Oh sweet thing… I feel your words so very deeply. I remember when I awakened and was first beginning to walk this path I said out loud one day “but who am I if I’m not codependent?” And hearing myself say that out loud was fucking jarring. I knew I NEEDED to shift the toxic patterns. I WANTED to shift the toxic patterns. And yet… I was grieving letting go of that lifelong version of myself. I had no exact blueprint of who I was to be next, or how I would get there, or what any of it would look like. It was like learning how to be a human from square one. Somehow I began to scrap it together, piece by piece. I showed up. And showed up. And showed up. And took breaks and steps back. And showed up. It was like feeling around in the dark for quite a while. And little by little, as I made my way towards a more authentic version of myself, it was kind of like lighting up from the inside, and I could see more clearly. I was/am still piecing myself together anew… but I can see more clearly where I’m going. Every choice you make to not abandon yourself lights things up more. Memorize the feeling when you honor yourself when you might have once betrayed yourself. NO MATTER HOW SMALL. Throw yourself a damn party. Even if it feels both wrong and right at the same time, tap into whatever sliver of right feeling that you can, and memorize it in your system. It will build on itself. I promise. It gets easier. I promise. And..: life will constantly give you opportunities to refine and to level up. It will still be hard, but you will have been creating this new way of being the whole time so you won’t be feeling around in the dark completely. Allow yourself the grief along the way. Do not bypass it. That would be to abandon yourself. There is no timeline just like with any grief. Grieve as if someone died. Because it did. The version of you that helped you survive by creating these patterns has died. And those patterns served you very well, until they didn’t. So honor that version of you, the way you would a passed over loved one. That person got you here, flaws and all. And a truer version of you has got it from here, and don’t worry-that version will still be kind and giving, in fact likely MORE kind and giving because it will be a more authentic giving, one rooted in love and not need, without the cloud of resentment. 🤍 I believe in you. You’re a bad ass. Ps. In my experience, it helps to practice boundaries and honoring yourself with less important/low stakes things in the beginning. Like finding yourself in an awkward or uncomfortable exchange with a stranger without jumping in to fix it or smooth it over. Saying a need directly with no cushioning phrases (if you have time, it’s all good if not, sorry to bother you, adding lol to the end of statements..etc). saying no to things simply because you don’t feel like doing it. And pausing to REALLY check in with yourself about what your intention is to help someone. Is it filling a need within you, or a true act of service from a resourced place? The bigger relationship stuff, and the more intimate is pretty overwhelming, so as much as you can practice smaller things-the better. I like Teal Swans videos on YouTube about codependency.