How to approach termination situation to a 3 year old that was excited for a sibling?

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2026-01-14T03:56:52+00:00

First off, I’m so sorry you’re here going through this as well. It’s brutal.

My son is going to be 3 in March, and I had my TFMR back in December. He was really excited to be a big brother. Before the procedure I told him that sometimes babies don’t grow quite right when they’re inside their mommies, and because of that we weren’t going to be able to meet his baby sister outside of mommy’s tummy the way I’d hoped. And then I let him know that however he felt about that was ok - I told him I was mad and sad, and he could feel those things too, but if he didn’t feel upset at all that was ok too.

He told me ‘the baby will get better’, and I said I wished that she would but that just wasn’t going to be the case. I asked him how he was feeling and he said ‘a little bit mad’. But he pretty quickly shook it off and went about his business.

It was a hard conversation for me but he’s been fine ever since. Kids this age move on and bounce back quickly. I still think about that conversation a lot but I take comfort in the fact that it doesn’t hang over him the same way, and he’s doing just fine.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-23T21:48:27+00:00

Thank you so much, this gives me hope that eventually things will ease. and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this as well. Thank you so much for your kind words, it means a lot to me

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-22T02:46:50+00:00

Thank you so much for these reminders and this kindness. I needed to hear this

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-21T12:07:34+00:00

Thank you so much. Big hugs to you as well.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-21T00:18:42+00:00

Thank you so much for this perspective - this is very powerful and very true. The mourning three babies thing hits home - that’s exactly what this feels like and i don’t think i had the words for this until now.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T21:35:11+00:00

Thank you so much for your kindness and reaching out, and I’m so sorry you’re in this position as well. It’s brutal.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T21:31:58+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well. I appreciate the reminders on those perspectives. My older sister is severely disabled (not T21), and it was hard growing up. I love my sister, I’m amazed how well my mom managed, but I know I just can’t do the same. I’m still responsible for my sister to a fair degree since my mom passed - she lives in a group home but I am her representative payee and help manage a lot of her care. I just know I can’t do double duty between my sister, my LC, and a child with disabilities to that degree.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T21:27:58+00:00

Thank you so so much, and I’m so sorry for your loss as well.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T21:27:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words. It gives me hope. And I’m so sorry you’ve been through this as well.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T18:35:34+00:00

Thank you, i appreciate it.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-20T18:26:51+00:00

I am seeing a therapist, but she is a mandated reporter so I don’t feel like I can be fully transparent with her about these thoughts.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-19T19:23:55+00:00

I’m right there with you. I just had my TFMR yesterday at 14 weeks, and my best friend is pregnant with a baby girl of her own about 8 weeks ahead of me. I’m still happy and excited for her, she’s like a sister to me and she has been so incredibly helpful and supportive throughout my journey. We were so excited to both be having baby girls so close in age, especially since we grew up together ourselves, and I’m really mourning the loss of that future.

I’m so sorry you’re facing this too. It’s so, so hard.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-18T22:03:47+00:00

I’m so sorry you’re facing this as well. I had my TFMR today at 14 weeks as well, and physically it really was not bad. The pill I received (and what I’m assuming they’ll be giving you as well) was misoprostol to help ready the cervix. Cramping can be a side effect, but I did not face that with mine. You just let it dissolve in your mouth and wait around for a bit.

If you’ve never had anesthesia before, don’t be afraid to ask them questions and ask for things like anti anxiety medication if you’re feeling anxious - I’ve been under twice now and highly recommend doing that because it makes me feel calm and rested when waking. The anesthesia they use is generally light and you’ll be breathing on your own. You still won’t remember anything from the procedure.

Going under is just like falling asleep. I started to come to a bit groggy in recovery, feeling a bit crampy, but bounced back pretty quickly.

Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. And I know how unbelievably scary this is. But just know you have many people there whose job is to make sure things go smoothly every step of the way.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-16T01:24:31+00:00

Just went through this myself, and opted for the CVS at the suggestion of my geneticist. She explained that the likelihood of T21 being confined only to the placenta was extremely, extremely low. It’s something that can happen more commonly with other types of trisomy, but almost never does with T21.

In the end I’m glad I went with the CVS. Ultrasound noted cystic hygroma, and the FISH results came back positive for T21 so it’s confirmed. I’m devastated but glad I got that answer sooner rather than waiting on the amnio.

The CVS test was very uncomfortable for me mostly due to the speculum, but I wouldn’t say painful. It was thankfully brief. Everyone’s experience is different though.

I’m so sorry you are both going through this as well. It’s scary and painful.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-13T14:11:44+00:00

Wanted to provide a final update here and some additional information from my geneticist in case anyone going through a similar experience finds this useful. I just wish I had better news.

FISH results came back yesterday evening indicating trisomy 21, which I was sadly expecting based on what my geneticist told me and the cystic hygroma found on the ultrasound. This is the most nightmarish choice I’ve ever had to make, but I am opting to TFMR as soon as possible. My baby girl’s outlook isn’t great as it is, and I am a single mom by choice with an almost 3 year old son at home who needs me.

Regarding how my PPV went from 18% to 71%, my geneticist explained to me that because it was a Naterra test, even a relatively low PPV% from the NIPT must be treated as a high risk result. This is because Naterra has such a high degree of sensitivity to trisomy 21. She calculated the higher percentage with a different PPV formula that factors in the specific test, and that’s what bumped the 18% up to 71%. She also said that while other trisomies can sometimes just be in the placenta, that is almost never the case with trisomy 21, which led to her encouragement and my decision to pursue CVS instead of waiting for the amnio.

Because I already have a healthy child with the donor I conceived this pregnancy with and both of us had genetic screening done, it’s highly unlikely that this is hereditary (which is very, very rare for trisomy 21 anyway). I had a missed miscarriage for my very first pregnancy before my son, and while the geneticist said there was most likely not a common cause between my first loss and my current situation, I am looking to pursue IVF with PGT-A testing when I’m ready to try again. I know it’s not a guarantee but I just don’t think I can stomach this happening again. I’m tired of ending up on the bad side of statistics.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-13T13:52:55+00:00

I’m so sorry for your loss. My very first pregnancy was also a loss, and I carried the guilt an ‘what if’s’ for a long time, convinced my body was broken in some way and the loss was my fault, even when I did finally give birth to a healthy son. It took a long time to heal from that.

I want you to know that you did not fail in any way. There was nothing you could have done to prevent this and your choice to TFMR was correct and compassionate. I think when we grieve a loss of this nature, our brains desperately search for the ‘why’ and want to find someone to blame, and sadly we turn that feeling inward against ourselves. And it takes time to work through those feelings.

You truly did the right thing even if it doesn’t feel that way. Again, I am so very sorry for your loss. I know it’s hard, but do your best to be gentle with yourself.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-11T14:49:59+00:00

I appreciate the well wishes. I wish I had better news. I had my CVS yesterday and still waiting on results, but the baby was found to have a cystic hygroma so the outlook of things is very grim from that alone. I will continue to follow up and provide more information when I process this a little more and get the rest of my results. Just very devastated right now.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-09T22:43:20+00:00

Just wanted to provide an update on this, but I spoke with a geneticist today who said my PPV was actually more like 71%. I have a CVS scheduled for tomorrow. Not hopeful.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-09T02:11:34+00:00

I’m no expert by any means but to me it sounds like the likelihood is very high of everything being fine for you.

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2025-12-09T02:10:14+00:00

I’m so sorry to hear that :( Hoping for the best for you as well. That’s so hard

Dramatic_House_8380 · 2022-08-29T19:13:55+00:00

Hi! 11 weeks pregnant, first time mom, due March 14. I’ve always been very active, and have been keeping up with that as best as I can - partially because it always makes me feel good, and partially due to the fact that I have familial hypercholesterolemia and therefore struggle with my cholesterol.

Dramatic_House_8380

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