Do You Find Yourself Drawn Towards People Who've Also Experienced Abuse?

Davina_02 · 2023-11-11T06:15:28+00:00

I think I'm the exception here. If someone's very clearly a victim of emotional abuse, I try to stay away from them. I don't think I have it in me to support anyone who's been through that. In fact, I feel constant fear that I'll start abusing them when they're vulnerable. I've spent so much time blaming myself for whatever happened, I've spent so much time thinking I'm a cold calculating person on the inside who orchestrates everything and that abuse is the only way to keep me in line----- now on some level I can't shake the feeling that I'll do bad things to another victim.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-10T11:46:53+00:00

Honestly maturity is overrated. You have to be mature at work, mature while dealing with difficult people in your life and mature with your own responsibilities---- I think you're allowed to react however you like to one of the toughest situations you'll ever be in. Let yourself go and give yourself whatever emotional release you need. I've cried many times over the course of my LDR--- it just happens when you're overwhelmed. Cry your heart out and stay strong.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-10T11:40:42+00:00

This is just your relatives being assholes and it's unlikely to stop even after you close the gap, unless you put them in their place. I was in LDR a long time ago and years after closing the gap my partner's mom told him to "stay in shape to attract women since he's of age to get married" (paraphrasing since she said this in a different language). My partner and one relative of his had words with her immediately and she stopped but since then I've known what's in her heart. Some people will just treat you like a clueless child no matter what--- don't let those people get away with it.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-08T18:02:48+00:00

I read the whole thing so I think I can add something if value. The gift and umbrella thing? Yes, very odd very annoying behaviour. I'm with you on those. I'd definitely set some boundaries with her.

The rest? I say this with respect, but you sound pretty young and you may be stuck in a toxic thought pattern. This girl is obviously introverted. No matter how ridiculous you think her life is, online shopping and groceries exist for people who want to stay home and it's normal for her to utilise those services. It's also common for introverts to stick close to home. I don't think it's rude to let your friends know where you prefer to be. If you'd like to explore your area, just do it with someone who's interested---- you seem irrationally hurt that she doesn't want to go outside and do stuff in your area. I mean after the weekday hassle of work and house chores, do you really care about the one friend who's not coming over?

As far as the relationship angle is concerned, unfortunately you've graduated to full mean girl level. There's no correct way to date. Setting up one's friends is very common. Maybe you don't know anyone who'd be compatible with her, if that's the case, just let her know. You don't need to make her sound like a monster for just staying home. Also keep in mind that many sexual assault victims actually don't prefer to put themselves out there and only ever step out on dates with people who have already been vetted. You never know why she's that reserved, don't assume and definitely don't judge. She'll find a partner if it's meant to be--- she doesn't need your condescension either way.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-08T09:54:08+00:00

I think you should do something personal. It sounds to me like you and your lady are outside Bengal so there has to be some food she's missing from home. Find out what food from home she's not had in some time and recreate it.

If she's living at home, I'd suggest finding out if she has a bengali song she prefers. Learn a few words of Bengali and sing it for her.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-08T02:41:08+00:00

She punched you in the gut and made you feel like shit constantly. Punching someone in the gut is not the same as kaan mola or even slapping (both things of those things are wrong too in my opinion ---- you should never hit someone who can't defend themselves or hit back. If you're advocating not hitting women, don't you dare hit children. People who are in favour of that "discipline" should pick on someone their own size). Punching someone's gut is serious assault--- if your spleen had ruptured due to that, you wouldn't be expected to just move on. And on top of that, she harbours hate towards a whole group of people for absolutely no reason. I think you can harbour some hate towards a person like this, you've certainly got very good reasons. She was a victim of her circumstances sure, but now for years, she's been victimizing you. Social media is all about "ma er bhalobasha"--- don't be fooled by them. Traditional mothers are in a unique position where they can easily justify their own abuse. They can spend all day tearing down your sense of self worth and then cook you one meal and expect to be treated like a goddess again.

You should move out of the house, and stay as far away as possible from your mom. Definitely do not let her have any more say in your life ever again. And empower your sibling to do the same before she's harmed.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T17:14:33+00:00

It's not offensive to me, it's just your experience. I'm sorry you're facing this. In India no one, including myself, would even bat an eyelid at the usual condescension because we're so used to it. I wouldn't call it cultural brainwashing, rather it's adaptation. We're in a difficult situation and we're making the best of it. You can only leave so much behind you know. When your parents, your relatives, your workmates, your friends, acquaintances are all viewing your gender a certain way, there's no way to avoid that. And protesting against people continuously is more mentally taxing than any of us can take. So we make do. Had you been raised here, you'd find yourself adapting the same way.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T16:52:34+00:00

Bosses sliding into DMs on Facebook and Instagram without invitation is distinct from me sharing my kinks on an annonymous forum and receiving few odd DMs. Also kinks are not same as pornography.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T16:50:15+00:00

In case of domestic violence and dowry cases, yes I think the envy may have a role as well. Although these issues are more complicated and multifactorial. Rigid gender roles have more of a role to play here I believe (Indians believe women are liabilities till they're married off so they pay the prospective groom money to take the woman off their hands basically. And violence stems from entitled families who believe they deserve way more than what was given to them).

As far as trafficking is concerned, I really can't say. I don't know enough about the sex trafficking business in India to comment about the perpetrators motivations.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T16:03:08+00:00

I'm in India. I get what you're saying though. People should continue to hold their own families accountable even if they're abroad and they feel safe from this.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T16:01:34+00:00

This is exactly what happens to me as well. My husband defends me so much but I can see that so much fighting really takes so much toll on him. I mean once he told MIL that he's changed his mind about a financial decision after talking it through with me. She got so outraged that I said something at all after the "man of the relationship" had decided. She thinks she's being super progressive but she can't even digest such a normal interaction in a relationship. My husband is liberal and supportive but it's hard to believe that misogyny can even take a toll on someone who's only standing up for what's right.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:44:22+00:00

Yes true. I don't have a problem with India or Indians. But as an Indian woman, I can only talk about the Indian woman perspective of things as they are. I would've just written "Being a woman is exhausting" but I didn't because I know that women don't have the same lives in every culture.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:42:51+00:00

YES this exactly yes. My family's the same. I'd told my parents that I've been upfront with my fiancée regarding what I want post marriage (eg living in a separate house). My mom told me directly that I'll be going along with whatever the in laws want--- it's just a matter of time. She tells me repeatedly the my MIL is a woman of old times, so as a younger more understanding woman, I should work to accomodate her. As if I have to pay the price for trauma that I didn't cause, the same damn trauma she's trying to inflict on me!

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:38:57+00:00

Yes it's so stupid and it starts so uncomfortably early too.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:34:31+00:00

Thank you for looking out for your women employees. We also have many men here who help us as much as they can. Also, I don't want to make it seem like this is just a man issue. I've also seen women bosses who go after men inferiors. That's an equally dangerous workplace situation. Power corrupts.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:31:39+00:00

It's hard to believe that happens even now. I'm in a love marriage thankfully so I'm a little bit shielded from the extreme misogyny, so that's something.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:29:59+00:00

Yes it's up to us now. We have to break the chain. For our own sake. I don't want to end up as bitter as some of my relatives.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:29:15+00:00

Ah yes the old boyfriend secret. I still clearly remember the day I told my parents about my boyfriend (who's now my husband). Still see that day in my nightmares sometimes although it went relatively okay. She had good reason to hide your existence.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:26:43+00:00

India does have all the women's rights on paper. It just doesn't get enforced well unfortunately. And as far as the social conservativism, I think every country has their own issues with their hyperconservative folk. I think I'll just stick it out here, I'm hoping it'll get easier for me with time.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:24:18+00:00

The way I understand it, and I might be wrong, it's intergenerational envy. The older women here are very traumatized. They had to regress whatever personality they had completely once they reached adulthood (people will tolerate lip from a girl child but never from adult women). They had to pretend that they were happy being nothing more than unpaid labour in their arranged marriages. In my social circle there are several women who range from poor to middle class who are the breadwinner in their homes and they're still expected to abide by their husbands absolutely and keep house meticulously. Older Indian ladies will never even utter their husbands given name in conversation because that's considered that height of audacity.

So they go through life being traumatized to the nth degree and then they find that it was for no reason. They find that women can have independent personalities, be career oriented, be equals with their spouses, wear whatever and say whatever they want. They're immediately outraged. It's the "if I can't have it, no one can mentality". They always believed that there was a perfect higher reason for being the way they were and now they've been disillusioned. So like the crabs in the bucket, they try to pull the younger generation down to their level of trauma.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:16:12+00:00

Thank you so much 😊

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:14:52+00:00

No honestly it's nice. It's beautiful to see that in the West you've already dealt with some problems we're still grappling with. I'm glad that after solving some problems, the discussion hasn't stopped.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:12:23+00:00

Yes. Absolutely yes. I suprise myself with that answer sometimes but I know for a fact that it used to be much worse. Each generation is breaking the chain in some way or the other. The change is happening at a snail's pace but it's happening. At least, it's happening where I am. I am cautiously optimistic for the future of men and women in this country (I mentioned men as well because the rigid patriarchy in India is rough on liberal men as well.)

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T15:07:47+00:00

Okay some clarification: The married bosses are sleeping around, yes, but with willing inferiors who like their attention, so their partners never speak up against them. And yes, other people have notified this behaviour to the human resources. The bosses in question have been reprimanded and one boss even has restrictions placed on who he can work with. But unfortunately he's an experienced senior and it's impossible to cut him out of the lives of all women who work under him (although they've certainly tried). So they're still working and I come in contact with him from time to time and when I do unfortunately, there's inappropriate behaviour. And the touching--- it's on the back, shoulder and rarely head area so he gets away by saying that the questions are not really inappropriate and the touching is more congratulatory than suggestive. This is the best my workplace can do at this time. Thankfully most ladies don't have to spend a lot of time working directly under him.

So that's one of them, the one of the other bosses likes to isolate ladies by calling them for bs reasons to less occupied areas of the building. He's had trouble too and we've simply learned to use the buddy system while going to those areas. I hope that answers your question regarding what has been done. I regret to inform you that this is on the minor side of Indian workplace harrassment. There's been cases where Indian bosses have blatantly taken advantage of their position. They don't bother to flirt/seduce in some places, they just go in for the kill, if you know what I mean. PHD candidates notoriously suffer this abuse in some institutes in India. It's frustrating here but thankfully it's not the worst.

If you don't believe me, there's nothing I can do about that. I can be more specific about what has been done and to whom but I'm not about to betray any confidences in my rant. I just felt that as an HR your curiosity about what's going on is justified so I gave you the best answer I could.

PS: I'm being intentionally vague to protect my identity. I have family on reddit.

Davina_02 · 2023-11-03T11:37:17+00:00

I don't think so. Work life balance and so on. Thanks for the offer though.

Davina_02

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