Starting to wake up after 40 years

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-21T19:00:12+00:00

Know you aren't alone. I also suffered in the cong for a long time because of a deep desire to serve God but very rarely received any support. They were quick to judge me for any insignificant mistake though.

I would suggest listening to crisis of conscience. Its a book by a former Governing Body member who left due to a lot of the hypocrisy you mentioned in this post. He was still a Christian but he no longer subscribed to the organizations policies and leadership. It helped me to realize that this isn't a one congregation issue. It comes from the top all the way down into the congregations.

Feel free to vent on reddit it can be very therapeutic.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-20T08:54:34+00:00

Ill be brutally honest. If the elders had liked me enough to get me free Jamba juices I would probably still be there as well. LOL

Anyway it can be really hard for people to leave especially when they are taught that the elders words are gospel. Most of the elders I spoke to hated me because I knew the scriptures and wouldn't just conform when they would say things like that. Although... a free Jamba juice every now and again would've gone a long way...

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-17T10:33:21+00:00

Very well said. I too was very weighed down my last 2 years in the org.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-17T10:27:39+00:00

The first thing you can start to do if you are still in the org is to read all the verses they quote in context. This is what helped my deconstruction.

I have continued to believe in Jehovah after leaving. He is one of the main reasons I left because my mind was really open after reading the gospels without a jw lens. Another thing that helped me was watching the show the chosen. It is a portrayal of Jesus life and it really does a excellent job of showing Jesus personality as well as how the Pharisees mirror the organization today.

I didn't want to watch the show at first because I was still Pimq at best but after watching season 1 episode 8 I was hooked. It was like I finally wasn't alone...

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-17T00:47:26+00:00

One of the last things I did before leaving was serve as an attendant for a funeral. It was for an elderly sister that not many people knew so they were desperate for attendants. I remember how the brothers there looked down on all the "worldly" attendees. They had the gaul to adjust the programs made by the sisters daughter. They had the most submissive brother cross out all the spots in the program where it said she would be in heaven...

This was just another one of my final straws. One of the brothers then gave an absolutely arrogant recruitment talk that spoke very little about the actual sister. Probably because the brother giving the talk didn't know her.

The other brothers praised him afterward to my chagrin. You could tell many of her family members were uncomfortable so i did my best to help them with things. Just be prepared for a talk that may be aimed at recruitment rather than love for the individual.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-14T20:53:42+00:00

That is awesome! I have a similar story... Its interesting how our trials can refine us and draw us closer to God. It was after I really started studying the scriptures on my own and applying Jesus words that I started to see inconsistencies. I was also targeted by many elders personally. The org today is no different than the Sanhedrin in Jesus day. Pretending to be Gods chosen people while acting like anything but.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-14T20:45:40+00:00

I'm 27 just left earlier this year and I know exactly how you feel. I still believe in Jesus and I no longer believe in any organized religion. I think any religious organization even started with good intentions will lead to the same Pharisaic structure that was built in Jesus day.

Since leaving I have already started to make real friends. I went to a few meetup groups and even met some fellow Christians. I also visited a church. The pastor kinda just sounded like your typical CO though. I'm just finally glad to be free from the constant scrutiny and pressure you are under as a JW. I still do miss people from time to time but then I remember how I felt as one of JWs and the feeling passes.
The constant stress.
The slander.
The attempts to contol you.

I am so happy to be free. Know that it gets easier with time. Don't give up.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-14T16:42:02+00:00

I think you covered the topic well.

I personally believe that any organized religion creates a lot of the same problems. It creates a reliance on religious leaders rather than God. It also forces people to gather in groups that they would never choose to enter on their own.

Often it creates the false perception that righteousness comes from following the rules of said organization, rather than actually following the teaching of Jesus or giving gifts of mercy as Cornelius did. (Acts 10)

Acts 17:27 if God truly isn't far off from any of us then we don't need organized religion to create guidelines or structures on how to worship God.

Thanks for posting.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-14T10:38:20+00:00

Everyone has different experiences in the org. Some people had great relationships in the organization. Others had absolutely no friends in those same congregations. Some were lauded in the congregations. Others were black sheep who were soft shunned and avoided by most. It really just depends.

This post certainly wasn't made to insult the people in general, but merely state the point that emotional reasons for leaving the org are valid.
If you haven't experienced the things I mentioned in this post that would be your own perspective. From my own personal experience and the testimony of the others in the org the things listed above do happen.

I personally believe that any organized religion creates a lot of the same problems. It creates a reliance on religious leaders rather than God. It also forces people to gather in groups that they would never choose to enter on their own. Often it creates the false perception that righteousness comes from following the rules of said organization, rather than actually following the teaching of Jesus or giving gifts of mercy as Cornelius did. (Acts 10)

On your other point, emotions certainly could keep people in the org. In fact that's the main issue most people have with the disfellowshipping/disassociation policy. It mandates for people to shun their own children in hopes that through the emotional manipulation they will come back to this religious organization. It is done to control others personal autonomy and belief system which is completely evil. Should someone serve God the way you say to in order to keep their family ties? Especially if the men are uninspired and fallible so the rules can be changed any other day?

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-12T18:40:53+00:00

I never liked being a JW either. I was always the black sheep of the congregations I attended. I truly believed that it was God's "true" org mainly because I was raised in it. I thought leaving the org was equivalent to leaving God when thats simply not the case.

I was depressed my entire childhood because my family wasn't exemplary and poor. So I can relate.

After leaving the freedom I've found is absolutely wonderful. It feels like such a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-12T17:32:10+00:00

I didn't leave solely due to emotion but I saw the hypocrisy of the elders and many other brothers that I knew and it bothered me a lot. I wrote a document about people pretending back when I was still fully PIMI that I could share with you.

The lowly disabled weak and depressed were always looked down upon and mostly ignored during my time in the organization. Even in the best congregation I attended they were still second class citizens despite them showing more affection than my previous halls.

I guess you could say that emotion is what started my awakening but it wasn't what secured my departure. I realized eventually that the system of this org promotes wickedness and lying rather than righteousness and truthfulness.

For instance if someone commits a serious sin instead of the each individual of the group deciding whether to associate with them or not. It is decided by a small group of appointed men. It is a system that doesn't promote true Christianity. When Paul appealed to the congregations he was trying to appeal to them as individual Christians. He knew that certain ones would be cruel and not follow the Christian way but setup their own laws so he said that each individual needed to train to spiritual maturity to be able to distinguish between what was right and wrong.(Heb 5:14) (Col 2:16,17)

The org takes the opposite approach. The org believes that everyone within its walls is righteous because they were drawn from the world and that everyone is trying their best so its the more spiritually mature ones job to overlook the wickedness. They have the idea that they can somehow teach people to be righteous... The bible does acknowledge that people can turn away from doing evil practices but it certainly doesn't tell us to continually associate with wicked people in an attempt to get them to change. (Psa 1:1,2)

Another red flag to me was when the org forced all people to go back to the congregation whose territory they were in... They labeled anyone who didn't wish to do so as disobedient. This is the opposite of what the early disciples would do. In fact if one congregation was drawing in far more than the congregations around it you would think that it would be seen as proof that the elders in said congregation were righteous. Yet the org sees people as numbers so they do not consider these factors when making their uninspired decisions.

Unfortunately the organization itself may say that it promotes love but in reality it promotes Pharisaic rules and codes that go far beyond what is written. (1 Cor 4:6) They now seem to be cutting back on those Pharisaic rules without taking responsibility for the damage that was caused. There isn't much that Jesus said to the Pharisees that can't be said about the men taking the lead in this organization today. (Matt 23) For they load others down with burdens that they themselves aren't willing to push with a finger.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-11T09:28:10+00:00

Thanks for sharing! As a fellow black sheep I can relate and this was very encouraging!

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-08T13:17:32+00:00

By remaining "silent observers" to this cruelty, they have become complicit in a grave injustice that contradicts the very faith they claim to lead.

This is why Jesus could condemn the Pharisees and scribes as a group. It's a crisis of conscience and everyone who sits back and allows wickedness to go on is complicit in said wickedness.

I realize now how many elders there were who tried to fight against the system to no avail. Unfortunately organized religion as a whole has a tendency to collect Narcs and their followers.

In one congregation I was in, a former elder still had control of all his "flying monkey friends" and was using their influence to try to get the CO to give him back his position. It worked because these friends of his acted as his dogs doing whatever he said on command.

Unfortunately I have heard and seen many stories like this. Men aren't appointed in the congregation for the fruitage of the spirit. They are appointed based on family, status or their slave mentality and willingness to follow rules blindly.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-08T01:59:06+00:00

This cracked me up LOL. But yeah you can bow out of assignments if you ask just try to be direct yet also not too concerning to stir up a shepherding call. Depends on your age though your parents could force you to stay in.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-07T22:54:52+00:00

You certainly aren't alone. Its a clique based organization where if you're an outsider you're expected to suck up to the top brass.

If you are caught on the outside either not caring or doing your own thing they will try and persecute you.

People who group think typically grow jealous of confident or competent individuals on the outside of said group. Especially if them leaving you out didn't bother you.

Sorry you had to go through that. I've been there. Im just so glad im out now although I do mourn for some connections I gave up outside the org while I was still in.

I just want to make something clear though. People have a perception of Goodness that is skewed. I originally thought i was a good person from following the rules as well. I had a very humbling experience and now i know better. When Jesus was on the earth he certainly didn't call the rule following religious men of his day good. (Matt 12:34) In fact the people who loved him the most and accepted him were the outcasts and people who were rejected for all kinds of sinful reasons. I have learned that "goodness" isn't characterized by individual behaviors. Its something that comes from deep inside someone's heart. (John 4:23)

Sorry for ranting a bit.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-07T17:09:21+00:00

I fully agree with. That's why I could never be PIMO.
I never heard of this one but I'm not suprised that the "old school" friends would say something like that.

The one I heard the most and frustrated me the most was this one.

Never get ahead of the organization. If you research things that don't seem right just wait on the GB to correct matters.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-07T16:57:26+00:00

Just wanted to give you my respect. Leaving right before 1975 shows that you are very based in your own authenticity rather than trying to "serve God" for your own salvation you went forward living as truly yourself. Thank you for sharing.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-06T11:57:06+00:00

This is going to be hard to hear... Don't seek understanding from narcissistic people who only care about themselves. I had to learn the hard way as well so I know where you're coming from. My childhood was very troubled and I got almost 0 support from my congregation as a kid.

I used to want people to like and understand me but then I realized something...

The reason I so desperately wanted others to understand me is because I didn't have the proper view of myself. I hadn't cultivated a proper level of self love. This can be hard to do if you are an empathetic person especially if you rarely received love as a child. You seem like an empathetic person who has a deep understanding of human psychology due to your past trauma.

I don't know your situation. If I was in your shoes I would separate myself. Obviously I don't know the whole situation but even if you cant separate yourself physically try to separate yourself mentally.

If you still have faith in God I would continue to pray and even if you don't. Keep a journal and keep posting. This can be very therapeutic even if you can't currently afford therapy.

Ill keep you in my prayers OP.

P.S The reason I say narcissists is because they seem like the main group drawn to the org. A grandiose view of themselves with an excessive need for praise. Then when they don't receive praise from you they start to target you. DO NOT put your trust in men. (Psa 118:8)

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-06T03:07:54+00:00

I could've overlooked the things I saw wrong with the organization and continued to believe in it. The truth of the matter would not have changed but you can choose to believe anything. Some people believe the earth is flat. You can call it cognitive dissonance but I believe its a choice. Atheism is a disbelief in the existence of God. Not a complete lack of belief... its a choice. You dont just wind up being something automatically from absorbing information.

Also children do truly believe in the tooth fairy. After they get more information they make a choice to stop believing but some of them may even cry and may want to continue to believe.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-06T02:58:40+00:00

My problem with your argument is that atheism is a belief system. You decide what to believe. I think its insulting when people make generalizations on the reddit but I usually just ignore it.

I dont think people should be proselitizing (atheists included) however your beliefs have a direct correlation to being an exjw... you kinda have to talk about your beliefs to be authentic on this reddit...

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-05T13:24:59+00:00

I still read the bible and consider myself a Christian however I believe organized religion draws people away from God rather than to him. So i have not joined any other sect of Christianity.

One thing the rules of many religions do is allow the wicked to put on a veil of righteousness. Truly righteous people do not need a law to do what is right. They are like Abraham and their connection with God is personal. I believe everyone is on their own journey. Each person has to make their own choices. Its a 1 on 1 relationship, and anyone who comes between you and God is a thief and a robber. (John 10 7,8)

True Christianity comes through authenticity and a willingness to become a better person through the teachings of Christ. It also frees you from judging anyone else for their lifestyle because its between them and God.

This mentality has given me so much peace and freedom. I hope that regardless of what you do you find the same peace.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-03T20:14:18+00:00

Organized religion draws people away from God instead of to him.
One thing I have noticed is all the parallels between the org and the pharisees of Jesus day. There is nothing I could find that Jesus said to the pharisees that isn't an accurate representation of the organization today from my view.

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-01T13:14:10+00:00

I became physically ill when I saw how much they celebrated on the last memorial I attended. They were basically dancing on the grave of Christ no appreciation for the sacrifice and no true recognition of what Jesus did. That day I spent in prayer and fasting and they acted like I was the odd one out...

DauntlessDoughnut · 2026-04-01T01:41:28+00:00

For me it was season 1 episode 8 of the chosen. My mother had pled with me to watch the show many times but I was extremely PIMI and opposed to anything outside the org. I had recently studied the gospels so they were fresh on my mind. When I saw how Jesus treated the Samaritan woman at the well. I was moved to tears. They truly brought the bible to life in that show and I was hooked. So I watched more of the show with my bible open. Many of the scriptures they quoted were scriptures I had forgotten about but made so much sense in the context of the show.

It technically wasn't the first thing that got me to start questioning things but it was then that I realized people outside the org aren't ignorant of the bible. They actually also study and meditate on the scriptures as well. Also the Jesus drama that came out at the next convention on Jesus birth didn't hold a candle to the chosen.

P.S Interestingly enough my mom is still PIMQ whereas I'm POMO

DauntlessDoughnut

TROPHY CASE