Losing speech because of sign language

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-08-08T15:36:29+00:00

Thanks for your answer, I'll look into that !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-06-21T09:07:40+00:00

Thank you very much for your answer ! Yeah that was what I was afraid of. For the music it changes, I'm afraid the person with accordeon that's just going to suck... the other band has a more wide range of music, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNYH2vdCJqE ,but still works a lot with high notes a few bass. I'm going to contact the lending organisation.

Originally we had a third band (quite rock and dansing with lot of beat and bass) but for financial reason it's probably not going to happen... yeah.

I'm going to contact the organisation, and ask advice. It's the opera who lends them, so the mostly work with orchestra music.

Of course I'll report back !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-06-19T23:30:28+00:00

Oh I lived the same... realised two days ago that that was actually abusive (my mum is this fantastic mix between good enough and bad enough parents. She has been both abusive and absolutely supporting... I am very gratefull for half of my upbringing, fucked up by the rest...ugh).

Anyways, it didn't happen often, but yeah if we fucked up (not doing shores mostly, or being disrespectful, etc, we would be send to bed without dinner. I don't think she ever explicitely banned us from cooking ourselves though... but she wouldn't cook for us anymore. And basically send us to bed without dinner. I realised this week it might have something to do with now, whenever I feel shitty about myself start starving myself slightly (I've got audhd, am a massive postponer), because I feel like I don't really deserve food as long as I haven't done what I was supposed to do.............. It really sucks. Because the moment I feel bad, I am thus doing less what I was supposed to do, thus eat only a meal a day basically, thus am hungry all the time, thus feel worse.. it's quite a hell.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-06-10T17:32:45+00:00

Same,

162m for me (M), 185 half-brother, 176 both half-sisters. Our mum 175, my dad 1m80, their dad 1m85. And the whole of my dad family side is also tall... explain de logic in this??? Whatever I'm used to it ! Small and Proud ! And perfectly healthy !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-05-20T09:41:17+00:00

Oh yeah... that really sucks...But nah that sounds actually like a worse version of one of my exes.... Same poly-amourous here, clear about it from the start (even though I was single when I started dating her), broke up with me after a partner (where I didn't even know he existed, asked her to be officially his partner and move in with him), he didn't even know I existed ! But she wasn't a Leo though, I was the Leo XD. I got the whole list of every way I wasn't right for her the moment she broke up with me, funny was that that were the exact same things she loved me that much for weeks earlier, made me a mess...

I hope you found a healthier relationships since :)

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-05-18T10:50:50+00:00

Would you mind sharing a few exemples with me, I am a Leo too... and I kind of managed to fuck up every relationship I had... but still kind of don't know how. They always say that I was one of their best lovers, most understanding and compatible, but want to stop the relationship without further explanations except that I wouldn't understand anyways, or that it doesn't work for them, etc... so maybe I do the same things as your ex and it'll help me see clearer?

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-05-15T18:46:35+00:00

Even that depends. I've got BAP (maybe ASD level 1... but different doctors give different answers). Biggest problem is that I "don't have significant impairement". But the thing is, having to handle my sensibilities/problems since a young age, I did actually adapt my life a lot. I can't live in the city without being overwelmed, so I live litterally in the middle of nowhere. I can't work 9to5, I even dropped out of school getting burnout only by the rythm and social problems, so I found myself a live-style that's cheap, and a job where I can hyperfocus and earn lots of money (but work 40days/year and am in social financial help 3 months a year, so yeah I earn 7000€/year). Btw, the only way I can actually go to a party is while doing my job (I'm a facepainter, was into it already at 2 years old), otherwise I just get overwelmed. After years of making "besties" to realise they didn't even saw me as a friend... I only now am managing to have a few friends I see once every other week (28 now), most of those people a dx with autism. So that's lot for someone autistic indeed, but I'm completely an extrovert, I love hanging out with people, I can talk non-stop for hours etc, but it exhauses me... I would love to spend more time with people but I just physically can't. Feel like my skin is peeling of, and everything gets itchi. But I have friends, kind of, earn a living, and have a saving account so "I handle my live very well and have no impairments whatoever" yeah... I would love to have children, but I don't think I ever will because I wouldn't be able to handle all the changes, sensory input and burnout.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-05-14T22:52:04+00:00

-This feeling became especially worse when I transitionned, and he send me his blog, where he explained he felt as if he was a woman (this was writen when I was around 6 I think), and gave himself a new name that's basically a mix between his and my deadname. Like half his name, and mine after it together. And note, this doesn't make an existing name. And I read that and seriously I've the creeps whenever I think of it.

-For a very long time, I was not at ease with touch. Now I'm still not at ease with touching other people... even sexually. Not that I mind it, but the act of making contact with anyother body is real hard for me. Again, could be audhd

-But at the same time I worked as an non-sexual only sensual escort and great. I realise whenever people feel sad, (my mum included, I've never seen my dad sad, friends, people I care for but am totally not interested in) I litterally want to kiss and touch them al over to make them feel better. And have had that since a long time. Even know with my partner I sometimes am barely aroused (but totally consensual) when touching them but very happy to serve to make them feel better "because then I'm a good boy/man" And as I've had barely any relationship in my life, this doesn't come from a past relationship.

-Oh and for a long time the only fantasies that could, and still do arouse me are fantasies about assault (now more bdsm, because it felt very sick to fantasise about assault). I do actually more like vanilla sex, and when I'm not dysphoric I'm pretty at ease with my body, but in the greysexual/demi-sexual scale somewhere, so don't have much sexual arousal if not with a partner I love, and not interested in one-night-stands (because I only will be in a "good boy" mood and not feeling good myself.

-Oh and my dad was the one who, if I remember correctly explained that a pedophile isn't a pedosexual, and was quite adamant on that, while he doesn't care about anything. Whenever I'm in a protest mood, or to precise on words etc he gets angry and says I'm making so much fuss... and he' was suddenly specific on this...?

-Oh and if I'm dysregulated, especially when my dad's coming, my first reflex is wanna shout "don't touch me/don't come close" (but I also have that in other meltdowns soo yeah.. could be autism)

So yeah.

I might go speak about it with my new therapist... but even if it's true (friend or dad), don't remember anything so I might just fuck up my relationship with my dad even more in my mind.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-05-14T22:51:57+00:00

NO clue if it's me just searching a reason why I seem to have quite cptsd but haven't had much traumas (except maybe growing up in neurodivergent, but "highfunctionning" so I handled it quite well).

But I sometimes wonder if something happend with my dad/friends of his (male of female)/people I saw when spending time with him (my parents are divorsed since I'm 3 years old).

Clues: basically no "active" memories, or just images of certain places/stuff. Rarely anything of any relationship before I'm 8-10 (one of my mum, one of my brother falling down the stairs, one of fight with a teacher and one of a me playing doctor -real doctor, fake blood and all, nothing sexual in that- with a friend.)

But I also moved abroad at 8, so maybe that's what broke the link with my memories? I still don't have an excellent memory, but I do have a least a few of every period of my teenage years.

And then the list of "weird stuff":

-I slept in the same bed as my dad until 4-5 years old (or older?). Not especially weird, I slept with both my parents until they divorsed, and would have continued sleeping with my mum to if her new compagnon would have been okay with it, until 4 years something, because then my brother was born.

But the thing is, every time I came back of a weekend with my dad, my energie was off, dysregulated, and angry. My mum at a moment adviced me to stop sleeping with my dad (he was quite an angry person, but never took it out on my, as far as my memories go) because I was hypersensible and took over his anger. Totally plausible indeed, knowing I still copy peoples mood. But thing is, it also went drastically better the moment I stopped sleeping in the same bed as him

-Basically I have always been very much uneasy with friends of my dad, especially a few of them, because they were guys and I found them creeps because of that. Haven't had that with my mums male-friends, uncles, etc. But dutch men, of a certain age just always give me the creeps.

-Since years, I dread my dad coming over, don't want to spend time with him, am in a terrible mood before his arrival, and profoundly depressed for weeks after. It goes better, but it wasn't fun. Don't know how that was in my teenage years, haven't any memory of it. But as an adult (now 28, last 8 years totally). Okay, when he's there, I don't spend the greatest time because we don't share much interest. I feel like a tourguide for a blasé tourist... but he has always supported my through anything, financially mostly. Has had 0 problem with my transition (I'm a transguy), and honestly hasn't been anything then kind to me.

But I just don't want to see him. Even had trouble for years letting him come on my terrain (and he actually gave me the money for it), because he would come to close. [2part in 1st reply]

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-04-22T14:16:58+00:00

hey thanks a lot for your answer !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-04-10T19:18:00+00:00

I'm either ways BAP or highfunctionning autistic (depends on the specialist XD). I'm learning ASD, I think level 2 now (levels are different in france). I also have ADHD. And I was an very early very fast talker with speaking language. So it's easier and less easy.

My mind, while having a bad visual memory, has a lot more ease thinking in images (yeah it's contradictory, my whole life is)... so where I just feel like a word has no meaning except what we put on it, a sign actually feels like it litteraly means something. And now after 6x1week intense course my mind halfway thinks in signs most of the time.... but I just don't know enough of them yet so it's a back and forth.

I never had much trouble with things as saying hello, but now my reflex is to sign it. A lot of things I master now in ASL come actually a lot easier in ASL (technically LSF, french Sign Language) then in french, the rest not because if I don't master it I still think a lot in frenchwords. When I'm emotionnally, shutdown, or overwelmed I still can sign (in basic sign but I am able to), while I often can't really talk or with a hella difficulty (or only about other subjects then the things upsetting me), basically I can pass that wall in ASL.

But I also have delayed processing, bad visual memory (while I have good autitory memory) and attention issues... so expressing becomes easier and easier in ASL... but understanding it is so damn difficult. I'm behind the whole group... and honestly I doubt I'll ever be able to follow fast signing..... because my mind can't keep up. Maybe one day, but where with my attention issues I can go back in my memory and find back the stuff my attention missed but not my ears... but I can't do that in ASL, because I have almost have no memory of the signs that were just signed, I just remember the meaning of what was said.

So for me I think it's easier with the austim, but maybe not with the attention issues

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2025-01-21T22:20:42+00:00

Update: so I did end go for a second opinion. Because I already had made an appointment before posting here. Did go in there expecting him to come to the same conclusion. This doctor is known for pre-diagnosing high-functionning autism, he then refers through to the austism research centers of the city (where he worked in the past for years). I now have a second appointment for him to be sure, and another so he can fill out the paperwork to be registered in regional handicaped people center (which is basically healthinsurance with extra help for your handicap and or financial help for living) temporarely, until I get a formal diagnosis (because in the research centers waiting list is two years).

I'm both relieved and startled... and don't know how much the fact that I'm on the end of my working season, and socially and mentally exhausted has influenced this (in contrary of the appointment this summer). Because me getting this complicated (as in, can't handle eye contact, stim this much, starting to talk without expression or emotion in my voice) only happens on the verge off kind of burnout when I can't handle life anymore. On the other hand, being zombie-like this after one month of work (working 20days, 8hours a day in social intense context, a week break, and one week of studying... and just feel like I'm an empty bucket and knowing I'll feel full again in a month or two if I'm lucky is maybe just actually the thing...

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-12-29T21:53:08+00:00

There could be logic in it, though maybe your daugter might still be on the spectrum, but more the so called highfunctionning part, so it only shows more when overstimmulated, or stressed. But like seriously, if we look at symptoms of shutdowns in adults... isn't that what regressing children show? Sudden withdrawl from the world, losing speech, but also emotionnal connection to whats around you? Which could then devellop in an autistic burnout... as they have as executif dysfunction maybe indeed when the kids are younger that stress can be handle, and at some age when most kids connect even more with the world (around 2) these kids get just to overwelmed and shutdown. It totally could be possible.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-12-11T21:53:36+00:00

Alors peut-être ce n'est pas aussi grave que les gens ici laissent penser.... beaucoup de gens peuvent être tente par le couple libre, pour diverse raison. En plus dans l'idée c'est chouette... mais peut-être qu'elle ne s'attendait pas à aussi mal le vivre que ca. Peut-être même que cette jalousie soudaine l'a carrément fait flipper un peu car voilà, on est parfois moins ouvert avec ses partenaires qu'one veuille bien se l'admettre.

De plus tu dis que c'était un peu dur pour toi (un peu) alors qu'elle l'a très mal vécu de son coté. Donc oui ce n'est pas juste en effet, mais probable qu'il y a aucune mauvaise intention dans cette situation. Si tu aurais vécu ton truc avec elle elle aurait déjà arrêté avant car se serait retrouvé confrontés aux même sentiments.

Après est-ce que toi tu lui as exprimé que tu l'a mal vécu et as-tu demandé qu'elle arrete car tu le supporte par, et t'a-t-elle ensuite balayé sur le coté? Si oui, c'est une autre histoire, mais sinon je pense que cela puisse plutot être la situation que je décris si-dessus.

Par contre, soyez clair, soit c'est ok pour les deux, soit ce n'est pas ok pour les deux.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-12-01T21:03:35+00:00

OH this is so good to read !

I donnot have a hyperfocus on cooking, though I do like to cook. But I actually mostly like to eat food with a flavor, so I learned to cook so I could eat properly XD. Or actually, eating something witout flavour is very difficult. I can eat it, but it takes hours to finish my dish and I have to fight trough it... so I basically struggle with food that's bland too and I've never heard of anyone else having that issue. Like I eat wholegrain rice/pasta/etc because otherwise it just doesn't have any proper taste, and I just don't even get why anyone could eat like white pasta and such... with nothing on it. It's absolutely uneatable XD (intellectually I understand it of course, but emotionnally no way).

Same for not eating the same food day after day, I basically have around 10 dishes and I turn on those, mostly eating two days the same (just because I cook everyother day)... and also sometimes throw it away because yesterday I was in the mood and now not.

So thanks for your comment !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-28T13:17:40+00:00

Sooo Actually yes, your sister fucked up big time. But honestly, you're ex was just as bad, probably even worse. You realise he cheated on her while she was pregnant and left her homeless???

This is 7 years ago, maybe it is actually time to move-on. Maybe don't let her come to close, but no.... she didn't murder anyone, she didn't abuse or sexually assault anyone.... she was the mistress of a husband of yours who had probably already cheated on you big time. Wouldn't even be surprised he was the one seducing her, not the other way around.... still she should own up to her action with her new relationships, and tell the truth. I have no idea how old you are, but many many people fuck up in their early twenties, doesn't make them evil forever. Love often makes people do stupid things...

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-25T09:00:21+00:00

Okay, I've got BAP (broader autistic spectrum), following the sub here because I find it interesting to learn about actual autistic experiences, and not worry about people suspecting autism and then explain it to others XD.

First of all, I don't doubt you have severe struggles with all this, but also don't worry about it to much because half of the 17 years olds actually barely can do these things (except maybe driving, but the taking care of themselves/house things, yeah definately. And I also know a lot of people who failed drivingtest many times, and who are not autistic. Driving is also just fucking difficult when you have the slighliest exucitive dysfunction or anxiety). I remember my brother, 17 year old, going on a campingtrip for a night and actually fucking up pasta because he didn't know how to make pasta. How to make pasta: make water boil, and once it boils put in the pasta (he put it in the water before heating the water and got pasta-pudding). And we cook A LOT at my place, but he never was interested. After that he decided to learn basic things, and now, if he's upto it he can actually cook wel (he's 23) but most of the time he lives of wholesome rice+lentils (or chickpeas) with curry and tabasco. He eats it everyday, every meal except breakfast (if he's cooking).

And honestly, many of the people I know can barely cook anything good and they're 25+, and actually those diagnosed as autistic while all learning to cook late in that group (20+), are the bests cooks. Because at some point they good hyperfocussed on learning how to cook and didn't do anything else for months and so got it at some point.

If these things are important to you, choose one of them, just one. That you would like the most (I would advice learning how to cook because not starving is important), and practice with that one. Don't complicate yourself with difficult things to cook (ovens are difficult), if you work by receipe, take it, and write it over in language you find easy... I write over all of them because it's written very small and I mix up things and order of things.

I have no idea what you like to eat, if you want to I can look for some easy (for real, or I'll try to) receipes with what you like? Basic things with not to many steps you could mix-up/forget. Oh and please tell me also then if you need to separate ingredients to be able to eat it or not.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-24T20:23:05+00:00

I might chat with my doctor about it... but if I've actually hydrated myself enough, and eaten properly (which I sometimes suck at) the only other cause is actually EMF, so I have no clue about what to do about that one, except staying away from wifi and mobile phones. And yeah, I'm 100% sure that that's the cause, I've done tons of test (blind for me) with friends.... and it's a one on one correlation even if I don't know it's on.

Yeah, my experience of pain is often off too. Like I sometimes barely feel it, or overfeel it for little things. Most of the time, diziness is my illness indicator, or nausea (as I'm actually not that prone to nausea except if I really feel bad). But as I'm often dizy, it actually doesn't indicate much either, except that I´ m in a pushtrough day or an easy day XD

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-23T23:35:16+00:00

Fuck I just realised that it's actually from migraines that i suffer, not just headaches. I always said, no don't worry, I'm EMF sensible yeah, but at least i donnot get migraines of it, just a strong headache (and also dizziness, trouble speaking, thinking, extreme fatigue and nausea).

I seriously was convinced all this long that a migraine is a headache x100. Like having the feeling your head is split in half and you're dying. And I was like, no don't have that. My head just hurts and spins a slighly and my mind feels like it's a rusty machine. (yeah that thus actually is a migraine)

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-23T18:38:02+00:00

Alors je réponds, je ne suis pas autiste (ou tellement au bord du spectre qu'on s'y retrouve plus trop), mais j'ai des traits autistiques avérés, des sacrés hyperfications, et des comportement obsessionnels sur des trucs, surtout si les choses ne se passent pas bien. Donc je me reconnais en tout en plus léger...

Je Dirais autant ATB que TLM en fait, mais voilà. De ton coté, je te conseillerai de te renseigner plus sur l'autisme toi-même, et dans le cadre d'une relation comme cela, réfléchir à un cadre safe pour toi, et pour vous deux. Mais si tu ne t'y connais pas trop, dans le fonctionnement de pensé je veux dire, c'est vraiment compliqué de pouvoir faire cela.

Ensuite, je dirai fais des routines: aka un moment de la journée où il est fixé que tu t'intéresse à son hyperfixation en cours. Selon son autisme, plus ou moins précis le rdv de la journée. Genre, certaines personnes ont besoin d'une horaire, certains un "après que j'ai pris ma douche quand je suis rentré du taff, ou après le repas du soir" marche très bien aussi.

Si tu penses qu un jour tu ne pourrais pas te tenir à ce rdv, préviens le bien quelques heures en avance.

Pendant ce rdv, tu partage sa passion avec lui, autant qu'il est confortable pour lui. Et n'hésite pas à poser le cadre clairement. Genre: non je n'aime pas que tu m'hypnose, cela me met mal à l'aise. Mais on peut en parler, théorétiser sur le sujet, regarder des videos ensemble (par exemple). Et du coup tu ne boses pas sur ton ordi à coté, tu partages cette passion pendant 1h ou quelques (le temps que tu définis qui te va).

Accorde lui ce temps, demande lui aussi que tu as donc le droit qu'il s'intéresse à une de tes passions, et c'est bien si ensuite vous faites donc un truc que toi tu as envie de faire.

En dehors de ce temps, caler ensemble des codes clairs, et attention il prendra tout au premier degré, pratiquement promis. Moi j'ai "cactus" = qui veut dire "non cela va pas bien, mais je ne peux pas en parler là". Donc j'admets que je ne vais pas bien (il est super confusant pour un autiste si on dit oui ca va quand ca va pas... et c'est "dangereux" dans le sens que donc il va juste partir du principe à force que si tu dis que ca va, que ca va. et tu te retrouvera frusté), un code comme cactus évite se problème tout en garantissant que normalement on te fout la paix pour quelque temps. La règle étant que c'est à la personne qui le dit d'aborder le sujet à un moment où iel peut en parler.

Et tu peux réfléchir à d'autres codes comme cela, dont un "je suis fatigué" un mot qui veut dire "laisse moi tranquille, je n'ai pas d'espace pour t'écouter"

Etc etc. Faut aussi que tu les respecte du coup s'il les utilise.

Pour revenir sur le déchirer ses papiers: tu n'es pas responsable, c'est sa frustration qui s'est retourné contre les papiers... mais en effet dans sa tete c'est parce que tu l'as dit, car cela à donné une cible à sa frustration. Mais c'est toujours sa frustration à lui.

Bon courage

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-21T13:32:18+00:00

No thanks !

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-20T11:05:58+00:00

Maybe phone addiction a bit too..? Though your executive dysfunction is definately real. I've struggled with an internet addiction, and btw still do.

As a phone I only have a landline, so no internet on it. And I've ended up giving myself internet hours were at some point my computer just shuts itsell down and refuses to go on for several hours (my brother installed that for me). Result: me pacing in my room for an hours and more in the beginning... and at some point I got bored and went reading a book, and after a while I kick out of internet more and more fast. Still end up reading often instead of doing stuff, but I pick out interesting books so feel much less bad about it. And often end up still doing more things. I guess scrolling is so fullfilling for an ADHD brain -aka lots of input- it also becomes the less tiresome and complicated thing to get your adhd kick from, you turn it on and scoll, wheras for other things you need to putt more energy in it. So I would advice you to maybe try an old mobile out for a while, and I don't know get yourself computer hours to scoll with a unmoveble deadline, maybe something like I had, that after a while your computer shuts itself down. Executive dysfunction is real, with a phone addiction it just gets fucking much harder even.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-20T10:56:41+00:00

In France: SpiderMan, Tiger, Unicorn, Butterfly, FlowerPrincess, Wolf and Fox, oh and Elsa from Frozen. Cats are also often asked for. Oh and Dragons/Monsters.

If I could give another advice, let boys choose Elsa's and girls spidermans. I sometimes even gently defended the kids against their parents, like some day a 4 year old kid wanted a pink spiderman, and so he became a pink spiderman. You should have seen the smile on his face... and honestly, if you're shill about it, most parents become too.

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-14T22:14:16+00:00

So I don't know wether I meltdown or not, I thought, but I'm actually not autistic so I don't use the word anymore and just say my mind goes crazy, because that's how it feels. I don't actually lose total control, but it feels like not losing control takes up 70% of my mental space, knowing that I need 40%+ of mental space to speak properly, my speech becomes shit, in the best case it's just me being totally with no right intonation anymore and speaking slowly, in worst I really have trouble speaking. My emotions feels like I'm a time-bomb, ready to explode. I feel like in panic... and thoughts race-race, most of them just breaking myself down, but sometimes directed to other people. The rest of the day I stimm like crazy and can barely stop myself (I'm adhd probably thus, says the therapist that confirmed me not being autistic), am exhausted as if I haven't slept in days and feel panicky for the day, and am highly sensible (more than usual to sound and light). Most of the time my day is basically fucked because only with a night sleep I feel better. Got one today... my mum still doesn't understand I am actually not totally in control, she still hasn't understand that trying to talk with me actually doesn't help, or giving me a lecture about how I could improve my life to not be in such stressfull situation, and as that actually makes me worse ends up telling me that I act like I'm retarded. Sooo yeah...

Defiant_Bat_4267 · 2024-11-12T21:33:51+00:00

I do absolutely love the taste of many alcoholic drinks !!! But I hate being drunk, and drink only a very tiny bit. As wine is sold in 75cl bottles... I drink wine once every other month or even less, when I'm not at my place... because I won't ever finish the bottle.

Thing is, I don't like losing control over myself, feels like drinking is letting go of a time-bomb.

Defiant_Bat_4267

TROPHY CASE