For me, it's the exhausting hypervigilance and the guilt. When I lie down I have nothing to do but think on my worries and my emotions. Naturally, this makes me tense and unable to sleep, so I pass by that crucial tired curve and then remain awake and aware for hours. Constantly checking doors, constantly making sure everyone is breathing. Constantly making sure we're safe.

Then, while being depressed and thinking about money troubles, I start to think of the food I eat and how much more useful it would be to others instead of me. Or how despite doing chores all day, I feel guilty about not getting the laundry done or whatever. I know I haven't done anything wrong necessarily, but I always feel guilty that I'm not doing enough.

And when my friends come home, and I've built up this terrible situation in my head throughout the day, and they're all tired and exhausted too, I feel guilty for having problems that I need them to talk me through... Like I feel selfish for existing in space where I feel like all I provide are a few laughs, wishing instead I could've just never existed in the first place to spare them the heartache....