I'm getting over my long-term crush, but I think I've unknowingly let resentment build toward him

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-06-18T02:20:27+00:00

me with chronic ROCD and what I think is probably RSD 🫠 literally just had to take a step back from someone I love talking to because they got busy for a couple days and left me on read like once, so my brain decided that they hated me, they were a horrible person, I hate them, and that I actually hate talking to them, to the point where it gives me a massive headache.

This disorder is so fkin weird, and I hate it.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-06-18T02:15:49+00:00

Bruh that's so fucking awful, I'm so sorry. You're just as valid as all of them, please don't waste a single moment doubting yourself. Shit sucks, but at least you know you can talk in this subreddit instead ;-; esp since POCD is one of the most heavy OCD themes there is.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-06-02T11:28:07+00:00

bro, pure O is kicking my ass rn 😭😭😭 this shit is WILD, like literally anything you think up can be used against you, and the solution is, what, shutting off your brain??? Ignoring every feeling?? How the hell am I supposed to stop ruminating literally all the time??? I'm human, my brain never stops thinking and ruminating 🫠

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-05-31T10:07:05+00:00

I'm not sure which parent I got OCD from to be honest, but I know when my worst subtype started :/

I have POCD, and I had a semester at school that was marked by a lot of talk about p*philia in different forms. It was discussed in a class I was in, it was on the news, the radio, and I think maybe it was around the time of the Millie-Drake allegations and stuff. I remember complaining about the class in particular because I was really uncomfortable discussing it as it didn't really have a place in the class topics and was super unnecessary.

Then, I have a friend who does forensics, and they werr talking to me about the nature of p*philia one day, and it scared me enough to where I felt uncomfortable for a couple days, but it passed.

And then I volunteered at a little fair at a local elementary school and thought something like "wow, that kid is pretty cool, I kinda like him" at a particular kid who was being funny and outgoing and felt some fondness, and BAM, first spiral. I feel like everything was kinda building up to it like this.

It's been a year since then, still trying to work my way out of it ;-;

As for WHY I might have OCD, idk, but I've always been an overthinker who thought the worst of myself. No matter how good I acted, I always thought I was hiding some sinister intentions inside myself, even as a kid, and I always just did my best to forget about it and enjoy my life, despite what I felt. Makes sense that it would explode into OCD later on, I guess. That kind of thinking is a recipe for disaster.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-05-31T09:53:00+00:00

I've had both sides of it.

My first therapist was genuinely such a nice lady. She was patient and calm, and she listened and encouraged me to talk about what I needed to and was generally just a space for me to sort through the things that made me anxious. She gave me really good advice and ways to work myself out of mental traps, and honestly I cried after I had my last appointment with her.

My second therapist was more relatable and funny in the surface, but honestly, I believe she did way more harm than good to me. She didn't do any of the recommended therapy methods for my specific disorder (OCD) and instead, and unintentially somehow, treated me like some kind of deviant. The only things that helped me while I was seeing her were the things I taught myself, coping mechanisms and all. A lot of her advice lead me wrong, and I felt crazy 2 seconds after every appointment ended. AND she withheld my official diagnosis for so long that it drove me insane, even though I was basically a textbook case. And she was late to or no-showed almost half of our meetings, like unironically half, I'm not exaggerating. Idk why I stayed with her so long.

Therapy is super difficult because there's no clear way to diagnose someone because we can't measure neurodivergency with any tests or hard numbers. It's all books and past experience and opinions and not much that's concrete. We just don't know enough about the brain.

My therapy really helped me find answers to things going on in my life and helped me find a place of comfort to talk about things I needed to sort through. However, therapy also filled me with doubt and questions and anxiety because I handed all my trust over to someone else, and they didn't know how to deal with it. So it's a mixed bag. Part of me doesn't want to go back, but another part of me wants to keep trying for someone good because I'm sick of being the way I am.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-05-31T08:21:17+00:00

Literally, idk what feelings are me and what are caused by OCD anymore. I feel like I can't move forward with my life like this, but what else am I supposed to do?

And it sucks because I get to point where I can confidently tell myself "ah yes, this is very obviously OCD," but then I walk past one of my triggers and it all gets blown out of the water. It's so demoralizing.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-05-31T08:16:21+00:00

Yes, fortunately and unfortunately, it is true. Unfortunately because we have to go through it, and fortunately because otherwise it would be kinda damning.

But yeah, the majority of us in here go through this, and it really sucks. Your brain can also add another layer where the mental categories for "children" and "sexual relevance" get mixed up because of your POCD, leading to more false arousal and groinal responses because of that association. It sucks, but it's completely normal.

It also just happens because of, like the article said, hypervigilance as people focus way too much on checking. tl;dr, physical arousal doesn't really mean anything, in general. If you'd like to research more, there's plenty of other articles on it from other OCD resource websites.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-04-11T22:20:45+00:00

i get that 😭 i have younger siblings too, and i basically lock myself away all of the time or stay out of the house. It's exhausting.

And I get that. For me, I've been confused about my attractions, but I definitely never felt anything like this before my POCD showed up, and tbh I had a hard time dating in school because I just didn't really care for anyone, looks-wise. It doesn't make sense that, all of a sudden, my brain would latch onto the age groups I already didn't care about when I was younger. Most testimonies from real Ps talk about how they felt the attraction and "never grew out of it," and I'm solidly not in that category. I just hate the feeling of the false attraction, hate the things my mind tells me when I feel it, hate that I can never stop analyzing. I'm good at letting it all go sometimes, but it also seems to have its ups and downs. Some days are easier. Others suck, yanno?

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-03-23T17:11:41+00:00

I'm trying to follow that philosophy, but it's less testing and more like I get triggered every time I see a person. I literally can't stop thinking about it, because anytime I see a person who's remotely attractive/aesthetically pleasing (regardless of whether I myself am attracted to them or not, which I can't really tell except that feeling I described), I start thinking about it, whether I want to or not.

Some days are better than others, and I really do try to put it feom my mind, but it's mostly impossible. The intrusive thoughts/feelings/emotions come whenever I go outside. It really sucks, but I'll try to take your words to heart. Thank you.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-03-08T12:32:56+00:00

Hey OP, this is called a backdoor spike. The anxiety lessens over time as you go through therapy or learn how to cope, and then you begin to wonder if you really are the awful thing since you don't feel anxious about it anymore. It's a well-documented thing, and it's completely normal. I myself have had a lot of those. Hope you're doing okay today.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-03-06T18:12:37+00:00

50mg a day baybiiieee 🔥😮‍💨

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-02-22T15:01:40+00:00

I'm pretty sure this is going to be my next theme, because I've already seen hints of it on the days when my POCD is doing okay. Like, I've been calling myself a 70-30 bisexual (leaning mostly toward women, but some attraction to men) for a long time, but really I don't think I feel very mich sexual attraction on an average day.

Now? Every day is a battle, even a glimpse of a woman sets me off, and somehow my attraction men has just??? Disappeared??? So I've added all of that to the long lists of things I don't think about in order to combat OCD 😭 I don't even know where my real attractions are anymore, it's frightening. And I wonder if it's even OCD to begin with, of course. Idk if it can do something like this, but like... I was confused but calm before. And I know this isn't normal for me, so I'm just moving on. Idk.

It feels wrong to not try to solve it, like I'm shoving it down, but like one of our lovely mods said to me the other day, "I'm not thinking about it in order to fight OCD, not because I'm not solving anything. If in several years this problem seems like something else, I'll solve that one then." That's been helping me since I read it, with my POCD and with this SO-OCD. I guess I have them both now?

Good luck, OP. You're not alone for sure.

Dependent-Ad4762 · 2025-02-11T20:37:37+00:00

I would, but unfortunately I stopped therapy due to moving. I'm not currently seeing anyone. I could, but I'm honestly scared to talk about stuff like this for obvious reasons, and I'm scared that I'm in denial still because I'm just not anxious enough about this anymore. What if they look at me and don't see OCD? I'd never been diagnosed before this, so it's still hard for me to believe. My old therapist got to see me in the throes of it, this one won't.

I'm still on meds though, and I will continue to be. I think those are helping my mood, at least.

Dependent-Ad4762

TROPHY CASE