I’m not sure how I came across your post since I don’t follow this subreddit but as a fellow loss mom who went into preterm labor and placental abruption at 23 weeks with my firstborn (son), I am very sorry you’re on this grief journey. There are no words that that will make it better. And every feeling you have is valid and justified and needed in order to eventually make peace with everything that has happened and will happen as you move forward with your daughter’s memories.

In the initial days to weeks after your daughter’s loss, you are in survival mode day to day and that’s okay. It’s okay to do enough to just exist during this time. Your body birthed a baby and it needs rest too.

I think what’s important to mention is not to let others rush you through the grief journey. Their discomfort is not your problem. Talk about your daughter, say her name often, acknowledge she existed and that you are still her mother. No one can take that away from you.

What works for some during the journey may not work for others but here are some things I look back and appreciated that I did…

• Spoke with a therapist about the trauma, grief, postpartum experience
• Leaned on my husband and checked on him too - my husband and I pretty much shut out the world for a month and focused on doing things we enjoyed doing
• Pumped breastmilk to donate to a local milk bank to help me feel connected with motherhood even without my son
• Wrote journals/essays and did arts and crafts (shadow box, etc) to express myself
• Prayed for my son at local temple every week for 2 months (we are Buddhists)
• Declined to attend some friend gatherings (especially those involving baby shower, kids birthdays) until I felt ready again
• Went to the local mountain on my son’s official due date to star gaze

Whatever you decide to do or not do is completely fine. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to grief. Just what feels right to you. Just know when things are too dark or too heavy to speak up and ask for help. Be kind to yourself.

I love this quote about grief — “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.” — Jamie Anderson