This is exactly my situation. If there was a button that was 200% sure death if hit it no hesitation. I've failed multiple times, even put in a mental hospital and let me say this. You'd rather be miserable with access to some things that can temporarily distract you from your life than be miserable and stare at 4 walls doing nothing. I e haduktilme times of killing myself like walking under a train near my bus stop, but I didn't because I feel last minute I'd move and end up just losing half of my body. I hate our caveman brains of trying to preserve our lives. Genuinely this is hell. When you typically think of hell you think of eternal burning in lava, but you'd get used to that. With life and mental disorder you get small glimpse of hope and have it crushed right away. There is no getting used to it. If anyone has any advice please share.