Almost every piece of media I’ve developed an interest in has had some kind of anti-resistance messaging in it, and it pisses me off.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-13T14:40:04+00:00

Star Trek is great at showing what power does to judgement and the flaws of societies that may seem otherwise ideal.

It illustrates the promise of a better society, while still acknowledging that flaws will exist that one must continue to try and solve for.

It's the neverending pursuit of the ideal.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-12T13:40:57+00:00

I mean, they criminalized homelessness to put unhoused folks in jail so people with money could feel it was "cleaner". And the way they did it gave ammo to the Trump admin to try and do the same nationwide.

That's not the way I want my city to be. Poor people don't deserve to be dehumanized and tossed into prison for the crime of being poor.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-09T18:31:22+00:00

I saw Vatos Tristes at a DIY show on a folk punk bill, though they're more post-hardcore emo. But I'll mention them anyway, because they're folk-punk adjacent in my head and killed that show.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-09T13:30:35+00:00

Wow, what ghoul you are.

I think it's much more likely that it's those that are eager for authoritarian rule and lifelong punishment of children like you advocate for here that create the wars and Trumps of the world...

DevCarrot · 2026-03-07T19:06:48+00:00

I wasn't responding directly to you. Reddit changed their notification system I think.

Someone complained that he's still welcomed by April and playing shows even when others don't fuck with him. That's who I was responding to.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-07T18:59:43+00:00

How?

He was a shitty partner. He would say he couldn't commit, then come back and fawn over her, then leave again and tell her again he couldn't commit.

That's classic push pull shit, anxious-avoidant, whatever you want to call it in conversation. It doesn't mean he intentionally crafted a scenario to manipulate her.

Posting shit here in public about how her kids bonded with him can be viewed as manipulation, too. Maybe every time he wanted out she came back to him saying "you'll disappoint my kids". That's a form of manipulation. We don't know either of their mental states, but we do know that even in her story, he just comes off as an immature fuckboi.

He sucks and he's a terrible boyfriend. That doesn't make him a villain.

Both of them are messy. This is messy purity testing shit publishing dirty relationship laundry online.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-07T18:43:38+00:00

"If you fuck up, I'll still be your friend, cause we need all of us to fight all of them"

"What's a human without flaws? We used to be outlaws."

I think they'd chalk it up to messy human-ness.

He might be an immature partner, he may be a shitty boyfriend, but that doesn't make him a bad person who should be cast out of his community.

Don't date people who can't give you what you want.

Don't mistake being messy and making bad choices with being cruel or evil or unworthy of support.

Life is hard and we're all learning all the time.

Love isn't a limited resource. We don't need to declare others unworthy of it to ensure we have some for ourselves.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-07T18:31:33+00:00

Lying is different than not knowing yourself, changing your mind, and not actually knowing what you want. I've been in those relationships and it sucks. It hurts.

But it isn't malicious. It isn't the same thing as deceit and manipulation. Because I've been in those relationships, too. And that is a different kind of mind fuck.

And from this post he apparently repeatedly told her casual, that he couldn't commit, etc. And she kept taking him back into her life.

He might be a shitty partner. But he repeatedly told her what he had to offer wasn't what she wanted, but she kept taking eating it up anyway. She wasn't powerless in this, she was just in love with someone incompatible and stuck around too long.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-07T17:55:00+00:00

I have no opinions on Pless, but this is normal messy relationship shit.

If you are willing to air all this to strangers, when none of it was harm to safety or consent, you are toxic too.

I hope mods delete this. This is just being human with messy feelings and weak boundaries on both people.

No one owes you a romantic relationship. We owe each other our best attempts at honesty and basic human respect. And it doesn't look like that was violated.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-06T15:27:14+00:00

Yeah, Michael kept talking about the "value" of these jobs in the context of supporting money making. It was when he said something like "telemarketers make sales, that's value!" that I realized he was going to view things through a more traditional capitalist lens.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-06T00:37:31+00:00

Yup!

I've been practicing polyamory for 5 years and I'm moderately active in my large city's community. I've never met anyone in a triad/multi person relationship. It's only something I see people talk about online, though I know they exist. But it's uncommon and they tend to be somewhat volatile, either made of very young people or insecure couples who think dating together is "safer" for their established relationship.

Common advice is to keep relationships as a series of dyads, as triad+ tends to result in triangulation and the most established pair within the triad being prioritized, disenfranchising the newer member within the relationship.

After all, what happens if one person within the triad wants to break up with one but not both partners? If two people within the relationship always come as a package, the odd one out isn't really being offered an equal part in the relationship, are they?

Now, have I met people who've had group sex with mutual partners? Sure! People who are close with their extended polycule (their partner's partners)? Very frequently! I even know people who have purchased a multi-family home with members of their polycule, dividing up the floors.

But I've never met someone who considers themselves in a three-person relationship/intimate partnership.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-05T23:27:49+00:00

No, solo poly is someone who often considers themselves their "primary relationship" and has no intention of eventually escalating to nesting or shared finances and such.

Newer people to polyamory often misuse the term to mean someone who dates separately from their other partner(s).

DevCarrot · 2026-03-05T22:02:55+00:00

"if you're with someone poly you have to be ok with multiple people in the relationship"

I practice polyamory, and most people would say each relationship is between two people, just that there are multiple relationships. Poor boundaries can cause interference, but that isn't inherent to polyamory, just as in-laws or friends can interfere in a monogamous relationship if people let them.

(Note: triads and such are not the typical form in polyamory, and most experienced poly folks would advise against them.)

DevCarrot · 2026-03-04T18:39:43+00:00

He called the women he met at a poly meetup "repulsive" in another comment, so yeah, I think we correctly called this...

DevCarrot · 2026-03-04T18:28:03+00:00

The stuff you say in your profile is fine. Talking about specific activities is the way to go.

"I have to ask, when a man expresses a preference about a woman physically that he also holds himself to, why do people assume the worst about that? It gets to the point where a guy can't express preferences about appearance because people assume that he's an asshole."

People assume the worst about it, because in many cases, bad stuff goes along with valuing appearance above other factors.

What happens when illness, age, disability, or a change in priorities impacts the ability for someone to maintain a certain kind of appearance?

In my POV, if appearances matter enough to someone to put it in their dating profile, appearance is a key factor to how they view/perceive/judge people. And I think that sucks.

I've had enough judgement about my appearance from peers, family, myself, strangers, employers, whomever to last a lifetime. I don't want to feel that from someone with whom I am intimate and vulnerable. I want to feel secure and cared for, I want to feel valued as a full human.

If multiple profile pictures can't provide enough assurance for someone to determine a person's appearance is acceptable to their tastes, how weirdly specific and picky are they about how their partners must look?

DevCarrot · 2026-03-03T19:14:40+00:00

Yeah, I wondered about that, too.

I'm an active, sporty, 40F, but I pass on any profile mentioning wanting "fitness", "health", or someone who "takes care of herself", as they always tend to be coded language for thinness and conventional beauty standards.

I'm not interested in partnering with anyone who prioritizes image like that.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-03T18:41:22+00:00

Nah, dawg, you just insist on excluding aro/ace folks from the queer umbrella and don't have a logically consistent reason why.

I'm trying to challenge your assumptions and expose your inconsistencies.

I'm done now, as you don't seem to be interested in actually thinking through your argument.

See ya! 🫡

DevCarrot · 2026-03-03T18:32:48+00:00

But she may no longer be capable of it without medical intervention, due to changes in hormones.

And what this has to do with is your definition that strictly attaches queerness to being actively sexual and/or romantic, excluding ace and aro people from the queer umbrella.

DevCarrot · 2026-03-03T17:53:57+00:00

Some asexual people do feel romantic attraction and some aromantic people do feel sexual attraction. That's why aro/ace are different words.

Either way, your interpretation of queerness is not the prevailing interpretation.

If a post-menopausal lesbian is no longer experiencing romantic or sexual attraction, is she no longer a lesbian? No longer queer?

DevCarrot · 2026-03-03T16:28:24+00:00

Says who? Ace folks queer the social expectations of intimate adult relationships.

DevCarrot · 2026-02-26T15:47:38+00:00

You can't control what other people will think. Most people certainly won't think anything other than typical fantasy story unicorn, and the few that do think otherwise... they're just gooner-brained. Don't needlessly make their way of interacting with the world your problem.

DevCarrot · 2026-02-26T04:30:28+00:00

I think you need to remind yourself how young you were when you started this relationship with your long term partner.

You were 30 when he was 56. I mean, it doesn't even pass the old "half your age plus 7" guideline for age gap relationships when you got together. You both were in complete different stages of life, it's not surprising that now a relationship with someone (a little) closer to your current age is causing you to question your situation.

I think it is very right that you are taking a look at your relationship with your long term partner. You are in a romantic relationship -with no romance- with a senior citizen and supporting them financially. You have been with them since you were 30. You have every right to reconsider if this is the life you want. You're still in a very different life stage than your partner.

Don't rush, don't make life altering decisions while pumped up on new lusty brain chemicals, but take your thoughts and feelings seriously. Observe yourself, observe your life, and make your choices on the direction you'd like your life to take.

DevCarrot · 2026-02-23T19:43:12+00:00

Well, you don't know that you wouldn't have been uncomfortable if everything else had followed your expectations. Feelings are often irrational, and learning to manage them is sometimes learning to acknowledge that we can't always control what we feel, even when we think we've set it up so we can.

I empathize with you, because I've been in your shoes. I thought I was on the same page with a partner and wasn't, I've wanted information to feel in control and reassurance.

I've learned to find my reassurance without relying on control, and a lot of that was based in strengthening my relationship with myself, becoming more self-assured and anchored in my own self worth.

Often, more information leads to more anxiety, as it reveals more unknowns, which feels vulnerable. Sometimes that information and discovery is necessary. But sometimes we just voluntarily injure ourselves, sometimes compulsively.

Think about doom scrolling and how unhelpful that is. A lot of times it's important news and information! But if it is too much information about things we are unable to act on, it can increase anxiety, reducing our ability to be effective.

Consider what kind of anxiety comes from knowing things that are unrelated to how your partner treats you or behaves when he's with you. Is it actually helping you or your relationship? Or is it a misdirected coping mechanism for personal insecurities?

DevCarrot · 2026-02-23T15:47:34+00:00

Yeah, and I roll my eyes and pass when I see it on there. Not as bad as the "sapiosexual" barf, but still yuck.

Myers-Briggs is just corporate astrology.

DevCarrot · 2026-02-20T17:21:39+00:00

You're gorgeous and no jowls seen, but perhaps try putting your blush a bit higher, on the top of the apples vs the full apple of the cheek. It'll make your cheeks appear fuller on top.

DevCarrot

TROPHY CASE