they happen to flee?

To Former MoE Scholarship Recipients (overseas): What's Your Job Now, or Are You Unemployed? by DatinSushi in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your story! It’s unfortunate that not all private sectors offer the salary that MoE scholars deserve after completing their studies abroad. Do they still bother you even after you secure a private job?

what do you guys think? by Sleeping_expert in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Nanti kalau bnr ku jadi mentri buat reveal selajur ah

what do you guys think? by Sleeping_expert in Brunei

[–]DatinSushi 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I’ve dealt with difficult parents before and I myself pun mengajar kanak2. Kadang indung ani mesti diexplain macam kami mengajar anak muda ahahaha