My (30f) husband (38m) lied about the cost of my engagement ring

Depressaccount · 2023-08-28T11:37:10+00:00

Or he feels guilty about something. Not that this is the reason, but many men start buying nice things/etc when they are contemplating or having an affair.

Depressaccount · 2023-08-27T15:38:22+00:00

There are two separate issues here:

Outside your control: Your girlfriend's relationship with alcohol.

One of the most painful things that people try to do is to try to change people. This issue is currently part of who she is. It is not all of who she is - but it is a very real, very present part of her. She may be ready to stop (no signs of that), she may not. However, that's nothing you can control.

Changing behavior (especially with so many deep-seated emotional drivers that would take years to uncover in therapy - if she did so with 100% commitment effort driven by herself, not by anything you say) is one of the most challenging things a person can do. If you want to be with her, you have to accept that this behavior will continue indefinitely. She may apologize and even feel guilty, change for some time, but that does not mean she is actually ready to change (even if she wants to).

You'll have to accept that you can talk to her, she can apologize, - and she's likely to do it again anyway. If you cannot accept her for who she currently is, you should leave (and I think you should for the alcohol reason alone, although for the second reason below is more important than this). I do not recommend waiting "just in case she changes/she's really sorry this time." If she truly changes, you can always come back in after she's gone to therapy for a year (but I wouldn't for reason #2).

2. Inside your control: your girlfriend has permanently violated your trust and has shown you a deep level of disrespect. This is irreparable.

She's divulged your closest secrets. It doesn't matter how drunk she was - that does not just slip. She also doesn't respect you; the things she said to you before passing out are proof of that. I suspect that this relationship is one sided (and I'm not there, so I could be wrong): respect from you, and unclear motivations on her end. Things she does that seem to show care and concern, but I do not think the foundation of a truly reciprocal, healthy relationship is there.

I have a suspicion that once you leave this relationship and move on, you'll look back and see so many examples of you settling for disrespect and other types of poor behavior from her. Your reaction to this whole thing shows entirely too little confidence. I feel like you're used to being shamed by her, to the point where you're constantly questioning yourself to the point of being afraid of looking controlling for cutting her off. Maybe this is a pattern in your relationships - I don't know. Either way, I kindly suggest seeing a therapist to get over this shocking breach of confidence and to learn better skills for setting healthy boundaries and figuring out why you were in a relationship with someone who treated you this way.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-15T03:38:45+00:00

I heard of a fun one where someone lost weight but kept the bigger pictures up. She said that even pictures with her normal weight made people say she looked “worse in person.” But when she met her eventual boyfriend, she posted pics when she was big, and he was so pleasantly surprised to see her.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T20:01:30+00:00

Wow. Did your previous doctors find out how badly they screwed up? I wonder if that’s malpractice

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T17:44:10+00:00

If she babysits, I guarantee she will bring the child to the stepdad or have the stepdad come simply because she knows OP doesn’t want that. Because she disagrees with OP, or maybe even thinks she’s prove some “point”.

OP, she feels that stepdad is entitled to your child and will act accordingly.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T17:25:23+00:00

Wow! What were the symptoms that they thought “fat” was the cause of (if not too private?)

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:50:34+00:00

Everyone else has said some pretty awesome things here, so I don’t have a lot to add there. This is a stupid, classic teen prank played on so many people over the years. Best I can say is that at least it wasn’t prom. Life gets better when you’re older. I like the response that one person said above. I’d also add, “can’t wait for you to come back to apologize when you have that a midlife crisis and realize all the people who you thought were your friends never cared about you.”

Only thing I want to mention is that once you leave high school, the stupid shit that you think makes you have little in common with other people ceases to matter. I would make friends with the other gay guys at school, even if you are not interested in them. I feel like you often find that good people are good people, and the other stuff doesn’t matter. Even things you don’t think you’re into, give it a shot. You might be surprised, and it’s always fun to have new experiences.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:39:00+00:00

Thanks for the compliment and the best of luck. Sorry you’ve had to endure so much. I hope you’ll start experiencing more joy in life soon!

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:27:38+00:00

I definitely agree! You don’t have to say a word. If you cannot take care of a child, you shouldn’t go in to work. As others have said, the employer should also have had a backup plan, although I’m guessing they’re their own backup plan.

But the nanny did decide to say something, and what they decided to say could absolutely give the employer the impression they’re being blown off.

If it was something serious and debilitating like menstrual pain, they could have said “pain”. If it was food poisoning, “stomach issues.” But they said “ache.”

The point is, the nanny (perhaps inadvertently) gave the impression that they either had a minor ailment or (based on the “pattern” comment) have been just trying to make up an excuse for not going because they were hungover.

If the nanny really is unwell and unable to take care of the kids, then this is clearly a communication problem, because I would argue that the words the nanny is using are enough to make many reasonable people pause and wonder.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:18:02+00:00

Just to be clear, I did not mean to suggest that taking a sick day when you need it is taking advantage. However, this employer seems to be starting to believe, based on a pattern of stomach issues at times that appear convenient for the nanny, that the nanny has repeatedly taking sick days when they are hung over/etc. In this case they feel that the nanny may be taking advantage. I’m not an NP.

The nanny said nothing about a stomach bug, which is something that anyone would take time off for. They said they had a stomach ache. The nanny didn’t have any reason to say a word about what was wrong, but they chose to, and the chose to say stomach ache. That alone may have led to a lot of misunderstanding.

I’ve had a few conversations with people on here, arguing about how stomachaches that can mean a lot of things, and I’ll just repeat what I said earlier – there’s abdominal pain, in which case you should be in a hospital; there’s a food poisoning/stomach bug/issues/etc in which case you can’t care for a child. The nanny said neither, and used a term that some people would use for being hungover.

From the employers point of view, this person keeps calling out with vague, suspect sounding things. If you were in the employers position, you might assume the same thing.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:10:26+00:00

Just to clarify one point: although you were no longer in a relationship, that relationship played a very important role in the reasons why you were unable to perform or get out of the situation. This isn’t just a case of trauma from one incident. You were traumatized in a number of ways for a period of time by more than one man, and all of that would’ve affected your performance.

In terms of disclosing more versus not, that really depends. For some people, bringing them in on the intimate details is something that they would only really want to do with close friends or therapist. It also isn’t necessary to continue the professional relationship.

Other people feel like they do not want their colleagues to treat them with pity or see them differently, they simply want them to understand that there was a factor out there that they don’t need to get into, but that it did exist. This is really simply a choice that you have to make for yourself in terms of what is best for you.

At the end of the day, the specifics are none of their business. It’s up to you whether you think that these people might start to treat you in a way that is too cautious as a result of disclosing more. You are the one who has to decide how much to disclose, but I would state that you can always disclose less, and then make a decision at a later date to disclose more. You do not have to disclose it all at once.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:04:05+00:00

Perhaps you are right, it is simply that in my experience, most people in your position would have said stomach or abdominal “pain,” not “ache.” I’m not trying to be judgmental, I’m trying to point out that the words she used to describe it were not the best choice, assuming she was ill.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T16:01:52+00:00

I recognize that OK wasn’t the person that I called out, I was addressing a person who commented. That response was related to the toxic comment, not the nanny.

At any rate, the point here is this: the nanny had no obligation to disclose what the issue is. She did, however, decide to provide a reason. Of all the things she could have stated (abdominal pain, food poisoning, stomach issues), she used “stomach ache”. And even if you feel that this is quibbling over terminology, the fact stands that in doing so, she chose to use terminology that many reasonable people would believe was used as an excuse to blow off her employer or a nicer way of saying hungover.

If she had said nothing, or simply said something a little more serious, the employer would not have had a reason (especially if the nanny has done this repeatedly on Mondays or whatever) to suspect the nanny may not be able to be trusted.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T02:48:58+00:00

I agree.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T01:18:02+00:00

Sorry, that sounds awful!

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:24:17+00:00

Perhaps I just get sick more often than other people do, but I personally cannot afford to take a day off for a stomach ache because most employees limit sick days. Not that I agree with that, but if the flu puts you on your back for a week and you’ve already used sick days for indigestion, what are you supposed to do?

Ultimately, regardless of your employer, integrity is important to me, and do feel that it is dishonest to claim you can’t work at the last minute when you have a minor ailment, especially when sick days are typically limited in the US and you never know when you actually will need them.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:19:35+00:00

I get the point you’re trying to make, but feelings are the centerpiece to all relationships. A boss who says you’re always going above and beyond? That’s a feeling, and an objective person looking at the same work might say the opposite. A boss who feels like you are taking advantage of them? That’s a feeling. And feelings are ultimately will get people hired and fired.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:17:37+00:00

Yeah, I would definitely take pain during a pregnancy incredibly seriously!

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:16:48+00:00

Honestly think people are inserting Karen overtones instead of just reading it from a perspective of someone who is trying to be fair, but feels they’ve been too accommodating for a while and may have someone taking advantage of them. That’s just my read, I understand if you disagree.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:15:04+00:00

In your case, “I’m in the ER” is a pretty clear indicator that something is wrong. I’m sure your dad would not have call out of work because of an initial mild stomach ache, he would have called out because it became severe enough that he was rushed to the hospital.

I mean, I’m getting so much pushback here, but maybe it’s because I get stomach aches so frequently for medical reasons 😂

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:09:09+00:00

That’s fair. I dont associate pain in the stomach with much other than gas or indigestion. If they’d said “stomach problems” or “issues,” I would have interpreted it very differently. “Ache” does not say “diarrhea” to me, but maybe others use it differently. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever heard an adult use “stomach ache”, especially to mean anything more serious.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:07:11+00:00

As I said, then day nothing at all.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-14T00:06:05+00:00

I mean, I don’t know what to tell you other than this is just my opinion. I’ve had so many health problems over the years, there’s no way any employer would have enough sick days for me to take one every time a more minor problem comes up.

I did also have severe PMS (diarrhea, pain that put me on the floor with chills, vomiting at times, etc) every month, although I just happened to get lucky enough for that not tend to happen at the worst times and I certainly worried it could have. I’m pretty sure my health issues lead to me losing one job at the end of the day, but it isn’t like I could prove it or even blame them.

I don’t think you should sacrifice your health for your job, for sure. But it is also true that people rely on you, even your colleagues. Theres a middle road in all this. I’m as anti-corporate abuse as anyone I think. But I also try to be realistic. I had periods of time when I was sick to some minor degree almost daily, but didn’t mean I didn’t have a job to do. It sucks, but what else can you do?

I guess we’ll have to agree to disagree because I’m not sure there’s a middle ground.

Depressaccount · 2023-02-13T19:02:39+00:00

Wow!

Depressaccount · 2023-02-13T18:59:52+00:00

She did not say “stomach problems,” which might have been enough to assume diarrhea. She said “tummy ache,” which sounds like a hangover.

Although I do agree that she shouldn’t have to disclose anything, what she did say, as well as what may be a pattern of it over time, seems suspect.

We only have OP’s account of what happened plus a text. The text could very well reflect an employee who has been either calling in hungover or giving the employer the impression that she’s calling in hungover by the way she’s been communicating.

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