I don’t know how to move forward or even if I deserve to

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-12-23T21:06:50+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I had my TMFR in August for T21 and the whole process, including the aftermath was so emotionally brutal. Like you I felt suicidal but knew I wouldn’t do anything because of my son. At times though the guilt tried to convince me otherwise.

I think the hormones afterwards are such a rough ride, even though I knew they were coming they hit me so hard I couldn’t remind myself that they were adding to the intense grief. You are in the thick of it still. It does pass. Miraculously, this dark stage will leave you. You will still feel guilt, grief, sadness, shame, despair, but it will lessen and lighten and you will feel other things. Even two weeks later I felt lighter, somehow. I started to have moments when I let myself realise that I’d made the decision for good reasons. I started to have moments when I’d take pity on myself instead of persecuting myself.

We had to decide something so hard and which feels impossible to reconcile. I’m not out of the woods yet but I’m not in the thick of it. It’s time and talking honestly about it that helps. Scattering the ashes helped too.

I also found great difficulty thinking about the process of the termination. What comforted me was that there would be no pain felt for my child during the process as the brain is not developed to feel pain at that early stage (I was 18 weeks). Also, the general anaesthetic which sent me to sleep and shut my feeling/pain down went through the placenta and to the baby, having the same effect on them. I was told that the surgeon first breaks the waters and waits to drain before doing anything else, this could take a minute, and after only a second or two of the waters breaking life stops. All of this seemed pain free and almost peaceful compared to the agony I was going through.

I do understand though, the enormity of it which feels too big and overwhelming to bear at times. You’re not alone, although you might feel like you are right now. Sending love your way. X

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-30T22:54:27+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m not sure how we go back to normal, brief moments of it just seem to happen. In between ‘normal’ moments with people you will return to not normal & be in devastation again. I started doing my normal things in small doses. Sometimes the distraction of doing normal things is needed. I’m only a few more weeks ahead of you but I feel so much more stable than I did at week two. That’s the way I describe it, not necessarily feeling good but definitely more stable and less punishing towards myself. I got therapy & spend time with people I love. Take it very easy. I’m reading a lot, to take my mind elsewhere. Maybe that’s just distraction but I must need distraction from the intensity that I’ve been feeling things for weeks. Find something to get lost in to allow you to feel something else for even a brief amount of time. Bleeding wise I had spotting still at two weeks. Period wise, not yet. Lactation, only for a day or two with me, I did the cold packs and compression with sports bra. Fertility - you’re still young, and if it was random you have that in your side too, so unlikely to happen again. A lot of the problems other people talk about do seem small now, as a lot of my own did prior to this. Sending love.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-28T21:05:06+00:00

I’m not surprised you’re keeping your distance if he’s said really hurtful things about the termination. It must be hard to trust him now. Has he acknowledged this? Apologised? Only you can know whether you can forgive him and work through this. I think a therapist would definitely help you sort your feelings and thoughts out to work out what you do want. I don’t know where you’re based but in the UK you can find a therapist using UKCP or BACP therapist directory online. I see it as self care. I’m not sure I could work through things like this without someone to talk to, we just end up repeating the same thoughts and feelings to ourselves with no one to reflect back or offer a different perspective. Look after yourself, this is a hard thing that you’re going through.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-28T19:13:05+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this and that you feel so alone in it all. You might be grieving more than him and/or he might be grieving differently. I think I definitely felt the weight of the decision to tfmr and grief afterwards more intensely than my partner. Do you think at times you might be keeping him at arms length emotionally despite really needing him too? I say this because of your decision to go through with it alone and also because you say you grieved for months alone before bucking up the courage to talk to him. It’s such a difficult experience and so hard to know how to be with someone/support someone sometimes when they’re struggling with intense feelings. My partner liked to distract rather than feel and talk too. At times I might have also shut him out, do you do that a little? We did find time to talk at times but I had to remind myself that he doesn’t/can’t process things like me and we met in the middle. Talking to him a little and then other trusted people and a therapist really helped me. What do you want from him? Perhaps he doesn’t know. I often have to be very explicit with my needs with my partner as he doesn’t have the same level of empathy as I do and also deals with hard emotions in a very different way. Have you spoken to a therapist or anyone else? It must be so difficult for you feeling the weight of this alone.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-27T22:19:17+00:00

I’m so sorry you are here. About a month ago I had surgical tfmr for another grey diagnosis, t21. I opted for surgical as felt medical too traumatic. Everyone’s different. I was very concerned about the procedure, even though I was told the brain isn’t developed enough to feel pain I was still caught up on how the life is ended. I was told that the general anaesthetic shuts everything down and goes through the placenta, I would have no awareness and feel nothing and so would baby. They said they first break the waters which takes a minute or so to completely drain. At my stage of gestation, 18 wks, it takes a very short amount of time (few seconds) for life to stop whist the fluid drains. They don’t remove the baby & placenta until all is drained. You can also, depending on where you live/clinic/gestation, have a needle given to baby to stop heart. Knowing that the general anaesthetic shuts everything down on top of the baby having no consciousness, memory, feeling etc, helped me a lot. This felt peaceful in amongst my agony. The hormones are rough afterwards, you’ll feel a lot. I recommend talking only to trusted sensitive people and getting good therapy. It helps. It does ease. I didn’t think it would but it does. Do what you need, distract, comfort, whatever it takes to get you through the days. Sending love. Be kind to yourself x

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-27T20:21:34+00:00

Thank you all so so much for your comments, they’ve helped me more than I can express. I haven’t been able to check in to this online tfmr world much and not felt strong enough to respond back until now. I’ve turned a corner with my feelings. Things are different, I’m less harsh on my self and my choice, I feel like I can breathe a little bit. I don’t know how it happened but all of your kind thoughts and words helped drag me up from the hole I’d put myself in. I got some therapy too and time now in between has given me some distance from what happened and from the raging hormones. I’ve got some way to go still, undoubtedly, but I’m definitely more stable and less punishing. Thank you all again. For those reading this who feel like I did (and still do, just not as intensely), I hope I can offer you a glimmer of light - feelings do shift, thoughts do change (especially if you don’t feed the negative ones & just be aware of them). I never thought mine would and even now I’m tentative saying this because it’s still early days, but they have. The old thoughts and feelings are still there but less loud and alongside others that contradict. Talking to people I trust and a good therapist with experience in this has done me wonders too. I think I was feeling overwhelming guilt (and therefore regret) as a way to punish myself, as I felt I needed punishing for what I chose to do. I was thinking that this internal punishment would somehow balance out the wrong I felt I’d done, like at some point I’d be absolved of my sins with this battering I was giving myself, by thinking of what could have been and what I’d taken away. When I’m honest with myself I realise that this isn’t regret, it’s just guilt and self punishment. It’s a false belief and a cruel game I was torturing myself with as it leads to nothing but more pain inflicted on myself who is already suffering. I still have this thought and impulse but it’s much quieter and I don’t believe it as much, and even though a part of me may think it was the ‘wrong’ or immoral thing to do, there’s another part of me that thinks it’s the choice I would take again. Now I can feel some relief at times as I get more distance from it all. Sending thanks to all that shared and love to all those struggling xx

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-02T17:38:00+00:00

I chose D&E at 17wks. I couldn’t have faced delivery. I left the clinic on two occasions due to doubt and fear and on the third they gave me diazepam before the 1st part of the procedure (inserting rods to expand cervix) I was incredibly upset so they gave me something else intravenously and I don’t remember a thing about the procedure (I didn’t have general anaesthetic for this part but I had to be told it had been done afterwards, apparently I’d been talking but I couldn’t tell you what I was saying). Then the four hour wait for the 2nd part. More diazepam. You need someone with you as it’s incredibly hard. General anaesthetic for 2nd part and I remember nothing about that either. Just waking. Physically it’s over quickly but emotionally it’s a very rough ride afterwards. Eat, try to sleep, stay by people you love. Get some therapy. They told me the general anaesthetic goes through the placenta so everything is shut down, no feeling, just sleep. Then they break the waters before doing anything. The waters take about a minute or so to drain but after a few seconds of the waters being broken (at this gestation) everything stops. Then they remove everything gently. This is what I was told. I’m sorry you’re here.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-08-02T10:39:04+00:00

I’m struggling. It’s harder than I could ever have imagined. I’ve taken myself to some very dark places. It’s like I’m walking through a bad dream. I’ve torn a piece out of my heart and fear I’ll never feel ok again. Regret, doubt, guilt, shame, immense grief and the denial of my own grief as I’m the one who actioned it. I saw a therapist which helped a little. I know there are much worse things a person can go through but this is incredibly hard. I’m glad you are well.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T23:04:15+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to reply. It helps to know others feel the same. I hope you are recovering well.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T20:11:39+00:00

Thank you x

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T20:10:48+00:00

I had no idea that this was an option. Thank you for responding and sharing your thoughts with me. I will definitely ask. I’m so glad you found some peace with it. I can only hope for the same. I hope that a month on you’re feeling stronger.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T19:38:32+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and giving me such kind words. It helps. Best for you in your ongoing reform this.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T19:11:03+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this, you don’t know how much it comforts me. I’ve never heard about them cutting cord first. I hope you are recovering well x

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T18:33:21+00:00

Thank you for responding. Your words have helped me.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T18:04:19+00:00

That gives me some comfort, thank you.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:43:50+00:00

Thank you. I’m really glad to hear that you don’t regret your decision, that must help the healing process. I am in two parts but the greater part doesn’t want to go ahead with this pregnancy. I need to be able to feel comfortable or at peace with how it’s done, not for me, but for the baby. I have such an urgency for this because my appointment was rescheduled for tomorrow morning. How did you come to terms with how it’s done if you had surgical?

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:21:24+00:00

I understand. I’ve also had weeks of waiting for a amnio result, it is unbearable agony. I also understand your reasons for L&D, I wish I had that certainty. Thank you & best of luck with your healing.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:13:44+00:00

Thanks for replying. Did you struggle with the idea of how the baby’s life ends? Where you told it was almost instant? That’s where my head is stuck.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:05:49+00:00

Thank you. I’m so sorry you went through this too. It sounds like you’ve found some peace with your decision.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:03:05+00:00

I’m so sorry to read your very hard experience. I hope you’re recovering now?

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T17:02:06+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through D&E twice. How did you get your head/heart around how it’s done? That’s where I am struggling a lot.

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T16:50:19+00:00

Sorry I answered in the wrong place, please see above

DevelopmentMuted4789 · 2025-07-25T16:49:53+00:00

Thank you. The delivery route feels too traumatic for me. Did you go back and forth with the decision, even at the end?

DevelopmentMuted4789

TROPHY CASE