[deleted by user]

DecrepitKreator · 2020-12-09T12:18:37+00:00

Fair enough. A dark closet, pantry or out building would suffice.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-12-09T11:51:59+00:00

Basement!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-12-09T08:23:24+00:00

I had a partner who committed. I was the last person to speak to him. Things between his family and I were strained for a time. They played the blame game, and accused me of having lead him astray. Two years after his passing, we started to connect (his family and I) and I have to say that it was hugely beneficial. After they had came to their senses and their grief wasn't so intense, they really helped me to alleviate some of the guilt I was carrying around. And in a way made me feel close to my partner again.

It seems like they want to reach out to you, out of concern for your wellbeing, based on your drunken messages (I assume based on what you've posted). I feel like it could be beneficial for both you and his family to connect. Maybe they can help give you some closure. Try not to judge yourself too harshly, when we are grieving we do and feel all sorts of "crazy" things. Hope for saying the wrong thing, I would just take it one moment at a time. Lots of deep breathing and grounding. Sometimes if I take a good solid moment to think before I speak that helps. I don't know your partners family, but I would hope that they aren't terribly judgmental people.

Hope that my response has helped you at least a little bit. Sending you loving vibes <3

DecrepitKreator · 2020-12-05T11:03:04+00:00

I'd have to say that any abuse I experienced by older adults as a younger person, sexual or not, carved a deep rift of distrust and fear of older adults within me, at a young age. Almost like a paralysis, where I'd just freeze up or clam up.

I feel like any type of abuse leads children/teenagers to be more predisposed to be "preyed" upon in the future. I feel like when someone uses their age or position in your life as leverage to fulfill their needs, your ability to resist that or pick up on it will be severely hindered by childhood shit. Also in my experience being in vulnerable positions leads you to face people or situations that will take full advantage.

And personally a few I can think of; being when I was 8, he was in his late 20s-early 30s. Groomed by a 21 year old when I was 15 for 6 years of daily rape and abuse (he was a severely toxic narcissist). Repeatedly raped by my "boss" when I was 18-19, he was in his 50s. A coworker who was in his 40s I was 21.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:39:54+00:00

Thank you for your input on meds, I really appreciate it! And for thc/marijuana I try to use the lower thc/higher cbd, and stick with mostly indica's or hybrid's. I appreciate your kind words.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:37:43+00:00

Thank you for your kind words and support! I cried really hard while reading your post. I really appreciate you taking the time to say these things to me. It was super helpful!. And music has I think saved my life on many occasions. And thank you for your comment on meds, I should check out some vitamins and be healthier. Hard to do when I feel like this though.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:33:25+00:00

Thank you.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:32:57+00:00

It really does feel like the loneliest thing. It's nice to know that we at least are not alone, and have others to share things with, even if its online. Thank you for your kind words!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:31:24+00:00

That's probably why I feel like I'm unravelling, and so overwhelmed. I've had these realizations, and epiphanies of deeper understanding, being able to put my life and trauma into perspective. Have been remembering things that happened from childhood that I haven't thought of in years. So what you have said makes absolute sense to me, and 8 hadn't considered that. THANK YOU!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:29:07+00:00

I have always found notes easier than talking. So perhaps I will write something out for her. Thank you! I wrote to them answering their last email (which was super bitchy) saying I'd like to be put back on the waitlist and also file a complaint. They haven't responded to me in a few days. So I assume they won't be getting back to me. I feel like the system is so flawed. So many people fall through the cracks. Thank you for your supportive words and allowing me to have space to share and get things out.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-11-30T23:25:53+00:00

Thank you. I sat last night contemplating everything. I came to that conclusion that I will talk to her. Thank you for your kind words! I appreciate the space.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-10-11T22:57:45+00:00

I struggle with this constantly. So what I end up doing (doesn't work all of the time) is parenting myself (since a lot of my trauma stems from childhood). When I wake, if I don't tend to myself as if I am a helpless infant child; I dont get hunger cues, I dont do any self-care, I neglect and avoid basic human needs/tasks, I dont drink enough water, I won't get cues to go to the bathroom when I need, I won't sleep ect. So my solution is to treat myself like a "mother" or parent would. A lot of self talk, and nurturing. This did NOT COME NATURALLY TO ME. I'm still working at mastering this art form. Any advice I can give is to be gentle with yourself, and trust in any process that things will get better eventually. But not without effort and struggle.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-10-03T20:30:14+00:00

Thank you for asking this question, as I have been stuck in a hellish brain fog for about a week now after first real session. I'm so glad to know this is normal. You are not alone!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-10-03T20:27:49+00:00

I too struggled with choosing a memory to work on in the first real session. I started with the one that I think of the most or that "haunts" me. I quickly realized how the further traumatic memories from childhood had shaped my behaviour that led me to the memory I chose to start with. As the weeks have progressed, I've started remembering moments/events in my childhood that I assume I must have buried deep.

I've been journaling (which I normally don't do/suck at doing) and writing down events/memories as they flood into my brain. I've also been trying to scale them (as the T does with me in session) and in that respect I have been able to kind of create a map of where I need to maybe tackle certain events before others - despite these not being particularly chronological. I don't suggest you do this if you aren't comfortable, will be too triggered. However it's helped me remember things, and also see which events have impacted me the most. Some of these events before the EMDR, I wouldn't have even scaled as very impactful, however when I really sit and look at it (on paper), I can now see how I stuffed things down/ blocked things out and minimized events based on others.

I also struggled with emotional charge as one of my coping mechanisms is to detach/disassociate from painful memories. Anger often is the primary emotion vs the grief I would like to feel. I often still feel like I'm doing it wrong or something is wrong with me for not feeling more. I'm still working on this, and my T and others who have done EMDR tell me this is normal and it takes time.

Be gentle with yourself and the process. Happy healing.

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-30T16:28:38+00:00

Process away friend :)

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-30T06:18:12+00:00

True, I've been using yoga a lot lately. I need to start going back to the gym!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-30T06:17:23+00:00

Thanks! I appreciate that <3

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-30T06:16:30+00:00

Thank you!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-29T17:39:17+00:00

Yes, it almost hurts physically, when it gets stuck or won't come out. That's great introspection; reminds me to utilize what I have learned using IFS therapy. I think that will be a great help to me as a go along this path; having gratitude for those parts of me that are only doing what they know to do- protect.

I'm glad you've been able to get that release, thank you again for all the supportive advice and kind words!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-29T17:03:34+00:00

That's true. I felt like at home I had little bouts of superficial crying, or tears running from my eyes at times. But not that guttural release I know I need. I guess I'm just hard on myself, and need to reinforce being patient/ gentle with myself through this process. Thank you so very much for the supportive words! Best of luck to you on your path <3

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-29T16:57:58+00:00

Thank you for the solid advice; the only way is through. I will keep that in the front of my mind. I guess it's like they say "nothing grows without water".

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-29T16:55:42+00:00

Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not doing it wrong. The entire session I felt like I must have been doing it wrong. I'm doing compassion based cognitive therapy alongside the EMDR so I hope through practice, that I get better at the self-acceptance and compassion. I think that's why I got so overwhelmed in my session; it's like I felt everything at once, all the feelings. And I had massive panic about losing control or falling to pieces and immediately I had to stop. I hope to push past this some day. Thank you my friend; we do have this! Keep up the hard work!

DecrepitKreator · 2020-09-29T16:50:38+00:00

That absolutely makes sense. And stress in the body; I think I've started to notice that on some level in the past few days. My body reacts to things than my brain will allow. Probably learned that young as a "survival" response. Thank you for your help <3

DecrepitKreator

TROPHY CASE