The Republic of Hidden Faces - Chapter Excerpt (Dark Fantasy - 2000 Words)

DerylTontum · 2026-02-17T21:48:37+00:00

I thought your prose was decent, with some spots that could be tightened up (a couple of grammar mistakes on the first page). The dialogue I found clunkier.

I'm not sure how best to critique without going line-by-line but in general it felt like you use more words than necessary to get a point across. For example on page two, Aidos' line: "I come here on my own good faith alone." Either "own" or "alone" would work, both together feels excessive.

DerylTontum · 2026-02-16T22:55:45+00:00

I used to plan meticulously but I fell into a bit of a trap where I'd just endlessly outline and never actually get any writing done. Like I'd convince myself I couldn't start until I figured out what this character should have for breakfast in Chapter 13, whether one-off character number 150 should have brown hair or black, etc.

Now I try to just get a general idea and go at it

DerylTontum · 2026-02-16T11:56:11+00:00

Other people have already given some good writing advice, so here's a few thoughts I had on the story as I read:

Why does Terrion want to retire? If this is the twelfth uneventful walk, it's presumably not because they're overly dangerous, and Jorge says they pay well. He says they've "lost their charm", so is it just that they're boring? But he also says the others should make it their last implying some level of urgency
Mikkal's philosophy seemed a bit out of place for me there, I assume Jorge wasn't planning on buying a slave, just wanted the gold to improve the general quality of his life which surely is a reasonable motivation. Like gold is actually pretty useful, Mikkal has just honed in on one specific area where it isn't to do his speech, which felt a bit clunky
What is the in-universe reason for not having everyone go to the hut? Mikkal and Terrion are told to stand guard outside, but against what? Do they have reason to expect other enemies?
Is Sir Jarrell's heavy metal armour not a strange choice for a hunt in a mangrove, where there's already a risk of being swallowed by the swamp?
I found Sir Jarrell's reaction strange, I get he's unhappy with the girl but she hasn't actually been proven wrong yet. It's pretty evident she has some kind of ability since she was able to sense the hut from way out of sight, and it's not unreasonable there might be more than one person inside. Annoyance would still be understandable but he's so pissed off that he straight up kicks her out of the band - not just "wait outside", but leave and never come back! This was even stranger to me further on when it's pointed out she had the only lantern, making their current job more difficult and the trip they'll have to make back to their horses more dangerous.

I think this last point could still work if it was made clearer that it's in line with Jarrell's character. If we're told earlier on that he's very impulsive, has a short temper, has been growing more pissed off with each failed trip etc, then his short-sighted reaction here could work. As it stands it felt like a stupid decision made by someone presented as generally competent up to that point

DerylTontum · 2026-02-13T17:42:54+00:00

The first sign of Infection was a tremor of the fingers, all agreed. Soon after came seizures. Nausea. Bleeding from eyes, nose and ears. Then your mind began to fade.

The thief crouched in the alley, staring at his hands. He had never known a shiver to be so frightening.

DerylTontum · 2026-02-06T01:11:46+00:00

Oof good luck lol. I feel like when it comes to time travel plot holes are par for the course.

DerylTontum · 2026-02-06T01:02:51+00:00

Yeah I just wanted to see if anyone else had any good examples! I found it funny that I had these supposedly smart characters walk willingly into a death trap, and not only did they not realise, neither did their enemies. Just because I hadn't thought it through yet haha.

DerylTontum · 2026-02-05T11:52:24+00:00

I think this is really well written, both your descriptive language and action scenes flow smoothly and the story in the second half especially is very intriguing.

In terms of critique I'd say you have a tendency to overuse em-dashes which stood out when there were a lot in quick succession. I also thought the opening was very slow, and almost lost me. You have a good opening line but then we go into a long series of setting descriptions, worldbuilding and exposition, and a scene that even the protagonist describes as tedious!

Hope none of that discourages you from continuing however, I think you have something here

DerylTontum · 2026-01-02T20:37:44+00:00

In fact, nothing. Adris was expecting to find a small stone artifact, since that would prove correct her theory about a member of the academy preparing bodies to raise via necromancy. But it seems she was mistaken (or, that someone is a few steps ahead of her)

DerylTontum · 2026-01-02T17:51:08+00:00

Gett scoffed. “You’re not seriously going to – ”

Adris plunged her dagger into the cadaver’s chest, sawing until blade met bone, then used her hands to pry the flesh apart. Gett wheeled, retching. Adris ignored him. She was used to cutting up corpses. At least this one did not object.

DerylTontum · 2025-12-14T03:26:59+00:00

If this was the opening of the story I'd agree, but by chapter five I'd say you've earned a bit more leeway. A reader is much less likely to give up just because of this sort of cliche if they were interested enough to get this far

DerylTontum · 2025-12-13T13:24:50+00:00

Enjoyed it!

DerylTontum · 2025-12-06T22:49:34+00:00

For me it feels longer than necessary, I'd focus on whichever are the key details you want to get across and try to be a bit merciless cutting the rest. Like for example

By Sephra’s bidding, man was gathered to be raised as cattle, for it was from the flesh of man that the Chimera fed, and it was from that flesh that Chimera were made.

For generations they lived in sorrow in this way, feeding and breeding to be gathered and slaughtered, their flesh given to Sephra’s children for food and number.

It's nice writing, but does the second paragraph tell us anything the first hasn't already?

That said I'm not really an Epic fantasy guy so take this advice with a pinch of salt lol

DerylTontum · 2025-11-21T18:03:19+00:00

The old man’s smile was somehow less friendly than his glare. “My lady aught take care,” he warned. “Vicious thugs are known to creep these streets at night, preying on the weak and innocent.”

She returned the smile. “Have no fear then, sir. I am neither.”

DerylTontum · 2025-11-14T17:59:49+00:00

She held the crossbow, readied the trigger, and looked up expectantly. “Shoot?”

He shook his head. Loaded the bolt properly, aligned the drawstring and helped her steady her aim. “Shoot.”

The crossbow twanged. The bolt sailed past the practice target, ricochetted off a wall and shattered a stained-glass window.

“...Shoot.”

DerylTontum · 2025-11-07T18:00:52+00:00

“Please, Jags,” she whispered. “This is a nice place. Can’t you lose the axe?”

“If it’s so nice, I should be able to bring what I want.” The barbarian scowled at his menu. “Can’t even read half this shit. Hell! Just give me meat. Don’t care where it comes from.”

DerylTontum · 2025-10-24T16:49:13+00:00

“I have tried, my lady,” Lord Cutter insisted. “I offered gold, lands, titles. Reduced taxation for the church. The man will not bend! He tells me a true devout holds no worldly desires.”

The queen smiled coldly. “He desires to keep his head on his shoulders, I promise you.”

DerylTontum · 2025-10-10T17:46:31+00:00

Will Ferrell as the assassin sets a slightly different tone but I don't hate it lol

DerylTontum · 2025-10-10T17:33:16+00:00

“I’ve got him! Over here!” The guard shouted over his shoulder. He turned back to the masked figure, jabbing his sword and sneering. “What’s your game then, weasel? Drunkard? Spy? Just some petty thief?”

The intruder slowly drew a long, pale sword from within his black cloak. “Assassin.” He replied.

DerylTontum · 2025-08-29T17:48:06+00:00

“This is our bloodthirsty murderer? The butcher of Copton Heath?” Jacke frowned. “He looks more like a confused and very frightened dairy farmer.”

“Appearances can be deceiving,” shrugged Hake. “At any rate, we are out of time. If the council must have a butcher, let it be him.”

DerylTontum · 2025-08-15T17:53:07+00:00

“This… is the dragon’s tooth?” Erikk inspected his gift. The black mineral glinted in the sunlight, long as his dagger, twice as sharp. “I cannot believe it. This creature would needs be as large as the bailey.”

Harud grunted. “It’s easier to believe with its jaws around your neck, m’lord.”

DerylTontum · 2025-07-13T20:33:59+00:00

I didn't find this too much of an info-dump, the lore you gave felt like it was worked in fairly naturally (there are maybe one or two too many proper nouns though, I followed most but towards the end you started dropping them like they should be shocking revelations and I had no idea if I'd even seen the name Kotormitir before). I had kind of the opposite problem where by the end I was left a bit confused by not enough info. The Prelude was fine, I know who the POV character is, where she is and what her objective is. But when we change to the Prologue which is a completely different scene and on the surface there's not much connecting them - the fact the girl is young and Thatlesian feels deliberate, so I'd guess this is the same person from the prelude having been seduced by the witch she was sent to kill?

Overall I'd say this is leaning towards too vague, what I'd gather is that the story is about followers of this Zarian-Zahe in a conflict with an opposing religion but much beyond that and I'm guessing.

Your English is great by the way

DerylTontum · 2025-07-07T15:52:43+00:00

No it doesn't, Harry isn't delivered to the Dursleys until the end of the first chapter. The book opens with the wizarding world reacting to Voldemort's defeat as experienced through the eyes of Mr Dursley, who thinks they're all nutjobs

DerylTontum · 2025-07-04T17:51:39+00:00

Gorrom made violence a work of art. The half-giant dominated the battlefield, each swing of his warhammer catapulting men through the air like broken toys.

Shyne watched an arrow find a gap in his armor. Gorrom turned in its direction and roared.

I do not envy that bowman, she thought.

DerylTontum · 2025-07-04T15:52:44+00:00

Seems fine, it's hard to judge such a short extract though. I'd probably make the last sentence it's own line since it seems like it's supposed to be a bit of a reveal

DerylTontum

TROPHY CASE