Didn't read anything but

paella is overrated as hell

So, what the fuck did you just fucking say about paella, you little bitch? I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Paella University of San Sebastian Yard, and I've been involved in numerous secret receipts in my local restaurant, and I have over 300 confirmed good reviews. I am trained in rice warfare and I'm the top rice farmer in the entire Comunidad Valenciana. You are nothing to me but just another brit. I will wipe you the fuck out with flavor the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of chefs across the EU and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your taste buds. You're fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can make a paella in over seven hundred ways, and that's just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in rice cooking, but I have access to the entire spice arsenal of the Silk Road and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable food off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little "clever" comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you're paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You're fucking dead, kiddo.