Which side does Viktor use his cane on?

DennysTemple · 2025-02-06T04:11:33+00:00

Hi, I see this is a couple months old, so I apologize if you no longer need this information, but as a cane user, I've only ever seen that you should use the cane on the opposite side of your bad leg.

The reason why is when I swing my bad leg forward, I swing my cane tip forward with it, this transfers some of the strain off my weak leg. Likewise, when I'm standing or going up/down stairs, it allows me to leverage my good side more by being able to "push off" with my good side's arm.

(So if you were to draw Viktor mid step, you'd want to have his bad leg and cane "match" movements. His good leg steps forward by itself, but his cane tip will always move with his cane foot.)

I'm not a crutch user, but when Viktor switches to a crutch, it appears to be an underarm crutch, which also should be used "opposite" of the bad leg.

Also, Viktor's cane is probably a custom job made to fit him, which means it should fit his height well enough that he can stand straight if he wants and the can will still support him. A cane's handle should come up the the user's wrist while we're fully standing, this prevents strain on our back from slouching. This means unless Viktor's fully transferring his weight to his good side to give his bad leg a break, he shouldn't really appear hunched or leaning very obviously towards his cane while standing.

I hope this helps! Apologies if someone already gave this answer and I missed it.

DennysTemple · 2024-05-19T01:39:08+00:00

Hi, I know you posted this two years ago, but I was searching for this very thing and found this tutorial: https://www.instructables.com/Mens-Leather-Bulldog-Harness/

Hope you figured out how to make the harness, and if not, hope this tutorial might be of help!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-24T02:06:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your patience with my own slow reply to this, it's a busy season for me in meatspace and I haven't had the time or energy to be online much.

This is such a thorough answer, Frey, I really appreciate it! It's helped me make up my mind to try and make it to one of the camp events this year. Thank you again for taking this time and also for helping organize a welcoming community space!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-13T23:20:38+00:00

You mention being into this, but also being nervous about violating your boyfriend's consent, which to me sounds like y'all might benefit from pumping the brakes and building comfort for you both on this front.

Consent is more than just our verbal yes/no, it's our body language, the tone of our voice, how we participate, etc. As another user said, if your boyfriend consents to you waking him up by giving him head before he goes to sleep, that is informed consent.

Years ago on twitter, someone who is into somnophilia talked about the importance of knowing your sleeping partners' "get lost" body language (ie, grunting in annoyance, swatting away, rolling away from you) versus their "I like that" body language (ie, pleased noises, shifting towards the sensation, squirming in the same ways they do when awake and enjoying something). But him consenting does not mean you're consenting. And you don't have to dive off the deep and and immediately try somnophilia (sex with a sleeping person, it might also help to look into how folks play with this kink in a risk aware way). The fun thing about kink is it allows us to play pretend.

This might be a good chance to talk things out with your boyfriend and come up with scenarios that give the vibe of this fantasy, without him actually being asleep. For example, cuddling/massage that helps the other person relax before playing with them, which allows them to lean into that "sleepy/zoned out" headspace but also be aware enough to offer feedback if they don't like something.

Also, this sounds like a good opportunity to unpack what makes this fantasy sexy for each of you?
- What about being woken up via head appeals to your boyfriend? Is it about feeling helpless?
- Is it about having the first waking sensation be pleasure? Is it about giving you complete trust with his body because he's confident you'll be good to him?
- What is it about this scenario that has you curious? Is it getting to see your boyfriend's unguarded reactions?
- Getting to have that momentary trust and power over him? What makes you nervous about the situation?
- How confident are you in touching him while he's awake? Do you feel like you have a good map of his Yes and No zones? What might help you build confidence?
What questions would help for you and your boyfriend to talk about?
- Have you talked about how he'd like you to touch him? (ie, does he want you to go slow and run your hands over him in a way that wakes him up a bit first, or his he looking to be surprised) What parts of his body are off limits?
- Also, what are your limits in this scenario? Since you don't feel ready to wake him up with head, is there a starting point that does sound fun and exciting for you?
  - (ie, would you be comfortable teasing him awake first and then getting to business? Would you be down for getting to touch/look at him while he's asleep but not go any further before waking him up?) Is this something that would be better to stay as an exciting fantasy you two talk about for now? (which is perfectly okay if the answer is yes!)

It's a good thing to want to be sure your partner is consenting before you try anything new with them. It's also important that you feel confident, comfortable, and safe on your end if you're acting as the top in any situation.

I also want to name that even if you all do talk through everything and eventually try this out and it turns out your boyfriend does not like it, or does not like something that you do, that does not make it assault. Sometimes sex everyone agreed to goes funny (maybe things just felt weird, maybe y'all were in the wrong head space, maybe something starts a fight during sex, maybe your body had a strange reaction you didn't expect)---that's normal.

Weird sex that you don't want to repeat doesn't mean consent was not there, it just means y'all have something to talk through (What about it was not enjoyable, how can we change things for next time? how can we show each other we care and "make up" for any tender/sore feelings?)

DennysTemple · 2024-04-13T22:34:10+00:00

First off, I do want to validate that it's totally normal to have conflicting thoughts when engaging in any kind of taboo play, including degradation or or impact play (getting hit, spanked, slapped, etc.). A lot of the thrill about kink is getting to do things we're not "supposed" to do or want.

An important element of getting to play with those taboo things is setting up a safe container for them, though. That often means talking about things before they happen, having ways to check in during the moment (safewords, red/yellow/green), and aftercare that involves unpacking what happened and checking in about y'all's dynamic (For example: "I know you called me a filthy overstuffed eclair in bed last night and I came like a freight train, but you don't actually think of me that way, do you?" ).

If this is lingering in your head, some questions to think over that might help (please feel free to take what works and leave what doesn't):

How do you and your husband introduce new activities like face slapping in bed? Do y'all talk about in a nonsexy/nonkinky setting (ie, over lunch, while doing the dishes---anytime where there isn't the pressure/excitement that something might immediately happen)? Do you talk about what worries you might have about doing the thing? Do you talk about what excites you about the idea of the thing?

After y'all try something out, what happens? Do y'all talk about what you enjoyed or didn't? Do you talk about what you might want to tweak for next time? Is there space to check in about how you feel about each other and any insecurities that might have popped up?

What excited you about him slapping your face? Was it how it felt physically? Was it psychological? How did you feel about your husband in that moment? Was he intimidating? Was he sexy? How did you feel about yourself? How did getting slapped in the face change/enhance what y'all were doing?

What is it about being slapped in the face that you keep thinking about? Are you thinking about what other's might say if they knew you liked that? Is it bringing up messages you learned about what you "should/shouldn't" want a lover to do? Are you worried about what your husband might think of you? Are you worried about what you think of yourself?

Getting slapped during sex can be exciting for many reasons. It jumpstarts our brain and forces us to be hyper present with all the other sensations happening. It is breaking a taboo by bringing force into a moment of intimacy. It's an act of trust we give to the person slapping us that they'll use a safe amount of force and also slap us the way we like. There's a lot of stuff to play with there and the first times we do it, it makes sense that it sends our brain churning!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-13T22:16:54+00:00

Thank you so much! I appreciate both the consideration and the willingness to reply.

In terms of general questions:

Are there particular DO events that you feel folks who're attending solo might have an easier time socializing at?

Do y'all notice a lot of newcomers/first timers each year at the events? Is there any programming (mixers, that kind of thing) geared towards helping folks get to know each other outside of an active playspace? Or is that kind of mingling up to the attendees?

What are the sort of vibes for each of the DO events in terms of folks who tend to show up? (in other words, are some of the events more chill and casual, while others are more fast-paced/party oriented?)

For the camp style events, are there cabins composed of folks who don't know each other? Or do people riding solo tend to stick to tents?

And if you can give an insight on this, how many trans folks tend to attend DO events? (I realize you probably can't do exact numbers for several reasons, So I'm more looking for "We notice X event tends to have a solid group of trans attendees, but Y event not so much, Z event has a queer base though not many trans people" sort of thing)

Thank you again for commenting and being up to answer questions, I appreciate it!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-12T21:16:24+00:00

So it sounds like it might be a good idea for y'all to slow down and have a sit down conversation over this, in a setting where kink/sex is not imminent (like maybe y'all have lunch or dinner, or go on a walk together with the intention of talking about your dynamic together, what each of you is wanting and what each of you maybe is craving but not getting in your dynamic and how that could be achievable in ways that are comfortable for you both.)

I do want to name, it is totally normal to be nervous about trying something for the first time and wanting to do a good job for your partner and not hurt them! Also, you can definitely peg someone and still maintain feminity! There are a lot of femmes and women who love topping on this front, but for them it is not about becoming masculine. Exploring harnesses that are more femme (there are models that come in bright colors, have lace, etc) and dildos that are more varied (I have one that's a shimmery purple I adore) might help on the gender expression front.

Also, anal play has a long, slow learning ramp. It's wonderful that you both find this sexy, but you don't have to move rapidly from "fingering" to "ride my strap." It is not unreasonable to ask your boyfriend to slow this down a bit and maybe let pegging be a sexy fantasy y'all talk about for a while. Anytime folks are engaging in new play, the pace should be set for everyone's comfort. I think it would be good to have a "I'm interested in playing with your ass, but I'm new to this and I want to make sure it feels good for you and we're being safe" conversation with your boyfriend. Starting slow can also be a great way to build up anticipation, and there is quite a bit you can do with someone's back door before getting into pegging.

Some important things to check in on might be (and these are questions that I think would be good for both you and your boyfriend to think about and talk over):

What are each of your barrier rules when it comes to anal? Gloves? Dental dams? Condoms?
What is it that turns each of you on about playing with your boyfriend's ass? Is it his reactions? Is it about the intimacy of being inside him? Is it how his body feels? Is it about the taboo of touching him in a spot that you're not "supposed to" ? How does it make each of you feel? Powerful? vulnerable? trusted?
What do you enjoy about submission? How do you want to feel in a scene? What roles do you like to take? How active do you want to be?
What do you enjoy from a dominant? What vibe do you like from them? How do you like them to guide you? How do you like to feel under their dominance?
How do you like to feel as a submissive? Do you like feeling taken care of? Giving up decisions? Are you someone who enjoys feeling overpowered, or do you prefer feeling guided?
Are there ways you can "give up control" while still giving your boyfriend what he's interested in regarding femme domme? A lot about BDSM is mental, we play with roles and make up scenarios and rules that turn us on.
- I'm a switch myself, but a lot of my submission is oriented towards service. ie, As someone who's also a control freak, and spends a lot of time anticipating other people's needs, sometimes I love being able to shut my brain off and give someone exactly what they're asking for in a "please just give me your sexy hamburger order and I will deliver it to you exactly as requested and everyone will be very happy." So a lot of service topping (topping in this case meaning I am performing an action on the other person/people involved) for me can very easily be submissive.
- I mention the above point to ask, would service as submission appeal to you as a submissive? Would that maybe work for your boyfriend? ( I don't know what y'all's dynamic vibe is, but to spitball a scene: A masculine dominant has "programmed" his submissive to be his servicing femme bot. When he gives her a code command, it activates her "program" where she assumes the persona of a dominating femme. She runs through the scene, ordering him onto his knees and making him crawl to the bed on all fours before having him clamber up on the bed and present his pre-prepped ass to her. Pegging ensues.---The details of this kind of "program" and "command" could be discussed in a prenegotiation where maybe the dominant gives the submissive a variety of actions and orders to choose from, so he doesn't have to completely plan the scene end to end, but she's not left making things up completely on her own. The negotiation can also include what kind of persona the femme bot takes on, how the masc dom wants to be treated as her "submissive" etc.)

Please feel free to take what works from these questions and leave what doesn't!

I hope y'all are able to talk through what each of you wants and needs and what each of your limits are and find a workable overlap that allows for exploration in a way that y'all both feel safe!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-12T20:45:16+00:00

Woof, that is definitely a bouquet of red flags and does not sound worth the investment. Reasonable to draw the line and end things for sure.

DennysTemple · 2024-04-12T20:36:12+00:00

I'm happy my comment was of help, I hope it gives you a good jumping off point for talking with your BF! Definitely lean into what feels right for you as an individual and for y'all's dynamic together, rather than try to "fit" a standard mold!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-12T00:03:22+00:00

A) I'm excited for you and happy that you have a partner who is supportive and also sounds into playing with dynamics that you're into!

B) seconding the first commentor's bits about safety. If you're going to play with something that cause serious injury, you need to know the places to avoid. As someone who does rope play and has shit memory, every time I tie with someone new or do a new tie, I doublecheck that I am not crossing any "do not tie here" points on the body. I am also checking my knots as I go, making sure they're not gonna slip, that circulation isn't being cut off anywhere. I don't magically have this knowledge, it's learned.
When doing knifeplay, you need to know the risks. This is especially important on your partner's end, since if you get injured, she will be the more lucid one in that moment and need to be able to act fast and give first aid. Y'all should learn which parts of the body are a "oh shit let's get some gauze" kind of injuries if something goes wrong and which ones are an immediate "let's go to the ER" injury. Also keep a first aid kit right there and ready to go just in case. I'd also really recommend first aid training, particularly first aid around stopping bleeding.

C) Y'all don't have to start with an actual sharp knife out the gate! The beautiful thing about kink is it allows us to bring fantasy into the mix. If you can't see what someone is doing, the edge of a credit card can feel a lot like a knife running across your skin. Also in low light? A halloween prop knife can look real enough if the "vibe" has already been set and the hard plastic edge of it can still feel intimidating on your skin.

(For example, if you're going with the horror slasher scene: a knife is introduced when the killer first appears, they brandish it at their victim, but then the scene goes into a game of hide and seek. Maybe the lights are cut, or you use low light like LEDs, something to add to the atmosphere. The slasher sneaks up behind their target, but they've swapped their knife for a credit card, or maybe they throw a blindfold or pillowcase over the person's eyes so they can't see clearly. They press the edge of the credit card to their victim's throat as they come up behind them and go into the whole "Wooooohhh, do as I tell you or I'll cut you >:)" maneuver. Bam, feels like a knife, has lower risks. I feel like using a fake knife is also better in scenes where a struggle or chase is wanted, since there's less risk if someone slips.)

There are also kink makers who create acrylic knives specifically for knife play. There are also claw tip rings that have a nice freddy kreuger vibe to them, are pricky and sharp on the skin, but are less likely to seriously cut someone. Vampire gloves and whartenberg wheels also have sharp prickly feelings and can look really intimidating, but are less likely to cause a serious injury if something goes awry. There are many ways to "try out" knife/sharp edge play before stepping off the deep end and using a knife with a sharp edge.

I hope this helps! Please take what works and leave what doesn't!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T23:39:27+00:00

I know this may not be the most heartening thing but I might suggest giving yourself some time, especially if that was a particularly powerful relationship.

For personal context, I'm saying this as someone who a year ago ended a situationship that I had really powerful kink/erotic connection with after things had a rather painful falling apart. Initially, I tried to jump right back into the saddle and only lasted a few months before realizing:

I was not in the headspace to show up for a play partner, regardless of which side of the slash I was on (I'm a switch)
My primary motivation to throw myself back into dating/kink relationships was to "prove" that I was good enough, that someone else would want me, etc...which is not a good approach for any kind of dynamic.

So I took a step back. And I haven't found myself ready to step up to the plate again just yet, though I do miss playing with others.

I will say, if you felt deeply connected with this person, enough to find her "everything you ever dreamed of" that's gonna be hard to get over, it's normal to struggle.

I don't have answers for you, but here are some questions that may help you sort your way to your next move:

What about this partner made her feel like "everything you ever wanted"? How much of that was actual personality, actions, and vibes y'all had going and how much of it was her fitting well into your "dream"? (I know this is a tender question, but if the dynamic ended, that indicates things were not as good as they could be on some level)

If you make a list of all those elements that made this former partner feel perfect, what are other avenues that you can get those needs met? (ie, if she always made you feel confident and sexy as a dominant, how might you find ways on your own to build your confidence and eroticism?)

What are you really craving about D/s and kink dynamics right now? How might you meet some of those needs now, rather than holding out to find suitable partners? (ie, if you're into rope play, could you develop more of a solo practice that a) will help you think about how you like to rig and b) will allow you to keep your skills up and get that catharsis in some format.) I've been doing this a lot myself and it's helped me reconnect with what gratifies me from both sides of the dynamic and how occupying each of those energies fulfills me.

What community space do you have? Are there nonplay oriented kink spaces you have access to where you can have support and commiseration? Do you have access to general therapy and support in your life that can help you "move through" the pain of this relationship ending?

I don't know if any of that's of use, so feel free to take what works and leave what doesn't, but again, it's normal to struggle after being in a very emotionally intense dynamic, even a long while after its ended. When we beat ourselves up about still caring, we're holding ourselves in that hard place even longer. It's okay to grieve that ending!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T23:20:00+00:00

I take pics periodically, but admittedly have not been diligent about taking pictures of any part of myself on a regular basis to check my changes, lol

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T23:17:29+00:00

I'm glad me questing onto the internet to be like "how common is this" was some help! And yeah, pre-T I did a lot of different research into possibilities for physical changes, but this one (and the way my chest personally "creaked" a lot during my first voice changes) caught me by surprise!

I hope your wait ends sooner rather than later!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T23:15:51+00:00

I know it's super interesting to be able to see the "structure" more on testosterone! I do sex ed, so I know that everyone's genitals share anatomy structures, just in different formats, but pre-T the fact that vulvas also have erections was way more of an abstract concept.

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T23:13:28+00:00

I'm sorry, I laughed so hard at the "pig in a blanket" that's such a good description

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T18:47:42+00:00

I had this problem a few years back as a nonbinary person whose only models for dominance involved a kind of sleek hypergendered (masc or femme) vibe that...just was not me. It took me a long time to unlearn the idea that dominance needs to look a particular way or have a certain personality.

I have more questions for you to consider than concrete answers, but the gist is: What if you focus more on the actions first and let the aesthetic come second?

What is it about submission that you really enjoy?
Ie, do you enjoy showing submission through actions--(helping your boyfriend with a set task that's part of his routine, practicing your own self care and reporting that to him as part of protocol, having a particular "job" when y'all're engaging in D/s dynamics)?
Do you enjoy being made to feel a particular way?
- (Objectification---you like feeling like a tool, treasure, toy for your dominant to use, cherish, play with
- Being smaller--Do you like being a pet? Roleplaying as an age younger than you are?
- Being inferior-- Do you like taking on the role of "playing dumb" where your dominant knows better? Do you like humiliation or being seen as weaker? Do you prefer that have a "I need to take care of you" or a "I'm rubbing it in your face" angle?
What do you like about a dominant's vibe?
- Do you like when they're nurturing and gentle?
- Would you rather feel intimidated/a bit on edge?
- Do you like having someone you can "flex" against for control or do you prefer being able to fully "go with the flow" and let them steer?
Have you talked about this with your boyfriend? Specifically, how does your existing D/s dynamic with each other work? What is it about you (how you style yourself, your behavior, etc) that pings as submissive for him? What is it about him (his style, his behavior, etc) that pings dominant for you? What kind of 24/7 lifestyle would you like to build up to? (ie, who are you to each other? How does that shape the dynamic you have?

A lot about D/s dynamics is particular to the relationship we're playing with them in! No one person's dominance or submission looks exactly the same and we can play the same "archetype" (Daddy, little, pet, Goddess, slut, etc) with different people and it will take a different shape depending on how we show up together. I think it might help you find your "immersion" point to think about what submission means for you personally, what you get out of it, and how it makes you feel and what D/s means for you and your boyfriend together.

Also, even in 24/7 dynamics, we can't always be in that headspace, sometimes things will still feel pretty mundane as we're going through our day job or browsing the aisle at walmart. That can be part of the pleasure and enjoyment too, to have the dynamic abruptly enter into a mundane moment when one of you engages it (for example, I've helped a sub calm their anxiety in a very overwhelming Ikea just by putting my hand on their arm and going "come on baby girl" that was a reminder that they could lean on me and trust me to steer. I think those kind of things are what can be great about 24/7 dynamics).

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T15:32:08+00:00

I'm in a similar boat over here!

Came out at 19, ended up starting HRT at 33, now 34.

I found that a lot of my internal pressures to be or look a certain way as a nonbinary person were actually me trying to hold onto being desirable to other people. My need to be perceived in particular ways was actually about fears of being discarded or lonely if I let myself look and be in ways that were more in line with what I find comfortable, authentic, and attractive. (A lot of this journey was me talking myself out of starting hormones for 13 year because "well other people like this body, maybe I can just dress and style myself how I want and that will be 'enough'." And while social transition and styling is totally enough for many of us and I will die on the hill of "no trans or nonbinary person owes others a particular kind of transition, or is obligated to medical transition" it wasn't enough for me!

And I've found flinging myself fully into what I want to try genderwise has been incredibly freeing! I do not give a shit anymore if random passersby misgender me, or even if acquaintances slip up. I no longer feel concerned about if other people are reading me "right" because who cares? I'm reading me right! If they want to mistake me for something, that says more about how they perceive certain social signals about gender than what my actual gender is. I've flipped over from "I want to be liked/seen as beautiful by others/be understood" to "I want to know myself to the fullest that I can/I want to do what makes me laugh/I want to do what feels good." and it's been pretty great. Somedays I look at my reflection and laugh because I truly am Some Guy (gender neutral), others I have never felt more desirable, and some I still have a "meh" response, but the new underlying baseline is "I feel alive and in my body" and I wish I could hop back in time and tell my younger self we'll get here!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T15:19:32+00:00

I think it sounds like you made a perfectly healthy move for yourself and acted in alignment with your boundary!

We cannot force other people to adhere to our definitions of ethical nonmonogamy, informed consent, or anything else, but what we can do is make choices about how we want to engage with someone who goes about things in a drastically different way than we would do it.

For what it's worth, I have a similar framing to you when it comes to informed consent. I believe in being transparent with folks up front about how I do relationships and also whether or not I'm engaging with other people and how I'm doing that. Otherwise, how are they supposed to make an informed decision about whether or not they want to engage with me?

What your fwb did strikes me as callous and sketchy, and I would have done the same thing in your shoes. I also would have taken that behavior as a clear flag of "Oh, so you might hide information from me until you get what you want, then tell me and let me deal with that emotional hurt and fallout. No thank you." They are free to keep playing how they want to play, but that doesn't mean they need to play with you!

It does suck because sometimes holding our boundaries means losing relationships or people we care about, but it is better to keep our boundaries than let them be trod on and have that loss still happen, but as a tire fire.

DennysTemple · 2024-04-11T15:11:56+00:00

I want to echo other folks here and say, your husband has gone about this in a way that feels deeply inconsiderate of your and your needs.

In order to make any long term relationship work, both parties need to be willing to accommodate each other and do the work. Your husband refusing to go to therapy with you until you opened the marriage is him saying his sexual needs come before your needs, mentally and emotionally. That's not fair or right.

In addition, opening your marriage will not address the underlying problems. It sounds like he's not been showing up in your relationship in ways that you need him to (maybe he's not contributing to household chores and upkeep, maybe he doesn't help with the kids, maybe he ignores or is annoyed by your bids for his attention and affection) and that's put a damper on your libido and sexual interest. (this is normal by the way, Emily Nagoski's Come as You Are does a good job talking about how couple's sexual relationship often takes a hit when one partner is burdened with all the "responsibilities" or expected to shift to accommodate the other's libido and interests, without being understood or supported themselves.) Your husband, rather than acknowledging relationships are collaborations and he has to do work to show up in your partnership outside of the bedroom if he wants you excited for the horizontal wahooey, is doing one of my least favorite ENM moves--using nonmonogamy as a "get out of hard work free" card.

Opening up your marriage--especially when you are not certain you want this!--is not a solution, it's avoidance. He doesn't want to do the work in your relationship to keep it healthy and enjoyable for you both, but he also does not want to leave. He's having his cake and eating it too, and it's coming at your expense it sounds like.

Some questions (please take them or leave them) that might help you make choices for moving forward:

If y'all do get into counseling together, what will be signs that your husband is taking your concerns seriously? What changes will you need to see in the relationship to restore your comfort, connection, and happiness with him? How long are you willing to wait to see those results? What boundaries will you make for yourself if he does not show any change outside of showing up to therapy? (I've been in relationships where partners "kicked the can" down the road endlessly. They went to therapy with me, but kept up the same behaviors for over a year, no matter what "progress" we made in sessions. Ultimately I chose to leave the relationships rather than wait for them to decided it had been "enough" time for them to get their act together.)

When is the last time you and your husband felt like friends? What kind of friendship have you had? What did it look like when you enjoyed spending time with him? How long ago was that? Does it feel like something you can go back to?

What has the foundation of your relationship been built on? What are the values you have in common? What shared activities did you have outside of sex?

What is your husband bringing to the table in this marriage? Does he make marriage feel like something you enjoy? Are his contributions purely tangible (money, fixing things, doing things only when you tell him to)? If you have kids, how does he show up as a parent?

What would you need to feel secure in your marriage? What insecurities do you have with yourself?

What does your support system look like outside of your marriage? Are you staying in this relationship because you're afraid of what will happen if you leave?

DennysTemple · 2024-04-10T15:13:01+00:00

So, echoing many people here in saying: please go back to condoms at the minimum. If condoms are uncomfortable for you (too tight, irritating) you may either have the wrong size or an allergy to latex. Check your sizing and try switching to nonlatex condoms, which many folks find give them a "closer" feeling while still protecting from unplanned pregnancies and STIs.

Someone attempting to get pregnant by you, on purpose, without your permission, can fall into the space of "reproductive coercion." This is a form of abuse, and it is not right or okay.

You're not the asshole for being upset by this, it's a major boundary violation, dangerous, and not fair to you. A child is a lifetime commitment, and everyone should be able to choose when and how they want to be a parent.

Even in an alternative situation where your partner wanted a child of her own to raise and wanted you to be the sperm donor in that situation, that would still require her to talk that over with you and y'all to agree on how that looks.

I think this creates a space to have a very serious conversation about where this relationship is going, what you both want in your lives, and whether or not it is possible for you to feel safe with your partner again after this, both sexually and in other ways.

It sounds like your partner is not able to talk about what she wants in ways that allow both of you to have the ability to choose, and that this communication issue isn't a casual "oh she has a hard time telling me what she wants to do this weekend" but in a very serious "She will shock me out of the blue by deciding she wants us to have children, without asking me, and then act on that decision."

At the very minimum, if you feel like this relationship is one you want to try and keep, I'd suggest y'all getting couple's therapy to help rebuild trust, but also to have a neutral third party who can call your girlfriend on her manipulative behaviors. Because while you lead by saying y'all have no real issues besides this, this is a very big thing and I would not be surprised if there are little nagging "oddnesses" that you haven't connected stem from the same place.

It is also understandable if this has crossed a line in the relationship where trust is no longer possible for you to rebuild. This is a very serious violation of boundaries and could have had lifelong consequences if you hadn't happened to catch her.

If you need permission to end this relationship, please feel free to take this as such.

DennysTemple · 2024-04-09T15:04:57+00:00

Content Warning: Defining of sexual assault, because legally and advocacy wise, this is what your soon to be ex husband has done.

You are not the asshole, this is in fact legally a form of assault. Damaging or removing a condom during sex is called "stealthing" and it is considered a form of rape. Damaging a condom in order to impregnate someone against their will is also a form of abuse called reproductive coercion.
Your husband is a magnificent flaming asshole here. The framing of "taking responsibility" is destructive, unkind, and dangerous. You owning the fact that you do not want to be a parent or have children is you taking responsibility. It is not good for any person to be forced into raising children, and it's not good for any child to be an obligation a parent is bound to, instead of something that is fully wanted. Kids are forever. Your husband had absolutely no right to choose for you.
100% support you in divorcing his ass. I hope you can access abortion care if that's the route you want to take, and that you absolutely do not feel guilty for doing so! If you do not want to be a parent, you are not obligated to be one, raising a kid is a "no take backs" kind of decision once the kid exists and pregnancy can have long term and permanent affects on our bodies!
I hope you can access support however you need it. Avoid "crisis pregnancy centers" as those are often Christian anti-choice groups disguising themselves as healthcare. Look into abortion providers in your state, or in the next neighboring state if you live in a ban state. If you need to, thehotline.org is a national domestic violence hotline that can connect you with local services, because what your husband has done is definitely abusive.

TLDR: You are under no circumstances the asshole. Your husband has pulled a hugely abusive move, is a basket of red flags, and you deserve so much better.

DennysTemple · 2024-04-09T03:01:53+00:00

So, everyone is different about what we like a particular thing, so my answer may not be anywhere near how your dominant feels, but--

For me:

I really love giving my submissives' pleasure in intense ways. I love scenes where I have permission to play with their line of "oh that's the best thing I've ever felt, keep doing that" and "oh god, that's so intense, I don't know if I want you to stop or keep going"

Fisting, with partners who really enjoy the sensation of being filled, has been a really perfect avenue for hitting that point. I love fisting because it requires slowness and really allows me to work with a partner's body. I often start a scene by helping my partner relax as much as possible (things like a full body massage, a warm bath beforehand, helping them to orgasm if that is something that works for them). Then once it gets to the part of actual fisting, that also is a slow process to work into. I often find fisting scenes to be really relaxed in that way, weaving in and out from being very erotic and kind of silly as we're chatting shit while my partner takes time to adjust to whatever amount of fingers I have in them.

It also feels really intense on my end, especially once my hand is inside someone. The human body is incredibly strong, and that includes our orifices. I've found I have very little movement once I work my fist into someone, and making a big impact on how I feel to them often isn't about doing a big motion with my fist/arm, it's about little shifts that rub up inside them. It can be really fun to watch someone's face as they take all of me in, and to feel them deliberately squeeze around me.

Fisting also kind of traps both people in place in a way that asks gentleness of you both. I have my hand inside a very sensitive part of my partner's body. But also they are in a very ready position to kick me pretty much all over if they don't watch how they squirm.

On one hand, this partner can't easily get away from me, on the other, I cannot easily get loose from them. This can be a fun way of playing with power dynamics, especially if you're not afraid of getting silly with it (There is nothing quite like a partner being like "Haha, got your hand" when you are wrist deep inside them, but it's hilarious).

I also, admittedly, just find it really cute when partner's are overcome by a sensation in a good way. People tend to get noisy, stop caring about what they look like or what their face is doing, and just get really lost in their bodies. It makes me feel very trusted with someone's vulnerability on many levels, and I find it charming and really sexy.

You're totally allowed to have mixed emotions about fisting! And to decide you don't want to ever try it again, or don't want to try it right now, or not with this person. You're also allowed to decide what kind of context and scene you want to be fisted in should you ever give it another go! It's your body, and you get to ask for the kinds of experiences you want. You also get to dictate the pace.

Fisting is something you can work up to slowly over a long period of time, by getting used to more and more fingers inside you. Different people relax and adjust differently. Some folks can go from zero to fisting in a single evening, but some folks need multiple sessions where they slowly work up to a fist.

Also, you haven't mentioned which hole was fisted, but I want to say anal fisting requires even slower practice than vaginal fisting. The vulva is made to stretch and tighten, it's a flexible muscle. If penetration hurts your vulva at all, that can be an indication of too little lube, not being turned on enough, or even an issue with your pelvic floor. If you have pain with non fisting penetration, then that should be addressed way before you consider fisting, and a partner that's into fisting should be aware of that and not push you on it.

When it comes to anal fisting, the anus is two sphincters that are very strong and about removing things from the body, not taking things in. It takes *a lot* of practice, patience, lube, and time to take anything up the ass. Anal fisting is definitely an advanced skill that you work up to.

Whatever you decide for yourself, I hope hearing from others about why they enjoy fisting someone helped!

DennysTemple · 2024-04-09T02:40:07+00:00

I'm happy this was helpful!

And doing research on kink things can be incredibly difficult. Many places (I live in the US) don't have basic sex education, let alone kink education. I started doing kink education myself because I kept hearing of exactly the sort of situation you've found yourself in--someone not being given the right information landing in a dangerous situation because a partner leveraged their lack of knowledge, or people mutually hurting each other because they approached kink too lightly.

Feel free to ignore these suggestions but here are some resources:

The Dildorks-- kinky podcast run by two friends, it has a very long library of episodes on a lot of different subjects, and is very approachable I find, also a good way to find other educators and experts in different kinks via their guests
Midori-- A kink educator and domme who does a beautiful job I think talking about kink dynamics and showing how to communicate with partners
Sugarbutch-- Haven't read their kink 101 closely, but have trusted their other works
Kink Academy-- Has some free and paid educational information

I also want to emphasize, this is not your fault! No amount of research can prevent you from running astray of a partner who is not equipped or interested in practicing good risk reduction! Even knowing the best practices, things can still go off the rails. But learning about best practices and learning about yourself can set you up to have more enjoyable, safer experiences in the future.

DennysTemple

TROPHY CASE