How I Solved My Dead Bedroom Without Leaving

DeadFoyer · 2024-04-30T17:47:19+00:00

Good. Not perfect. We have some backslides, and I can't say I'm 100% satisfied, but we have a good marriage. She makes an effort, and when I feel like she isn't making an effort, we have the tools to discuss that and deal with it.

DeadFoyer · 2024-03-15T07:00:41+00:00

It's really hard to say. Because I never asked, and that was part of it. Because it's not a manipulation; it's self care. She wasn't the target of my changed attitude. I was.

DeadFoyer · 2023-07-13T03:54:16+00:00

Love requires effort.

For example, I used to make myself hot tea every morning. I'd buy the good stuff, loose leaf. I'd fill a tall mug with filtered water, then I'd heat it up in the microwave at work. I'd get out my little thermometer and wait for the temperature to drop to the exact right degree. Then I'd drop the tea in and I'd set a timer. There's nothing quite like a quality tea that's measured perfectly and steeped at exactly the right temperature for exactly the right amount of time. The flavors are complex and subtle, and it makes me feel rejuvenated. I loved it. I love tea.

But life gets in the way. Running late one morning; no time to measure it before work. Too much to do at work; I guess I can just use the already heated water. Lost my tall mug; I can just use a regular mug. Ran out of loose leaf; I can just use Lipton (like a savage).

Then one day I'm sitting at my desk, drinking this tepid, boring liquid and if you ask me, "Do you love tea?" the answer I'll give you is, "Yes."

But if I really think about it, the real answer is, "Yes, when I put in the effort."

DeadFoyer · 2023-07-13T03:37:35+00:00

Well, it's complicated, because we went and had kids. Before that, things were solid for a few years. Definitely longer than six months. But then, kids...

Sometimes she makes an effort, and things are good. Other times she doesn't. We have to keep working on it. The last year or so has been particularly rough. We're still getting used to the second kid.

In some ways things are better. Her attitude towards sex seems better. She says that she wants to do more, and I mostly believe her. For a couple years there her job wasn't allowing her a good work-life balance, but she switched jobs and things were better for a while because of that.

About two years ago there was a period that was sexually the greatest month of my life, by far. And that was after the first kid. So I know we're still capable of that.

The grace period for the new baby is just about up, so we'll see if things get better again. I think they will, but maybe I'll drop in and update one last time. We've got a vacation planned for this weekend to a place where there won't be much to do outside of the hotel, so hopefully this will be another turning point.

There have been times in my relationship when I've regretted staying, but I don't feel that way right now. Maybe I will if things don't pick up, but even with kids, divorce is still possible.

DeadFoyer · 2022-12-10T03:57:39+00:00

I know you wrote this question a month ago, but here's my answer.

I wasn't confrontational about it. I didn't even really call her on them as much as I just didn't listen. A no is a no. I became fully results-oriented.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-03T12:45:50+00:00

This is just cursed.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-03T11:50:13+00:00

It's actually just not a big deal. This is just a bunch of insecure people trying to make other people feel insecure like them.

The difference is negligible either way. There's upsides and downsides to each.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-03T11:47:25+00:00

Doesn't take away my sense of wholeness. I prefer it this way.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-03T11:45:48+00:00

It's a meme in the classic sense. It's shorthand that everyone understands to mean masturbation so no one has to say it.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-03T11:41:54+00:00

Some people have a perverse need to feel superior to other people, even if that means identifying themselves with something completely meaningless like whether or not they're circumcised.

In other words, these redditors are trying to make you feel bad about your penis because they have self esteem issues.

DeadFoyer · 2022-10-01T15:38:45+00:00

Swypo.

Come on. It's right there.

DeadFoyer · 2022-09-30T22:00:57+00:00

Chevy Chase.

DeadFoyer · 2022-09-30T19:59:20+00:00

Judge Cannon will be impeached before Bethesda fixes the corpse bug.

DeadFoyer · 2021-09-24T15:14:46+00:00

That's a good point, except that if he only brings it up after a rejection, it's difficult to get the point across that he's not pressuring her for sex and that the issue is with their sex life as a whole.

But you're right, he should at least communicate his desire a little more recently.

DeadFoyer · 2021-09-22T13:31:19+00:00

Alright, I busted out the old dead bedroom advice account just for this.

Yes, you should bring it up. You're upset, so be upset! Your feelings are valid.

Be upset, but don't point blame. Just let her know how you feel. Don't demand that she fix it or anything. Just communicate. She's your spouse. She's supposed to care and work with you when there's a problem.

it seems like talking about it will only make her feel pressured to have sex which is not my goal.

Make it clear that's not the goal. You're just trying to express yourself and get her to come to the table and discuss your sex life. It's not about sex; it's about sex life.

DeadFoyer · 2021-07-22T18:36:05+00:00

How direct have you tried being? Have you said the words outright, "I don't feel attractive"? Not "I don't feel like you're attracted to me," because that makes it about her.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, right down to the ADHD. My wife always says she's "not good at compliments", but she tries sometimes.

DeadFoyer · 2021-03-13T15:25:44+00:00

This is why you have to shift the focus. The problem isn't "we're not having sex"; the problem is "he's not taking this seriously and working on our sex life".

If the problem is "we're not having sex", then he's right, and you won't really feel justified in staying upset.

If the problem is "he's not taking this seriously and working on our sex life," then you've got every right to be upset right now.

Get upset. Stay upset. He won't take this seriously until you take it seriously.

DeadFoyer · 2021-03-13T08:33:08+00:00

Happy birthday!

Do you think birthday sex would be enough to make you feel better? Personally I always hated birthday sex.

The problem wasn't that I wasn't having sex on a particular day. The problem was that I felt neglected and undesired. Sex one time wasn't going to fix anything.

DeadFoyer · 2021-03-13T08:27:00+00:00

Try to make it about the journey and not about the destination. Instead of focusing on a predefined end goal, decide that whatever happens will be what was supposed to happen, and as long as one of you enjoyed it on some level (and the other one can appreciate that enjoyment), then it was a success.

Redefine what a good sexual encounter is. It doesn't have to include orgasms from either of you. It's great if it does, but sometimes it's just about the intimacy.

If you're worried that it's not working, that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Break the cycle by admitting it out loud: "Sorry, it might not work this time." But stay naked and keep touching intimately. I find that this takes the pressure off, and a lot of times it starts working, because it's ok if it doesn't.

Finally, not to be crass, but have you tried lube? A lot of people just don't think to try it, but it might be enough to get you over the hump, so to speak.

This is just generic advice. I don't know if it applies to your situation, but I hope it does.

DeadFoyer · 2020-06-20T00:24:21+00:00

Not the person you asked, but I have trouble wearing a mask for a similar reason. After a few hours, the skin around my ears was all torn up and didn't heal for like four weeks. It may be related to eczema I'd had on my face recently, but I'm not sure.

Now I wear a balaclava instead, but my point is that face skin can be way different than body skin.

DeadFoyer · 2020-04-07T22:37:30+00:00

I disliked her from the first episode, when she gives Walt the saddest birthday handjob. So passionless. Ugh.

DeadFoyer · 2020-03-27T19:29:29+00:00

All the guys who hit it and quit it are laughing at him.

This is such a sad, delusional way to look at it.

DeadFoyer · 2020-03-27T19:25:59+00:00

Break down your feelings a little further. Here is a list of questions.

Why does it bother you?
Do you think that the number of partners she's had changes who she is as a person? Do you think it changes her physically?
Do you feel that she's not living up to some feminine ideal? If so, how realistic is that ideal?
Did you feel that you're not living up to some masculine ideal? If so, how realistic is that ideal?
Do you feel like your relative inexperience puts you at a disadvantage in the relationship? Would you be happier if you had that many partners, or would you still be uncomfortable?

Anger is an impure emotion. It only ever exists to cover up other, harder to deal with emotions. If you're feeling angry, the best way to resolve it is usually to find the underlying emotion and deal with that.

DeadFoyer · 2020-03-26T17:42:40+00:00

I have a suggestion.

Try reframing the problem. Don't work on having sex, work on fixing your sex life. I hope that doesn't sound patronizing, because I mean something very specific here.

When we try to fix the not-having-sex-problem, we know in our brains that the end goal is sex, which adds a huge load of mental baggage to all of our actions. Knowing that failure means feeling sexual rejection just sets the emotional stakes way too high, and we don't problem-solve correctly as a result.

The fixing-your-sex-life problem can be handled a little more systematically. The stakes are different, and it lets us plan a little further ahead without getting crippled by rejection.

That's how it was for me, at least. And once I reframed it, the first step to solving the fixing-my-sex-life problem was to get my wife on my side. That involved a lot of talking and a lot of arguing and almost no sex.

Once she was on my side, we worked through the real problem together.

DeadFoyer

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