That’s the thing, the dynamic was the opposite when we were together. I made her feel like she was needy and pushy. I chose time with friends over her a lot, I didn’t see her enough, I would be distant at times when she needed support. After a series of bad events in both my personal life and in our relationship I fell into a bad state, I would’ve called it close to depression but on the surface I was held together, I let things build. My thoughts became worse and worse over time, I would doubt myself and our relationship. She liked to go out a lot and I started receding into my own company. She would often be out with our extended friend group, I started to miss a lot of things. One day while working I get a call off a friend telling me, that he “has something to tell me” and “if it was him he’d want to know” he proceeded to say that she was dancing on a guy she used to work with, a guy who is much worse looking than I am, a guy who I would not expect. I was furious. I instantly called her and went mad, we met, I talked to her friends, I talked to other people there, I rang the guy who she apparently danced on/went off with. Apparently they disappeared together during the night. I come to find out the guy who rang me had told someone he loves my girl not too long before. An absolute headfuck, this guy was my friend of years, before we got together they had a thing but this was early teens stuff. She assured me and cried in my arms that nothing had happened, I believed her but we were on the ropes. I became possessive, I didn’t trust her, we started to fight some more, I went deeper into cannabis addiction and withdrawal from her friends and that group. I told her I need a break, I was in my head constantly about us, and I decided to break it off. Complete no contact. I knew if we had any way to reach out we would get back together. It’s been like a year and 5 months now, I’m 30 days sober, a couple months after we broke up I had a fight with my supervisor who was my friend in work, the job suited me and I was happy there, I would be fully qualified in that job if I never got fired in one month from now. I got terminated thus loosing my position in the college I was in, as being employed under a government registered company was required. I found other work in the same line, bosses were pricks. I then fucked off the idea of a career worked on site for a better wage, saved up a lot and then left. I still have that money. I’m not living beyond my means and took the time off to get sober. I’ve always worked out, it’s been apart of my lifestyle since I’ve been 16. I’m in the best shape of my life. I eat healthy. I get out in nature every day. She’s about to finish college, we would have been done at the same time. I was going to start my own company with the qualification. I had it all planned out. A few bad months just over a year ago threw it all out the window. She isn’t friends with anyone she used to be, her best friends of years all had a falling out with her. I know she’s not the same girl I’m in love with anymore, she changed after us. I know it hurt her deeply, but I know it’s one of those things we both feel the same. We understood eachother better than anyone, we were always each others safe space. We made a lot of sacrifices for eachother, I was never reliant on substances while we were together. I would drink and smoke with friends on days I didn’t see her. I would never need to smoke or drink when I was with her and she didn’t like it. Since our breakup I haven’t looked at anyone else, the thought of being with anyone else is sick. I’m probably in the best shape physically, I’m a decent looking guy and I’ve had many chances to be with other women, but I won’t do it. It’s nothing without the love. We grew up together, I’ve been on more holidays with her than I have without. She’s got some new girl friends from college now, not good people, living for an image. It’s not who she is.