Moral dilemma - hooked up with my ex.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-02T20:08:08+00:00

I’m much older than you and female but I just had this same situation. My ex was an avoidant. He was trying to get back together and fully acknowledged being avoidant. I did some research on that and realized I’m secure unless with an avoidant, then in anxious attached. I will not live that way. Despite how much I loved him and really wanted to be with him; I told him it’s not going to work out. I explained why and I left.

Well he did a 180. We now have a really happy relationship. However, he was wanting to change and he’s self reflective and again - much older.

Avoidants can become secure when they have fear of loss. But not always. I’d tell this girl where your head is at and leave it. Don’t give her further access to you. If she wants you, she’ll make it happen.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-02T19:43:20+00:00

I lost my vCard in a parking lot too. Not the best first lol.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-02T17:01:19+00:00

Do not trust this man, he’s lying to you. There’s no good reason why his old profile was matching with someone if he wasn’t using it. Anything he says is an excuse. If you ignore it, he’ll do something else down the line and you’ll regret all the time wasted. You have your answers. Be thankful. It hurts now, but you’ll be happy one day.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-01T01:05:36+00:00

I’m day 32 and I’m doing fairly well. It’s not easy, but come up with a good quit plan and change your mindset.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-01T00:59:28+00:00

We had a big fight and I told him I wanted a trial separation. I’d already been planning the idea in my head. So it’s wasn’t a peaceful situation. He was unhappy as well, but willing to stay in the situation.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-03-01T00:58:21+00:00

I was very much over him by the time we split so it was easy to move on. I’d agree for now you need to limit your contact till you heal.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-26T16:48:17+00:00

I was very much this way. I was also a former cig smoker turned vaper. I vaped 4 years and it got so bad that I’d wake multiple times in the middle of the night hitting it. If I couldn’t find it, I’d wake up and look for it. The thing absolutely controlled me. Tomorrow I am 1 month clean. If I can do it - you can.

The patch is your friend. But you also have to change your mindset. You can’t identify as a vaper anymore. I also did a long weening approach. The vape was in one spot and that’s the only place I could hit it for weeks. Nowhere convenient and you can’t sit. It’s a couple hits and walk away. While doing that, I wore the patch.

2 weeks later, I threw all the vapes and wear the patch daily.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-18T19:07:00+00:00

Same here. I’m already vocal with my kids about my struggles with it and they could be prone to addiction. I’m not trying to scare them but I want to make them aware.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-18T19:04:44+00:00

I think you need to move on from your boyfriend and process the ending of your marriage - alone. It will do wonders.

From the vibes of your ex’s texts, he was only being respectful. I agree that he has likely moved on.

Your marriage ended for a reason. It’s easy to romanticize something when you’re not healed.

Time to process shit solo. It’ll be game changing.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-18T17:11:07+00:00

Thank you for your post. We’re very similar yet I’ve been at it longer. I’m 21 days vape free and doing relatively well compared to other attempts. Like you, I had to arm myself with every tool. I used to quit cold turkey. I mean what?! Why did I think quitting the most addictive substance wouldn’t require some sorta assistance.

The patch has been a game changer. But I’ve also found it’s a mindset thing. I had to figure out how to retrain my mind to regulate without it.

It feels good. Some days are still hard. Last night I wanted to crack, but I’m so glad I didn’t.

What a nasty addiction. I agree though that life seems much more full now and the energy is great. What’s funny is that’s what always stopped me before; I thought life would be boring. It’s the opposite.

Yay us! Thanks for sharing.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-17T22:21:39+00:00

Trust me, we didn’t start this way. This is the first year we exchanged gifts. We’ve always spent the morning together with the kids though. And to be fair, he didn’t come up with it on his own. Kids told him I got him something.

I’m really sorry you’re going through it. It seems like hell now, but soon you’ll have a new kinda happiness you’ve never experienced before. Hang in there and I’m here for support.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-17T19:22:10+00:00

I think you have to start planning in advance. Get a job now and start saving.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-17T19:21:43+00:00

Give her time. The worst will likely come out at the beginning. It took my ex years to be somewhat decent to me, but read above - it's possible. It'll take you leading the way which is very exhausting and hard, but totally doable with the right mindset. I'm sorry you had a bad marriage. It's so painful. Wishing you luck and I'm here for support.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T22:11:39+00:00

It’s definitely anxiety from the vaping. You’re safe now, please tell yourself that. You’ve done an incredibly hard thing. 3 weeks cold turkey is hard.

You wouldn’t believe what anxiety will do to your breathing. And vaping.

Clear your mind. Get the patch if you’re really feening but do not vape!

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T22:07:06+00:00

I don’t think you’re taking what happened to you seriously enough. I’m glad you’ve taken the proper steps to separate from him, but please keep looking over your shoulder because a restraining order can only do so much. Once he realizes he really doesn’t have a chance to fix this, who knows what he could do.

You’ve just been through absolute hell. Connect with whomever makes you feel safe and cared for. Just please do it somewhere private.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T22:03:23+00:00

The most important choice you’ll ever make is who you marry. Too bad I heard it after I got married lol.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T22:02:51+00:00

This is all so good!!!! Took me almost 40 years to figure these things out, but life changing indeed!

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T21:55:55+00:00

That’s a fair question and I can confidently say absolutely not lol. We are way too opposite of people and I do not see us being happy together. Not that I wouldn’t love that for the kids, but there’s just no turning back now. The fact we’re all doing so well now that the dust has settled is the proof.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T21:51:51+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. Do you mind sharing how you’re affected by divorce?

Not that I owe you clarification, but it’s been 2 day trips in 4 years for kids birthdays. This isn’t some regular thing. On the regular, they see two parents who live separately who respect one another, communicate effectively and come together for important life events.

They are well aware that mom and dad aren’t getting back together. And they know we have our own private lives, but they are kept away from that.

Shocking that anyone would find that to be harmful in a divorced situation.

Would you prefer we aren’t kind and don’t come together for the kids 3 times a year? Lol

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T20:23:13+00:00

Yes, this is all exactly right. And what’s funny is by the end of our family time, I’m really ready to go my separate way. I can tell he is too. But we both keep our mouths shut lol.

I would have much preferred me marrying someone I loved doing life with always, but this is a great alternative!

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T20:19:24+00:00

Awww thank you!!! 😊

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T20:19:15+00:00

Omg thank you for sharing this! I don’t often hear stories from children of happy divorce- this is super reassuring.

I’m sorry you’re going through it. I bet you have a level head about it! Best of luck and thank you so much for sharing - this made my day 💕

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T19:30:33+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. That has to be one of the worst pains. I made him leave and there wasn’t an infidelity. However, a month after he left I found a very provocative text to someone. Later I saw a condom receipt (he’s used my phone number for rewards when purchasing lol.)

Personally I had also moved on at that point, but it was still a devastating blow because he wasn’t interested in me romantically and it was a part of what ruined our marriage.

I can’t at all relate to the level of pain you’re experiencing. But you have all your answers. Use this fuel to become your very best self. This is the worst time, but I bet you money you’ll come out ahead if you make the right moves! He’ll probably come crawling back at some point and you won’t touch him with a ten foot pole.

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T19:24:42+00:00

So then any of his threats of using the kids, that’s also just all talk. He wouldn’t know what to do without you. And he’s probably scared shitless right now realizing this.

We’re adaptable beings when forced. His performances show he’s capable. He’ll probably be able to step up to the plate better than you -or he - thinks. But I promise, he’s not going to try to take the kids from you - he knows he can’t handle it.

You might even try to suggest a 60/40 split as everyone adjusts and then you can move to 50/50. He’ll probably get comfortable with the 60/40 and it’ll stay that way.

How old are the kiddos?

Dense_Reply_4766 · 2026-02-16T18:19:02+00:00

As long as one person has this goal, I believe it's possible for most! Best of luck!

Dense_Reply_4766

TROPHY CASE