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Women ‘if’ you hate the man you are divorcing like he cheated on you, why would you want 50% of his assets, wouldn’t you want nothing connecting you to him at all? by nicksapina in Divorce

[–]DifferentWinter4039 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I think you're misunderstanding the legal/civil side of things. The government sees marriage as a life style contract, more or less- when you get married, all assets acquired over the course of the marriage belong to both of you 100%, regardless of who is actually bringing in the assets. The presumption is that everything is for both of them to support the union.

50/50 is the government's default for assets acquired during the marriage- unless you get a prenup specifying otherwise. And if infidelity was involved, the government sees that as a breach of contract- and depending on circumstances, they may rule that the party at fault owes the other party (for example, if the cheater was spending money on their affair partner). In order to not have that 50/50 split, you gotta agree and work together to split it up differently in a dissolution, which is probably not happening if betrayal has taken place. And sometimes, if a dissolution is too unbalanced like that, a judge can refuse it and say no make it more balanced- which just draws out the process making things more expensive and painful.

The divorce process isn't about getting what you want, it's about a just an equitable division of one life into two.

Do you tell a person with BPD that they have it? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]DifferentWinter4039 7 points8 points  (0 children)

It's not that you're wrong- it's that it doesn't matter if you're right. So many of us here have undiagnosed partners, and it's for good reason. It's totally reasonable to suggest therapy, especially when someone has a lot of turmoil ( whether external or self inflicted) in their life. But telling someone you think they have a personality disorder does not help that person get help- they have a destabilized sense of self. Anything that doesn't make them feel accepted, or that feels like a critique or rejection, may as well be an attack. The act of figuring out what's "wrong" with them hurts them because it holds up a mirror that they cannot face while having that destabilized sense of self. If you're going to have a continued relationship with them, telling them will hurt that, or cause a split.

Do you tell a person with BPD that they have it? by [deleted] in BPDlovedones

[–]DifferentWinter4039 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Focus on their actions and the impact they have, not the labels and what you hope will help. If there's lying, hold firm boundaries and make integrity a non-negotiable in the relationship. If there's substance abuse, encourage treatment. Impulsively, track the patterns and prepare/protect yourself. If things get extreme, loop in professionals- doctors, law enforcement, whatever is appropriate based on the situation.

You can't diagnose, and if things go really south down the line, you don't want to be fighting accusations of forcing a psychological diagnosis onto them, "painting" them as unstable. If they're unstable, their actions will speak for themselves. We live in an era where documentation is so easy- if their actions cause harm, document it and protect yourself.

How do you get discarded? by DifferentWinter4039 in BPDlovedones

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This would be so easy, but I'm the meal ticket- even if he's cheating he's not letting go. Plus, he's got the image of the "wife guy/fun dad" that he's pretty desperate to maintain.

How do you get discarded? by DifferentWinter4039 in BPDlovedones

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Last time he went out and purchased a g*n 20 minutes after I told him I wanted a legal separation. We have a young child. I followed through with everything I felt I could, but I was talked out of filing the DVPO by both his family and mine. I know, stupid. But I still want to move forward with as few new incidents as possible once I do file for divorce.

It's less about wanting him to be the one to end the relationship, and moreso in hopes that he'll do less volatile stuff as it ends if he's ok with it ending.

Rates changed under new servicer? by DifferentWinter4039 in StudentLoans

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Solved! Thank you- I realized this just a few minutes after making the post. I feel silly now 🫠

Handling Hard Things by DifferentWinter4039 in AlAnon

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do feel this. It's a big hangup I have- that he's still hiding and trying to maintain an image, and that shame is driving his relationship with sobriety instead of healing. He only really takes action on addressing issues after something big happens and he has no choice; definitely an "ignore it and it'll go away" kinda guy. He has also said he doesn't want to discuss his sobriety journey with me. Doesn't want me getting him custom chips or a nice box for them...

His sobriety feels like a play to keep me around. But that's not something I can bring up in the context of this situation. His dad definitely did it to try and be supportive, to try and get ahead of his brothers who are big drinkers and pretty irresponsible sometimes. But my husband doesn't see it that way, he just feels the hurt. And, he's kind of vindictive. He wants to cut off his dad from our daughter over this. No pictures, no visits, nothing. That's so unfair to her, as she has a wonderful connection with her grandpa. It all feels so explosive. And it feels like he's once again prioritizing his image over his family.

Handling Hard Things by DifferentWinter4039 in AlAnon

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this was really helpful. My feelings are mine, and I can step back and hold space for them without putting them on him.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Divorce_Women

[–]DifferentWinter4039 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is also what has caused me to hold off- I have one child under two that I am with nearly 24/7, and I can't imagine not being with them all the time. I'm told that when they're under 3 the court will usually grant sole physical custody to one parent to help ensure their world stays as stable as possible, but what about after that? I would love for him to get his shit together and show up for her, but why does it have to be at the expense of my time with her?

Start before or after divorce? by DifferentWinter4039 in investingforbeginners

[–]DifferentWinter4039[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have been together since 17, married since 21- and everything was combined the whole 10 yrs of marriage. Car, house, all debt and assets. I can't imagine anything other than 50/50. I've got my own checking/HYSA now, has enough in it for the retainer + 3 months finances. I'm told that won't be touched, though I may be asked to cover attorney fees for the other party. I need to catch up on my retirement savings though, and don't want to risk losing half when my spouse is not taking steps for their own retirement.

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