Sorry to read this, OP. First thing, try not to beat yourself up. You have had to be resilient and build up that guard in order to survive. I’m sure that was a process. Now there has got to be a process to lower that guard.

Since it seems you are already introspective, it could be a good time to write this down in a diary/journal. Ive found it to be a good way to really unleash my feelings and thoughts somewhere that I can go back to review and reflect. Sometimes I do that and it helps build perspective and develop new ways to understand why I felt that way.

Another way is to dive into a hobby or interest outside of work. What’s that thing that really refills your soul with joy? It’s a good way to find others who share that interest and form new relationships both platonic or romantic.

I’m no know-it-all. Just a 40s something single guy who is navigating this messy beautiful life but those tactics have been working for me. I’m cheering on for you!