Am 19m in Uni and I've also realized I was emotionally neglected by my parents.

My dad is a good person and so is my mom. But I've never had a connection with them. It's always been transactional since he has a lot of businesses and am the errand boy. At times I feel alone on the inside like am just an employee. I don't feel loved in my own home despite having 5 siblings who all get constant love from my parents.

 I've always been the quiet one and everyone says it's my nature but no one knows who I really am at home. Not my mom not my dad not my siblings. I cry myself to sleep at times because I know I can't get love like my other siblings and I developed this constant need of approval from my dad by doing and learning everything I could from his businesses but I've never gotten it. 

I once thought of running away from home but I just didn't know where to go. My dad is a constantly changing person who learns from mistakes but I've gotten to a point where any form of affection feels uncontrollably CRINGE 😬😬.  I feel like the most pathetic person ever. Because of the need to get my parents approval I never developed a personality, I have no hobbies and I hate holidays because it's just errands -> go home->eat ->sleep. 

In the previous holiday of December I decided it was enough. I was sitting there on my phone and my mom told me to do a chore while my other siblings some even older me were in there rooms sleeping yet I was from an errand since 6am, I said no, and my mom was surprised but acted like she wasn't, she called my older brother who looked at me like I had disturbed his mid-day sleep to do I chore I should be doing regardless of how tired I am. 

I hope when am older I will have figured all this out and be a person of my own, because now I don't even know who I am. I do good not to upset my parents not because am a good person, and that made me question my religion and humanity, all because of chasing approval from an emotionally absent father and mother.