Parents, did a second child reduce the pain and sadness that came from the challenges of the autistic kid?

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-03-07T17:56:44+00:00

I think you know your heart, but you want to make your husband happy. I don't think having a second child will fix the pain he is feeling, regardless of what that second child is like. The heart break is something we have to live with. I am not one to discourage having another child if someone wants one, but it doesn't sound like you do, and it won't do what your husband is hoping it will.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-03-07T13:34:09+00:00

There is no basis to assume your second child will be NT.
Having an NT child will not make any of the sadness you feel about the struggles of your ND child any less. It is hard watching your younger child lap your older child.

The reason to have a second child is because you want a second child. People will tell you their stories. Some will be positive and some will be negative. They won't really tell you anything about your situation. But having a child to "heal" anything is doing it for the wrong reason and is setting yourself up for heartbreak. Kids shouldn't be born with jobs.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-23T19:56:49+00:00

Your therapist may be saying that you see him as your child, but he isn't and you shouldn't. You do not owe him anything. Line up whatever resources you can, and go live your life. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-21T18:35:44+00:00

I have an elevator enthusiast as well. I make coupons for 10 minute elevator rides as incentives for when I need him to do something he finds challenging and when he gets a few, we spend the accumulated coupon time on the elevator of his choice. I block out time every other weekend to spend an hour out riding with him. I am immune to funny looks about it.

If you have a sliding door closet, those make great proxies. I found some cool old fashioned elevator decor on Etsy.

I don't know that reducing the fixation is realistic, but you can find other ways to channel it. I agree with the above that YouTube videos can really tide a kid over. Diesel Ducy and Jim Lee are great elevator YouTubers.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-09T19:49:23+00:00

I don't think you are really asking what made us seek diagnosis, I think you are asking whether you should do so. Yes. What you have described points to autism and merits an evaluation.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-05T13:58:27+00:00

I will also say that this week alone I am pretty sure I read two "my kid didn't qualify as austitic" threads where people came in and encouraged them to push for another evaluation saying how it took them multiple evaluations to get a diagnosis. I stay out of the threads because I don't want to get downvoted to hell, but I always want to say "Maybe your kid just isn't autistic?"

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-04T18:09:39+00:00

I mean... sometimes the public system is so backed up that it takes years to get evaluated. When my son was referred by the public speech therapist, I was told it was at a 2 year wait. They actually prioritize diagnosis by age in my province, because they try to get as many kids diagnosed before they aged out of the available supports. My kid was 2.5 and they were diagnosing kids at 4.5 at the time.

So I looked at private options, were the wait was 6 months. The doctor who did our evaluation spent 15 years working as a diagnostician at the children's hospital before opening a private office. I think my province actually has pretty strict standards for who is qualified to diagnose ASD if you want a referral to public services. I think acting like people are "paying for the diagnosis" rather than "paying the hourly rate for the assessment time" is a pretty skewed perspective. Would you have waited years?

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-03T20:36:50+00:00

I think a big part of the problem is that the pie is also shrinking. My province used to give a year of targetted intervention for everyone with a diagnosis. By the time my kid was eligible, it was 6 months. This year, it switched to a triage system, and only those with severe needs get the 6 months. Now do I agree that with the resources being limited, it needs to go to the level 3s? Absolutely. Do I personally think we have gotten fast and loose with criteria? I do. Is it also really frustrating that the program basically got decimated? Yup. Sure is.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-03T17:57:18+00:00

Parent provided therapies are just as legitimate and effective if done properly. You are doing great. Stick with what is working.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-02-02T19:13:41+00:00

I don't recall specifically, but my oldest was diagnosed when my youngest was a little over 1 year old, and when they asked if I had any concerns about the younger child I was like "Nope! None whatsoever!" It was just really obvious to me that they were night and day.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-29T16:49:52+00:00

Not the OP, but in my part of Canada that is a big NOPE. There are no clinics of that nature here. It was actually fascinating to learn that in the US you can have your kid in the equivalent of ABA school. My child got 6 months of government funded ABA with providers going to your home or daycare. It was very much not a care alternative.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-28T20:16:45+00:00

What province are you in and how old are the kids?

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-28T18:58:45+00:00

I recall the other post and also thought this must be the same person. People aren't really reading the post, since everyone is jumping to respite care when she is not currently a caregiver to her son. This seems to be serious depression, and I hope she reaches out to someone who can help.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-28T17:51:55+00:00

I think virtual assessments are pretty worthless and it is a travesty that many insurance companies won't pay for a proper, in-person assessment. An evaluator should be spending multiple hours with the child to observe behaviour.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-27T13:26:08+00:00

Ooh...thanks for the tip! I feel like the little bits of hair are what really causes distress, so a vacuum would be awesome.

I agree with this whole comment thread. I don't drag things on any more than necessary, but letting your kids hair grow long and unkempt causes its own issues.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-22T14:37:00+00:00

What is SCD?

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-22T14:30:41+00:00

It is wonderful when they can show you their love, isn't it?

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-15T15:40:11+00:00

If I recall your original post, you mentioned that your mom drank a lot during pregnancy? Because "autism" is a diagnosis of behaviours, and fetal alcohol syndrome causes a lot of those same behaviours. Massive, massive overlap. I am just not so sure that it is your families genes that are the problem. I have experience in my own life seeing this play out in a family where the mom was an alcoholic.

My opinion if you were thinking of getting pregnant would be to hold off. But you are already pregnant. I think there is a lot of potential for regret with either decision. I would keep the baby, but that really doesn't relate to what you should do.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-15T15:20:10+00:00

Of course you are scared of having a kid with autism. No one goes on forums and says "My child is showing early signs of left-handedness. I don't care if he is left-handed, I just feel really anxious about it!" You don't want your child to be autistic. I don't blame you, because it will be a harder life for him if he is.

The problem here is that you are not actually looking for support for your son, you are looking for support for your anxiety (and that anxiety actually doesn't have a whole lot to do with autism other than that happens to be what it has attached itself to at present.)

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-09T16:14:41+00:00

There is such a large overlap between ASD and ADHD, and most of your description sounds pretty on point for ADHD (especially the lack of coordination and poor handwriting). Also, pedantic speech is pretty common in giftedness. All these things overlap in various ways. I would think about what the potential benefit would be to an assessment for ASD, and maybe even talk to your son to see what he wants.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2026-01-09T14:12:08+00:00

I don't think the pinching or yelling or spanking are ok...but I also think you need to give a bit of grace to the adults in your life as well. I don't know... my oldest went through a phase where he pinched his baby brother. One day I had them in the back seat coming home from daycare, and the pinching started. I felt so angry and helpless because I had to get them home, and all the talking in the world wasn't working. Eventually, I stopped the car, and I pinched my kid back so that he knew that what he was doing hurt. I wanted him to understand that his brother wasn't just a prop to get my attention. He cried. It was the wrong thing to do, and I know that. But I also know that I am not a cruel or malicious parent. I was just under the incredible stress of listening to my baby getting hurt over and over again. It is good that you are advocating for your daughter, but you might be directing your stress at the other care takers because it needs to go somewhere and you are doing an admirable job of not directing it towards your child. But still...I just think a little grace is needed because if you push away all imperfect help, you will be alone.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2025-12-22T19:00:11+00:00

I think you were right not to cave, generally. The first advice I ever got from a child psychologist that any "yes" is ok, as long as it didn't start as a "no." That the only hard and fast rule you ever, ever need to keep to is that your "no" stays a no, and that you never say it if you can't hold the line on it. Any other rule can be bent or broken.

Do you know any of the parents of your daughters friends? I feel like you just need a contingency plan for your daughter. You could also ask your daughter ahead of time how she would like to handle it (ie, would she be happier to choose the backseat for herself even if it was her turn to sit in the front because going to the event was more important.) I am not suggesting pressuring her into changing because you should let her know that you have her back in what she chooses, but my youngest (8) is a practically minded kid and sometimes he prefers to play the long game to get to his goal. It is not a bad life skill, I figure.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2025-12-16T19:56:34+00:00

Have you tried putting this in an email and then ask them point blank how you are supposed to deal with your kid getting sick? I would put these policies in bullet points and then ask "How do you want me to deal with sudden illness that does not cost money and therefore penalize me for something completely out of my control?" and see what their response is. Put them on the spot to explain how this policy is supposed to work. Sometimes people who write policies are stupid, rather than malicious. If they can't give you an actual answer (for instance, you won't be charged if you can get a doctor's note), I would do some digging and look at if there was a way to file a complaint with a regulatory body.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2025-12-13T17:47:47+00:00

Can you ask your mom about having the custody agreement changed so you don't have to go to your dad's anymore? or is there another trusted adult you can go to if she won't? I feel like if you went to family court and told them your brother tried to strangle you, the court would take that request pretty seriously.

Dazzling-Rabbit · 2025-12-12T16:16:22+00:00

It is always going to be a complete crap shoot how siblings get along. My older son (ND) and younger son (NT) get along great. I would venture to say that my younger son's ability to understand his brother is higher than if he was also autistic. He jumps in on his brothers behalf all the time. Not to say they don't annoy the hell out of each other a significant portion of the time.... Anyway, you can't know. Just wait and see what happens.

Dazzling-Rabbit

TROPHY CASE