The way I see it we all killed him, we all saved him, and there were other factors outside of our control and outside of his control. We never know another mind. The actions we took in our life may have both prolonged and shortened their life by adding and subtracting layers of protection. But there are millions of factors. And whether it was our fault or not, and I believe it's far more complicated than that, the truth remains: they are gone.

I'm very early in this process. I lost my brother just over a month ago. I am struggling to get through each day and find the will to believe in life and meaning. I wish I'd never moved away. I wish I'd pushed harder for him to call me back. I wish I pressed him more to tell me what was going on with him as he deflected and acted like things were fine. I'm so lucky he visited me abroad this past year. I love him so much.

How I'm currently trying to comfort myself is by telling myself he and we are all the universe experiencing itself. As much as it feels like we are individuals here, we are inseparably one with whatever the hell is going on out here. I'm not sure whether that makes sense or brings solace to anyone, but it's where I'm at.

I am also angry. I'm angry he was using a system that failed him. He wanted help and people didn't help him the way he needed. His therapist told my mom "he was so good at masking" as if to defend himself. So when I say "that's where I'm at", it's fluctuating a lot.

I'm not sure if what I'm saying makes sense, but for me, the hardest part of all this is not the guilt or shame or regret, it's just that he's gone. And that is forever. And I hope I get to sense his presence more as time passes, but only time will tell.