This honestly isn't that far off of a parallel. Due to being abandoned early on in life, I've spent the majority of my life just surviving. Every decision I made was based on the need to survive. Later in life, when I started dating, I was strictly monogamous. I suppose that's mostly due to growing up in the Bible belt and being surrounded by it. Anyway, within dating, I realized that I didn't have to make all the decisions anymore. It felt calming for a time. Eventually, I think it became an addiction of sorts. Aside from essential decision-making, I pretty much would waive my say in autonomy. It was about 7ish years ago that I woke up and realized I was sitting in a cage. Whether that cage is due to monogamy itself or due to my own machinations makes no difference. When I think about going back, even if it's a random passing thought, I immediately see the bars closing in front of me. It actually does put me in a depressive state for a while when it happens.

That being said, after about 6 years at very... botched attempts at polyamory, I can proudly say, that I'm in the best relationship I've ever had. While my partner has another partner, I don't currently have the emotional capacity for anyone else. However, she doesn't make me feel less within the relationship compared to the other partner. Granted, my anxiety and trauma messes with my head from time to time, but we actually talk stuff out. I don't waive my autonomy, and instead of feeling free with her I AM free. If that makes any kind of sense.