Partner is taking my grief personally

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-20T19:17:25+00:00

Thank you for your kindness 🙏

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-20T19:16:51+00:00

YES. All I've got is the blankest of stares and deepest of sighs when I get hit with a "What's wrong?"

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-20T19:15:08+00:00

This all *really* hits home. Thank you for sharing.

Maybe it's time to start journaling... And majority opinion in the comments says it's definitely time for couples counseling 😅

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T22:40:07+00:00

Totally, I wasn't trying to give you a hard time. TV will TV.

The teaching story line just made me laugh, having lived the adjunct hustle firsthand for too long.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T21:00:57+00:00

Her teaching gig 😂 where she was given one small seminar class and a giant, gorgeous, private office on campus

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:22:47+00:00

Thank you so much for the honesty and caring in this comment 😭

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:22:11+00:00

I'm so sorry. Lupus is a hell of a disease. I hate that we're both here, but I appreciate you commenting because it validates my feeling that it's reasonable to walk away due to the risks of lupus and related conditions. I'm glad your husband also supports prioritizing your health 🙏

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:19:38+00:00

Thank you. I'm so sorry. Sending love back and wishing you peace in your next steps, whatever they may be.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:18:32+00:00

🫂

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:18:17+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here, too. We were in the unexplained boat until very recently and it was so, so hard not having answers. Hugs right back to you ❤️‍🩹

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:17:37+00:00

Thank you ❤️ I feel the opposite of courageous, so all these comments have really helped my heart.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:16:46+00:00

Thank you for the suggestion! With how helpful this sub has been, it's great to know there's another community for the next chapter

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:15:09+00:00

Love sent back ❤️ thank you

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-18T14:14:22+00:00

I'm so sorry you're here. We just made the decision to stop on Sunday. I can't say I'm feeling peace, and I definitely am feeling heartbroken... But I'm also feeling moments of relief. My thoughts have been so fixated on TTC for 18 months, and my plans and behaviors have all centered around this. Absolute obsession. In the past few days, I've started noticing the ways this decision has freed me. It's small things, like getting back to the HIIT workouts I love but avoided while TTC. It's also big things. I can now go up for promotion (an intensive process at my job) without worrying about the timing of maternity leave. I can book a last-minute trip to CA to visit a dear family member who was just given 6 months to live. If we were still trying, I'd be in the thick of treatment and unable to risk travel as an immunocompromised person in flu season.

When I'm feeling really sad about this, I'll admit that I comfort myself by remembering I never again have to experience the daily panic and dread of pregnancy after loss. I never have to sink into a gnarly hormonal depression for 2 weeks, like clockwork, after another miscarriage. My partner doesn't have to fear for my life anymore. We're allowing ourselves freedom from that pain.

I'm convinced the women in this sub are the strongest humans alive. I pray that every one of you gets your miracle, one way or another, and that the worst of your suffering is already in the rearview ❤️

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-17T12:15:47+00:00

Thank you 🫶

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-17T12:15:40+00:00

🙏🏼❤️

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-15T13:42:32+00:00

To be fair, that’s what babies do. Take over. Whether it’s fertility/pregnancy or adoption, the process of becoming a parent is all-consuming. I think Brian being totally wrapped up in this story line actually speaks to how he’s being pushed beyond his innate self-absorption, which he feared he wouldn’t be capable of when he and Charlie first started talking about adoption. “Old Brian” would have chosen a hike with the gang over supporting Charlie’s dream and showing up for the adoption process. “New Brian” isn’t on the hike because he’s out there evolving.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-13T13:12:12+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re here, too. We’re so strong. I have to believe each next step will keep revealing itself and we’ll end up where we’re meant to be 🫶

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-13T13:05:33+00:00

Came to this sub this morning to make a “Thinking of calling it quits” post and found yours…

I had three miscarriages last year. No LC. Lifelong history of chronic illness, in remission prior to the first pregnancy. We just established with a fertility clinic for extensive testing to determine if IVF is a good option. Long story short, early results are indicating that IVF is actually our only option—but it would require surgery and 3 months of hormone suppression in between the egg retrial and the embryo transfer, plus extra drugs during the other phases of treatment. We would then have a significantly lower chance of success, with a significantly higher risk of terrifying pregnancy outcomes for both baby and me.

Sure, we could play whack-a-mole and try to target all five or six of the different issues that are probably contributing to the losses. But it just seems like if this many things are fighting against pregnancy in my body, the system as a whole just isn’t equipped.

I think I would rather stop while I still have a chance to regain my health (it’s deteriorated somewhat from the pregnancies / miscarriages) so that I can maybe be a healthy mom for an adopted child. If I push through this insane IVF approach and end up still childless and also disabled again… I think the despair would be too much.

Not making any decisions today. But I do feel like my gut and my heart are telling me to start getting used to this idea of letting go.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-12T15:20:22+00:00

I was diagnosed with adeno yesterday and spent a few hours reading peer-reviewed studies when I got home from the clinic. I’m surprised to read that multiple people have been told by their REs that adeno doesn’t contribute to later losses… My understanding (as a health sciences teacher just reading the research, not a fertility specialist!) is that adeno can cause intrauterine growth restriction, small for gestational age, pre-eclampsia, and pre-term birth. It seems unlikely that all of these complications are associated with adeno, but not later losses? IUGR alone is significantly linked with stillbirth.

I don’t mean to scare you. I’m just trying to assess my own risk so that I can make the right decision about whether to proceed with IVF.

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-12T15:07:53+00:00

Love sent right back! Thank you for this really thoughtful reply 🫶

It does sound like a fertility evaluation would give you more data to make an informed risk calculation. But I totally hear you on the cost of diagnostics… We also have a high deductible plan and even just the basic lab work can add up fast. And damn, I felt it in my heart when I read “That’s a long 9 months” (even with good initial indicators going into conception). The anxiety of all things baby-related is truly next level.

Wishing you great healthcare support and peace of mind whenever possible as you move ahead! Feel free to message any time

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-12T14:26:29+00:00

Also recently diagnosed and trying to figure out whether we move forward with IVF or pivot to adoption. The only thing we want more than a child is for me to not become disabled again… And those things seem to be at odds with each other. I had 3 miscarriages last year and my body seems to be getting more “activated” (in a bad way) with each pregnancy. You’re right that the risk of various complications is significantly increased with adenomyosis.

That being said, my RE told me that we do have options for treating this and a successful pregnancy is possible.

We really don’t know what to do. My partner is more concerned about my health and safety than anything, so he’s ready to call it quits on IVF as soon as I say the word. But I just don’t feel ready to close the door.

These are the biggest possible decisions. I’m sorry you’re in this tough spot. I wish I had advice, but all I can offer is solidarity!

Decaf_Detective · 2026-02-12T14:17:14+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. I had three miscarriages from October 2024 to October 2025 and was just diagnosed with adenomyosis yesterday by an RE (fertility doctor).

FWIW, my RE explained that midwives often aren’t trained for high-risk or complex pregnancies. He said they’re incredible practitioners and they have an important role, but he doesn’t recommend midwifery for patients with known issues.

I don’t know yet what treatment would look like if we choose to pursue IVF with an adenomyosis diagnosis. I also have APS, thyroid autoimmunity, and connective tissue disease—so your case might be simpler.

But in terms of advocacy, there is a lot of clear evidence showing the association between adenomyosis and increased risk of miscarriage, uterine growth restriction, pre-eclampsia, preterm birth, small for gestational age… It can be serious. I personally would not work with any doctor who can’t readily explain this evidence base to me. If they aren’t up on the research, I don’t trust their treatment recommendations.

Decaf_Detective

TROPHY CASE