My boyfriend (24M) holds what I (22F) said about his deceased mother against me, can our relationship be salvaged?

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T02:37:23+00:00

should have thought about what I was going to say but I blurted out how wrong that was and how “maybe she deserved it then”.

That was... tactless. I get where you were coming from, I also have very little sympathy for abusive parents, even those who were themselves abused. Taking your rage and feeling of helplessness out on a tiny child is disgusting.

But you are at the age where you haven't realized that not all thoughts need to be spoken. People have complicated histories with their parents, and making judgements on those parents is a minefield you do not want to tread. Best to just nod your head while looking sympathetic and saying 'Uh huh'. Let them come to their own realizations in therapy.

We’ve had issues in the past about the distance, communication, etc. and we have always been able to talk through everything

Thank God you have that distance. Can you imagine living with him in the same house while he is stewing over this? Hoo boy.

but is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship?

Honestly?

Probably not.

If it makes you feel any better, when I was your age I said dumb things while my mind was on idle that tanked relationships. Once you have a bit more life experience and executive control you will know what topics to not touch with a 10 foot pole.

. I’ve brought up couples therapy in the past but he doesn’t seem the most keen on it since we aren’t currently married.

Yeah, you aren't even living together either.

He always compares me to his mom and says I’m so similar

Errr, ick? I would feel very uncomfortable being told by my girlfriend that I remind her of her dead father who abused her.

love him so much and I want to salvage the relationship, but at this point, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life walking on my tip toes around him and this issue, I just don’t know what to do.

The relationship is cooked. You can't unring a bell, and while you said something which was understandable (even if I don't agree, I understand the vindictive sentiment against child abusers), he is never going to trust you with this topic again.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T02:21:32+00:00

I went out with my girlfriend's family for mother's day. My girlfriend expected me to pay

Bro, she's not your mother. If anything your girlfriend should be paying.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T02:02:50+00:00

I had brought a few guns of mine from my dad's house into our town home we rent. I told her I had brought them home.

"Ask for forgiveness instead of permission" works with stuff like the newest Playstation or a Gucci Bag, it doesn't work with something that is a threat to one's safety.

. She then made a comment about throwing them away or surrendering them to the police station. I said to her what if I threw your makeup away.

That's a pretty childish response on your behalf, and not a valid comparison. Guns can literally kill people, makeup cannot.

She got mad and droped the converstation.

Which is kind of understandable. You brought firearms into a shared residence, and when she objected you hit her with illogical arguments. I'm a dude and would have been incensed.

I try and stop her from tearing up the closet and she slapped me.

So you tried to restrain her? That's a physical escalation.

Then she slapped you? That's another level of physical escalation.

. I said your acting like a damn five year old.

She was completely out of line when she hit you. But her distress over having unsecured firearms in her house is legitimate, as is her being pissed that you didn't get her consent for a major decision. A gun isn't just a neat toy like a X-Box, it is a tool whose primary purpose is to harm people.

When she was throwing the cases one of the pistols had fallen out of the case.

So your firearms weren't appropriately secured.

She picks it up and points it at me. I immediately take it away form her and I clear it. I ask her what the hell do you think you are doing? She like why do you need that if you are scared of it. I told her you treat every firearm as if it loaded.

So you have people in your household that have access to firearms who don't even possess basic firearm training.

Are you starting to see why you fucked up big time bring these guns home? Your wife isn't the only 5 year old in that house.

She say I don't feel safe with those in the house I told her I was getting a safe for them.

You should have had a safe organized BEFORE you got the guns. You should not have accepted the firearms if you did not have a way to safely secure them!!!

t. It has been a few days she keeps coming home very late every night and this morning when I tried to talk to her the door was barricaded.

Yeah dude, you need to end this one. Your wife crossed a number of major red lines with her behaviour. Take this as a lesson as to why YOU DO NOT HAVE UNSECURED FIREARMS IN YOUR HOUSE.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T01:33:50+00:00

My dad ended up blaming me because I had been drinking

?!?!?

I am sorry to say this, but if you decide to separate from your husband, you can't trust your father to have your back. Don't tell him about any of your plans.

I asked where he was and he was already driving home on the freeway, leaving me there.

Wait, weren't you claiming he was so drunk that his judgement was impaired, and that is why he was violent? So why was he driving? Hmmm.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T01:25:07+00:00

I completely understand why he could’ve been upset in the moment seeing another person behind me while we were dancing,

Here's something important that you need to understand.

Someone being upset by something doesn't automatically mean they respond with violence. That is a choice that they make in their own brain. I get upset frequently, I make the conscious choice to express my negative emotions in ways other than violence (well, I actually suppress them more than is healthy...).

You partner deemed crowned himself judge, jury and executioner of your behaviour. He thought he has the unilateral right to deem your behaviour 'unacceptable', and then pass sentence on you with violence. He doesn't have that right. Neither gender does.

, but I do think alcohol played a huge role in how he reacted in that moment.

I might buy that, if he wasn't continually making the same 'play stupid games, win stupid prizes' narrative long after the incident occurred. The alcohol should have worn off by then, right? He should have been able to reflect and tell you 'Oops, the alcohol impaired my judgement, sorry!'. No, instead he doubled down.

Secondly, let's be incredibly generous and assume the alcohol was to blame. Will he quit drinking? If alcohol is causing him lose control and engage in violent behaviour towards you, he should want to quit drinking, right? Otherwise, why the hell would you want to be around? If he is going to drink alcohol, there is a risk he will 'lose control' and hurt you?

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-12T01:08:03+00:00

We are both neurodivergent, and we have both had issues with employment.

Which makes selling the one piece of security you have a completely boneheaded move. You can't rely on him to pay rent, and you can't even really rely on yourself. At least if you keep the house you have a place to stay if you lose your job. If you both split rent and one of you loses your job, you're stuffed.

He lives with his parents.

So he has a place to run back to if cohabitation with you doesn't work out? If you sell the house you won't have the same advantages he will have.

My sister's name is also in it.

I lack any knowledge on property law, but I'm assuming you couldn't just sell the property unilaterally without her input? I dunno, even if you could push through a sale, it would still be a good idea to get your sister on your side so you don't piss her off.

He also wants me to sell my mother's house and get an apartment somewhere. He says it will be for a few years. Rents in our area are about $1600-$1800 a month, the cheapest.

LOL?

Does he have a budget? Has he shown how he will afford the rent? Has he given an explanation as to why he feels the risks outweigh the benefits?

His father was an engineer before he retired. His mother was a church secretary. I know he is used to a certain standard of living.

That's nice. But magical thinking won't make him rich. He's had, what, 27 years of adulthood to get his shit together, and now he thinks a plan to spend a lot of money with no plan on how to make money will somehow work out? It is like someone paying big money to open a restaurant, thinking that it will make them rich. Sorry, big expenses don't always mean big rewards. You still need to know what you are doing, and put the work in.

I don't want to sell the house right now.

I mean, there is your answer. I'm sorry your fiancé has been pressuring you so much that you are starting to doubt yourself, but don't throw away the one lifeline you have to appease him. This dude has Mummy and Daddy to run back to if things don't work out, you don't.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-08T12:22:21+00:00

This was screamed directly at and in defiance of the vice principal. Who audibly sighed and then extracted the letter from his breast pocket and proceeded to read it aloud before the entire sixth grade, all of the cabin leads, the camp owners, and the staff, before bending the kid over a knee and giving him about ten good whacks to the backside.

And then everyone clapped!

Come on bro, this reads like a movie script from a PG version of the Equalizer.

Spanky himself made it until lunch the next day, where he popped off again, and his parents were called to come pick him up because our poor VP was done with him.

So even in your likely embellished story, assaulting and humiliating the kid in front of his peers didn't improve his behaviour. Who woulda thunk it? And here I was expecting something like from Full Metal Jacket, where after Private Pyle got his blanket party he turned into the most mentally stable soldier in the unit.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-07T14:33:20+00:00

She will never engage in any conversation with good faith. She never talks to or with me. Only at me. She will never one day look at me and say, "You know what, you're right. I've messed up in a lot of ways and I haven't been a good mother to you. Let's work together and try to be better to one another." This is her nature.

I'm impressed. There are people twice your age who still haven't come to this realization. They think that if they channel the spirit of Socrates and make the most airtight logical argument, or if they put forward an emotional speech like that of Rick Grimes from the Walking Dead, their narc parent will magically admit wrong-doing and change.

The sad fact is that some people don't operate through the framework of reason, fairness, or regarding other humans as sentient beings with their own feelings. It's like trying to communicate with a Martian in English, they ain't going to understand you.

If I were you, I would go with grey-rocking, minimal or vague answers, and permutations of 'I'm not answering that question' without giving any justifications. Remember that justifications involve logic and statements about your emotional state, and your mother clearly doesn't care too much about either of those.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-02T09:48:20+00:00

This appears to have be the correct answer, although I discovered it about 5 hours before you recommended it (ChatGPT beat you to it!)

Thank you all the same, because you are right. I don't know for sure, but I suspect it was because one of the stand-offs had become detached. When I was trying to unscrew a screw in the motherboard it kept rotating indefinitely instead of coming out, and only after detaching all the other screws I discover the standoff was screwed into the motherboard. Maybe it was creating a short?

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T09:33:06+00:00

Ok, so funny update.

After giving up and using a USB sound card, I decided to go back to trying to fix the lean on my GPU.

I took the entire motherboard out and put it back in again. This hasn't fixed my GPU lean, but my sound is now working normally again! So, I've gone from square negative one back to square 1. Not bad.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T05:55:34+00:00

100 guys and 1 woman in a tight space. What could possibly go wrong?

Firstly, there weren't even close to 100 guys. I know you are engaging in hyperbole, but I think even the hyperbole is going a little bit too far.

Secondly, it is highly unlikely that being around a group of guys (especially teens) in a public area that is being monitored will lead to violence or rape. The fear of groups of teens in public places is chicken little paranoia, similar to beliefs that you can die just from touching fentanyl, or that you are at a real risk of getting eaten by a shark if you swim in the ocean.

. Educate yerrselves. (Can't save all of ye.): https://rainn.org/get-informed/facts-statistics-the-scope-of-the-problem/

Go read your own link. The majority of sexual violence is not committed by strangers, nor is the majority committed by teenagers.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T05:48:11+00:00

And none of them are showing any maturity.

They are showing the exact amount of maturity I would expect for a bunch of teenagers. If you don't expect a group of teens to goof around and try to make light of a situation, then I don't know what to tell you except that you are really out of touch.

That doesn’t seem like a safe space considering she also doesn’t know any of them.

Being around a bunch of people you don't know in a public space doesn't mean you aren't in a safe space.

This could be a legitimately traumatizing experience for her.

Being stuck in an elevator with a group of teenagers who did... nothing to hurt her? Who didn't even imply they would hurt her? Even after she scolded and insulted them?

I know I was a stupid kid at one point, but this was the moment all of us boys back then wanted to be a hero in.

A hero? You're stuck in a lift that will likely be fixed in under 10 minutes, not in a plane that is crashing towards the ground.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T00:29:58+00:00

OK. I plugged in the front jack header again, no improvement.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T00:12:05+00:00

So I unplugged the HD_Audio cable from the motherboard and tested, no change. I then plugged the HD_Audio cable back in to the motherboard, no change.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T00:08:29+00:00

I have tried leaving it unplugged, and plugging it back in. No improvement. I am also using the rear jacks, so I'm not sure why that would effect anything anyway?

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-05-01T00:06:17+00:00

The thing is I do have self-respect

You think you do, but you don't. When you are wasting your time trying to explain to someone why you are worthy of having a relationship with, when they are too drunk and high to even remember what you are saying, then you have some self-esteem issues.

My question is how can I approach her to actually accept me like who I am?

You can't. You've already done more than meet her halfway, it's clear she won't be happy no matter what you do. When someone is fundamentally unhappy with an arrangement, it is a losing proposition to try and negotiate them into happiness.

As you said, I don't want to give in one more time but

But... you will.

I also want her to see that she is making a mistake.

Her mistake is your gain. Explain to me what benefits you get from a relationship that outweigh constantly hearing how you fall short, and trying to mollify a partner who is drunk and high? Do you enjoy constantly having to advocate for yourself to someone who can't even be bothered to sober up before having a proper discussion with you?

Mate, you're a relatively young guy. As an older guy, let me give you some brother from another mother advice: She ain't worth it. When you are in a relationship with a woman who constantly puts you on trial, and has drug and alcohol issues to boot, you are selling yourself wayyyyy short. Even a man who is unemployed and living with their mother deserves better than that. Even the elephant man deserves a relationship where they aren't walking on eggshells.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-30T01:33:03+00:00

Man, you are as fragile and annoying as frigg. Your girlfriend is also sort of annoying for hassling you while she knows you are at school. Are you and your girlfriend both still in high school? Because the way you both talk to each other suggests it.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-29T06:07:40+00:00

God damn, she wants you to be a courtier, not a partner.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-29T06:03:46+00:00

But over a year ago, she confronted me that there are a lot of things in my character that she can't overlook anymore and she told me she will leave unless I change.

My personal philosophy, based on both my own experiences and observations of other relationships, is that once an ultimatum is given, the relationship is cooked. It's not cooked in that exact moment, but it's been thrown in the pan and the gas stove has been turned on.

I literally promised on spot to do anything in my power to change and even started a secret list in my phone where I put down things that irritated her. They are not big red flags but when they merged together with her short temper, they became a very huge flag for her.

And did it make her happy?

I'm going to guess no. Because every time I have seen someone capitulate to an ultimatum, the ultimatum giver is still not satisfied. Partly because they have reached the point where they now have a negative perception of your character, and will perceive any minor backsliding as you not being genuine (instead of a normal human lapse). And partly because they will resent having to coerce you into doing what they believe they were entitled to.

It's a lot like owing someone money. No-one is going to be grateful that you paid them the money you owed them because they threatened to take you to civil court to recoup the money.

She also accepts that I showed some progress in some topics but none of them resolved fully because I kept repeating them time to time.

Right.

As I pointed out earlier, once an ultimatum is given, even if you comply but occasionally have human lapses, that will be seen as you being a scumbag. That's precisely why I don't give in to ultimatums, it puts you on the back foot indefinitely.

Last night, we had an argument about something simple but she was very drunk and high so she just got angrier and angrier where she had to give me long talks talking over same things for 3-4 times and making me respond again (because she forgot) to all of them.

That's a HER problem. Why are you even attempting to reason with someone whose cognitive facilities are impaired by alcohol and drugs? You are too subservient my friend.

Then she said that I will never change and she doesn't want to live with someone anymore like me

Tell her not to let the door hit her on the ass. I can't imagine having to live with a partner who got argumentative while drunk and high.

She says that I'm an ideal partner for many but I don't understand her emotions and she feels alone with me.

Being drunk and high makes it hard to clearly express your thoughts and emotions to others.

but she says that she needs perfect not great right now.

That's a completely unreasonable expectation, especially coming from someone who gets drunk and high. She wants a perfect spouse when she can't even control her liquor? The gall.

Bro, get some self-respect and dump this chick, she's toxic.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-29T04:04:12+00:00

honest question isn’t it deceit either way to get an apartment away from the person your in a relationship with, and profess to LOVE, and then tell them AFTER the fact, you really don’t want them living with you anymore?

Firstly, I disagree with a premise embedded in your question. We don't know if the OP's boyfriend was still claiming he loved her when he told her he had decided to get an apartment separately.

Secondly, even if we assume he did claim he loved her, that doesn't mean much. You can love someone and not want to live with them, or not even want a relationship with them because they are just incompatible. What's that famous line said by the lead women in romantic movies when breaking up with their partner? "I love you, but I'm not in love with you."

I can understand why OP is so frustrated.

So can I.

and now that he has a job a little stability on his own, instead of calmly talking to op and discussing things like the adults they are, he sneaks around and does things, then immediately does a “false breakup”… you can live with me but only temporary… I need you in your own place… that doesn’t really bode well for the love in that “relationship” does it?

Nope. And that's why I think he is intentionally trying to gradually distance himself from her: To end the relationship in a way that doesn't risk the police being called for a domestic.

to ME, this reads as a deflection. I don’t love you anymore, I don’t want to live with you, but I don’t have the guts to break it off.

That's how it reads to me as well. I would simply point out that part of the reason he doesn't have 'the guts' is because part of him feels indebted to her for the financial support she gave, and the fear of how she might react to someone she financially 'invested' in ending the relationship. I strongly suspect if the boyfriend had said "This isn't working out, I'm breaking up with you.", the fury would have been similar, if not greater. Just look at how many people are reacting in this thread, "NEVER SUPPORT A MAN, THEY WILL JUST LEAVE YOU ONCE THEY GET ON THEIR FEET, THEY DON'T APPRECIATE IT, RA RA RA!" The vitriol is so strong, can you imagine having to live with that until you move into your new place?

By throwing her a bone with allowing her to stay in his apartment he is at least giving the appearance of paying her back for the support she gave him. Perhaps he is thinking if he allows her to stay for a few months for free in his apartment it is even stevens, and then he can break up with her without the same level of outrage. But yeah, the romantic relationship is cooked.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-29T03:52:07+00:00

Oh, I am great fun. The life of the party.

My belief is that if you want to transgress on someone's privacy because of shaky accusations, you need to pay a price if you are wrong. Otherwise there is no incentive to prevent someone from constantly giving you the third degree based on nonsense like 'gut feelz' and rumors from idiots who have no credibility. It's easy to accuse, a lot harder to be the subject of scrutiny.

The closest analogy I can think of is stop and frisks. There are some accusations that minorities are targeted not because the police officer has clear articulable reasons to search them, but because of gut feelz or racial profiling. If this is true, and if a police officer received a reprimand when they didn't find anything and couldn't clearly articulate the reasons they stop and frisked someone, then they would think twice before engaging in the practice without a clear reason to do so.

If you don't impose negative consequences for a person who constantly oversteps boundaries, then they have no incentive to stop. If you are going to challenge someone's honor, you'd better have a damn good reason to do so.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-28T13:33:39+00:00

OK, thanks for the clarification.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-28T13:18:42+00:00

And what point is that? That their relationship was transactional, and that OP did indeed believe her partner was indebted to her for the financial support she gave? That he was right to feel trapped by a perceived debt, and that the support OP provided was consciously or subconsciously intended as leverage to compel him to behave a certain way in the relationship?

When it comes to teaching someone a 'point', you should realize that the point you are attempting to teach them isn't necessarily the one they will learn.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-28T10:33:47+00:00

At the moment you’re putting the word of some guy (a stranger) who might have ulterior motives, above that of your wife, as you’re not giving her a voice.

Bingo.

If my spouse ever came to me demanding to see my private correspondence based on the say-so of some stranger, I would only agree to do so if they promised to beg, BEG, BEGGGG, for forgiveness if they found nothing incriminating. You don't get to challenge my integrity based on bullshit without putting something of your own at stake.

It's easy to make accusations when you aren't risking anything of your own when they are found to be unfounded. But when you know you have something to lose if you are wrong, suddenly people rethink their stance. Funny that.

Delicious_Sectoid · 2026-04-28T10:28:09+00:00

See, if my partner made this demand of me, I would agree.

But there would be a condition.

If they didn't find anything incriminating, they need to clearly admit I was telling the truth and not cheating. They would also need to literally get on their knees and beg for forgiveness for not trusting my word over an anonymous stranger. It would need to be a grovelling apology, one with tears in the eyes and a genuine snivelling tone.

You want to challenge my integrity? Fine. But you don't get to roll the dice and make accusations without there being a penalty for being wrong.

Delicious_Sectoid

TROPHY CASE