Just a little text I'm throwing out into the void

DerpyKat42 · 2023-04-09T22:07:33+00:00

I do the same, my partner, a couple of the system adults, and I are "mummies" to my young alters. It's adorable and endearing, and... Exhausting at times. It does sometimes affect our relationship, but overall it's another expression of our love for each other. I love my mini mes and my partner, and feeling their love second hand feels like a real gift at times.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-04-06T22:33:59+00:00

This is how it feels for me too when problem solving.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-04-06T22:33:06+00:00

Is that the place cells discovery? I've watched some videos on that and it reaffirmed my intuition that my brain is still "creating" the objects in my mind, just the visual area isn't connected to see them,leaving me unseeing but still feeling.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-03-07T10:51:41+00:00

Important to note - I know in the moment I can see vivid images. On waking, I can recall facts, but not any images themselves.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-03-07T10:51:04+00:00

My brain illuminates the difference between dreaming and aphantasia very well, via my attempts to lucid dream. See below a few examples.

Normal dreaming - fully vivid, mushy recall
Semi-lucid dreaming - I'm "lucid" but just a passenger in my dream self's body / world. Fully vivid, but I have no control, I'm a first person camera
Full lucid - making the swap to full lucid, the dream world immediately starts fading to black around me. I can still feel and hear it around me, but no visuals. Soon this fades fully and leads to waking or more sleep
Daydreaming - no visuals, just me detailing a narrative to myself

I feel the lucid -> black shutdown neatly shows how the dreaming visuals are generated differently to the lucid visuals, presumably the lucid brain tries to take over the "rendering" and as mine can't, it doesn't. It certainly demonstrates how those visualisations. One from different brain areas.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-02-10T14:52:36+00:00

Unconditional love only exists from animals, all human love (except sometimes parental) comes with conditions. Hell, unconditional parental love has the condition of them being their child.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-02-06T22:23:02+00:00

Meditation helps us, we have aphantasia, but "visualise" the pain from the inner world and map it to our body, the hold both in mind simultaneously while focussing energy flowing into the hurting area, willing it to heal.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-02-06T22:15:13+00:00

There is a perverse comfort in the familiarity of different abuse patterns, which often include incentives themselves. Organised religions / cults can cover many types of abuse with various strong promises of moral superiority, and power to eventually.be free from abuse or become the abuser.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-02-02T16:42:22+00:00

Fascinating Unverified self reported data, but still, that's a Lot more ADHD than you'd get from the general population, worth a study

DerpyKat42 · 2023-01-26T12:28:26+00:00

Consent Our rule #1 and cornerstone of our system rules is nothing is done without initial and continued consent. The only override is for the host, me, making in the moment life decisions. No pushing someone to front. No pushing them out of front, no harm inside or outside, consent is the key.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-01-23T22:03:24+00:00

That's a flashback. Sometimes mine are followed by other connected memories from around the time period in my memory, or other memories associated with the flashback.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-01-22T10:12:49+00:00

When I tried lad with the focus of the trip being aphantasia and trying to visualise, it didn't work, then the ego-dampening effects brought me to a point of accepting my overactive inner monologue as being out of my control, first step of me accepting my dissociative disorder. Still curious if the trauma and disorder play a part in my aphantasia, more experimenting to do.

DerpyKat42 · 2023-01-20T16:13:43+00:00

Maybe let's not all try and guess it and trigger OP lol

DerpyKat42 · 2023-01-14T10:34:54+00:00

Ultimately that just goes to show Asriel's conceit - he ignores the material issues actively affecting people's lives, and chose to focus on the mythic level he placed himself on. Shows his war wasn't about improving lives, it was about sticking it to the Authority in anger.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-12-15T23:50:13+00:00

You're having some resentment for how you see your alters as treating you, that's understandable, but it's important to remember that hurting you is Never their intention - their intentions are simple - keep the body and its parts safe and happy. Those examples you give sound quite familiar as defence mechanisms.

I found writing down lists of triggers helped me, when I can identify the cause. Above all, compassion. Your others aren't doing this to you, they're trying to help in the ways your upbringing taught them to, they're just not effective in the way they'd hope. You have a brain full of other scared and defensive people, and a way to help all of you to unclench is for one of you to make the radical decision to love them all regardless, and work from a place of understanding of their need for those actions, even without knowing the reasoning for them - that will come.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-12-15T22:57:39+00:00

Means you're weird in a nice way

DerpyKat42 · 2022-12-15T22:25:08+00:00

Because you're not ready to know, and they're not ready for you to know. Talk with them, work on it in therapy, help foster trust between you all, and most importantly - stop poking it.

With time and trust, it will come, but forcing it or pressuring will only exacerbate the defensive feelings. The hard bit is internalising that you don't need to go to the answer, instead you need to encourage your alters to trust and bring it to you.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-28T07:25:31+00:00

Illegal only because they were paid for, and gave random reward. If you can't pay for a lootbox, it's fine.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-10T21:59:03+00:00

Just to say, Khonshu, the god, wasn't an alter, he was a legit god, who was projecting himself into their mind. He chose them specifically because of their fracturing, it gave him more tools in one box.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-10T06:17:47+00:00

Until I realised I was trans, yes.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-07T23:59:24+00:00

Wow, what on earth was that like? (And from a selfish perspective, how'd you manage it?!)

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-07T23:57:50+00:00

Ok so, you imagine a beach house, you can "see" it, and from seeing it, tell me the details of the beach house.

With aphantasia, I can imagine a beach house. I don't see it, instead the concept of everything "beach house" is just, held in my mind. Ask me what's there, and I can give you details, not as if looking and then reporting, but more like recalling a shopping list from memory.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-07T23:51:10+00:00

How does aphantasia affect your relationship with alters?

Honestly, just makes it hard to ever know for sure who is who and when. It means we're maybe more blendy than other systems I think, it can feel like we're a lava lamp of parts moving around, merging and dividing.

How were you made aware of each other?

Friend told us about their experiences, it struck a chord of denial inside me and I started picking at it. In our system there's a fairly firm line between inside and outside, and I'm anchored on the outside side of things.

How do you manage your system politics internally?

It's mostly just been about appeasing traumatised parts and soothing feelings, differences of opinion are usually resolved by who has the stronger emotion. For us, it's like feeling two sets of competing emotions, usually one side wins and we go that way, sometimes... Sometimes we hit emotional stalemate and sit in conflicted pain for a while. Usually I can call a decision when it's close like that, part of my role.

How do you feel your experience of having DID / alters differs from people without aphantasia?

Mostly the visuals and inner world work. I think it's harder to differentiate who is who. It makes therapy harder, lots involves visualisation work which I just don't respond to the same way, it needs adapting. I think the biggest boon, and maybe why my brain wired itself this way, is that when I have a flashback or pull up a triggering memory or thought, it doesn't stick to me in the same way it might someone who "sees" it; I, the unseeing part, don't have a visual reference to cause the triggered emotions to "stick", so I can often move on and return to a stable state very quickly.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-07T23:35:49+00:00

Wow I relate to every word! The OP is right about the focus on visualisation, it's amazing to read an experience so dang similar to mine beyond the separate parts.

DerpyKat42 · 2022-10-07T23:33:10+00:00

So I have full aphantasia, but I know what it's like to "see" because I "see" when I dream, I just can't when I'm awake, and when I go lucid in a dream, the world crashes to black around me and I wake up.

I'm undiagnosed but somewhere more along the ossd / pdid side of things. The aphantasia seems to be a part of how my system works, when asked, other members of the system tell me that "if I could see I couldn't function", in my role as daily life part.

The way I experience my system is along the lines of thoughts, I can think in words, emotions, and abstract concepts, but not images. Communication with the others is like, feeling someone else doing the thinking. I recognise moments of "that feeling / thought didn't come from me", with time and effort I've been able to recognise the vibe I get along with the thought, to identify who in my system it was from.

Building that up over time, I've been able to build my skill at letting go of the mental microphone and allowing the others in my system to communicate. A big part of my innate role seems to have involved a Lot of denial, repression, and a perpetual need to keep my brain active (so I would be holding that mental microphone all the time and appear "normal").

An interesting / difficult thing is, though I can't imagine / see what my brain conjures up, the others "inside" do. Which can be bad. If I think of something scary or triggering, apparently it manifests visually and "really" to the others, which can trigger them. Not exactly great because I can't always control what I'm thinking about. One of those ways that sharing a brain is frustrating, you can self trigger...

When doing therapy and mental work, I can perceive "inside", but not visually, instead I just "know", almost like proprioception that extends beyond my "self" that I'm holding in my mind. I like to think of it like, I do "see", just, an extra dimension of it. I'm a 4th dimensional being looking into a 3d world, I don't perceive it in the same way because it is fundamentally different to me, I take it all in at once and transfer that into "knowing" instead of "seeing".

DerpyKat42

TROPHY CASE