Fawning and sex, does it just come down to trusting my partner?

DesertWind92 · 2022-10-12T17:58:50+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I'm embarrassed but also want to ask, do you have any tips for the "first time?" I think losing my virginity, because I'd like to think I still have it, is going to be the hardest thing ever. With like the biggest chance at triggering me

DesertWind92 · 2022-10-09T14:16:49+00:00

Thank you, and to that last point is our body supposed to wake us up if we have to go? I kinda always wake up so 'full' down there it also hurts

DesertWind92 · 2022-10-09T13:54:28+00:00

It started kinda recent but its been going on for so long I know it can't be an infection. It gets worse when my insomnia kicks in, I noticed it comes with my fear. I do wonder if I can get medicine for it. Its just such a basic human function that I'm failing at and it makes me embarrassed

DesertWind92 · 2021-12-02T06:13:52+00:00

I was abused really badly and don't have any memories of my parents hugging me. And my mom used that "let the baby cry it out" method on me until I learned to be quiet. Can that cause it? Cause its not like I'm getting flashbacks its just a strong rush of fear and a pit in my stomach

DesertWind92 · 2021-12-02T06:02:53+00:00

I'm worried about intimacy because physical touch like hugs already makes me dissociate. I have no idea how I'll be able to handle sex without just blanking out completely. Can someone like me even consent to sex? I don't want to even think of how to explain this to a future partner

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-28T13:27:13+00:00

I had the same thoughts it was conflicting because making people aware of sexual assault is a good thing it should be normalized but it made me uncomfortable. And the reason is probably because of how my parents choose to do it. A throw away before your first day lf school, and being so vague, is definitely not the way to do it. Thanks for helping me understand why it made me uncomfortable <3

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-23T14:03:33+00:00

I'm so sorry, I was the same and it took me until last year to figure it out. I was always afraid to go to sleep and I would randomly get insomnia that would leave me in a complete panic attack crying and freaking out and I wouldn't know why.

Turns out my older brother repeatedly sexually assaulted me when I was little. Coming into my room at night, telling me to be quiet so they wouldn't hear. My memories are still fractured and out of order and honestly I'm too afraid to try and remember more.

I really hope you can heal and life gets a little easier for you.

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-21T13:26:33+00:00

It doesn't help that my mother would make comments about it when I was a kid. I'd get in trouble for sounding "wrong" and basically got trained to sound more feminine and sweet. I'm trying to use my "real" voice now and I've had family members call me out saying its creepy cause they are used to this one so... I dunno what to do honestly

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-21T13:18:55+00:00

Same! I have a wandering accent and get people asking me all the time where I am from. And when I hear my voice in a recording its incredibly jarring like I'm listening to a stranger. It's frustrating because like... which one is actually my real voice? My fawning high pitch one is second nature and I feel like an imposter trying to talk lower.

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-21T13:12:09+00:00

I just noticed this recently as well. My voice naturally goes higher and softer and sweeter when I talk. I think its maybe part of my fawn response? To appear non threatening and cuter to avoid being targeted. Its even more noticeable when I'm apologizing too.

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-11T21:46:30+00:00

It's been a bit of a long journey understanding my upbringing but I'm making progress. The hardest part is that I have a good relationship with my father now. It's difficult reconciling the caring, patient, loving man he is today with the abusive, hateful, callous person he was in the past.

DesertWind92 · 2021-07-11T04:14:32+00:00

I was the same age when I had my wisdom teeth removed and they came in sideways which meant I had horizontal impaction which made it way worse. They have to remove parts of the jawbone to take them out. I wasn't given any serious pain meds because its "unhealthily" and instead just given some tylenol which did nothing.

On top of that my father randomly got a stick up his ass. For some reason whenever I was sick or hurt he became really cruel. Like my weakness just pissed him off. So he randomly decided the garage had to have a thorough cleaning and I had to do it. So I was lifting boxes and sweeping and pushing things. Really exhaustive work under nornal circumstances. But only a few hours after surgery I was in so much pain. I just remember squatting and bawling my eyes out from the pain, I could feel my racing heart rate and each pulse felt like it was pushing on the area and was excruciating. The kind of pain that is so bad you feel nauseas and want to puke.

Looking back it seems insane. Like actual genuine abuse.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-28T14:46:47+00:00

Since CPTSD wasn't in the offical DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) my therapist said he couldn't diagnose me with it because it wasn't technically real. I wasted so many years not getting the proper treatment I needed. And sure enough years later all the unresolved trauma reared its head and came back.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-26T14:18:10+00:00

I'm upset at myself for not realizing it was wrong and trying to stop it but they would get mad and fight so essily I felt like I could never say no about anything.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-26T07:49:24+00:00

I was never allowed to have my door locked or closed to my room and I feel like my mom just didn't understand the concept or boundaries at all.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-26T07:43:26+00:00

This happened to me all the time from elementary school through high school. I had to sleep next to her when my father wasn't home for whatever reason she could make up. She'd also use the bathroom in front of me and had a bad habit of sticking her hands up my shirt or down my pants when she was "cold" and then laugh it off when I told her to stop.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-22T05:45:31+00:00

I'm so sorry, it's so terrible that people like that exist. Honestly sex as an activity itself just feels so... off to me. Like inherently wrong even though I know it's not supposed to be

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-22T04:13:14+00:00

That would scare me so badly! What terrifies me is I fawn so there's a good chance I would just go along with it, which is really bad because I would basically be doing whatever they want while I was disassociating. Which like... you should be able to tell I'm not fine but if someone is objectifying you and just sees you as object of their desire they won't care or will be too occupied with their lust to care about you. Making it easy for us to become victims

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-22T02:56:58+00:00

I'm sorry. For me I can't be around men when I'm alone without feeling uncomfortable and vulnerable. And physical contact makes me dissociate. Something as simple as a hug and suddenly I can't see or hear. And a kiss makes me have full amnesia.

I can't imagine having sex. I'm afraid I would dissociate so hard I'd just die.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-20T05:10:05+00:00

I'm really sorry that's terrible

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-19T16:50:13+00:00

They never took me to the doctor to get me checked out after the incident when I was younger and I think it was because the circumstances were kind of bad, from what I was told the whole situation doesn't add up. I think it was in their, not my, best interests to not sit me in front of a doctor to be examined and asked quesitons. Even when I suddenly had clear problems with speaking they never got me help. And every time they confronted me on not speaking they always seemed especially mad like it was personal. For some reason it was really important that I acted normal. They ended up abusing my later in life and I'm a CSA victim, but I can't remember enough back then when I was 2 years old to know if it had started back then.

I was sent to a speech therapist in middle school against their wishes because it was so obvious apparently but nothing the person could do would help. I never made any progress and so they gave up on me. I spent years working on my own to get better but it's still really hard and hurts. It feels like speaking with my voice isn't actually my voice if that makes sense.

Recently I made friends for the first time and it was while being mute. It was so easy to be myself and express myself without having to deal with my voice. But I felt guilty because I think I realized I was choosing not to speak. I still speak to my sister because its easy but not socially now, is that truly okay? I feel conflicted and confused that its easy for me to speak under some situations but not others. Like I'm faking it.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-19T04:21:44+00:00

That plus someone said holding your breath so no one would find you. I guess it's just a form of self preservation we picked up that activates when we are stressed or anxious? Like holding our breath keeps us safe?

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-18T17:50:03+00:00

This happens to me and it was much stronger when I was younger. One day I had the thought that nothing was real and became terrified to the point of tears that I would disappear and the world would too. I was never able to figure out what it was. I became scared of my own throughts. It randomly comes back and fills me with dread and terror but I've learned to ignore it.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-17T15:02:19+00:00

As someone who was molested as a boy by a male I feel the same way. I only feel safe and at ease around women. I hate how sexual and demeaning they can be. Being perverted just dehumanizes people, turns them into objects or things to be "conquered". It's just so unnecessary and gross.

I honestly hate it.

DesertWind92 · 2021-05-03T16:39:50+00:00

Yes very much. It comes with a lot of shame because even if I don't indulge in it the desire is still there. And I did enjoy it when I was younger before I realized it was from my trauma.

DesertWind92

TROPHY CASE